Karen,

Relax girl! Go back and re-read the post which begins with:
Quote:

Alright! I finally got lunch, I'm done working, boss just left and is on vaca! Yay!



You're hurting and confused right now. Are you feeling inner conflict because you want everything right now, but at the same time don't want it? My guess is yes, based upon what you've written.

Part of the reason for my crazy post earlier was to distract you. It sounds like you're spending too much time thinking about your situation, and those on the BB. Could it be causing you to focus too much on the negative things in your life right now? I was hoping that a distraction would break that chain of thought. Use the BB for support, not as a basis for comparison to other relationships.

What you've described in your posts today led me to wonder if you have low self-esteem. I think you've been pretty hard on yourself today. If fact, I think you've been a little unfair to yourself today. Could it be that because things are going a little better with your R, that you're telling yourself you don't deserve it? If so, you're building walls around yourself, probably to make sure you don't get hurt in the future. These are the same walls which will prevent you from reaching your goals.

This is all very difficult and stressful. Try not to let it overwhelm you. Question: Do you know how to eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time. Working on you and your R are the same.... take one bite at a time without thinking about the big job ahead of you. (Around here, more commonly called babysteps.)

I think you might be falling into the trap of looking for people, places, relationships, events, etc. as ways to make yourself happy. Unfortunately, you can't find true happiness externally. There are all kinds of things we say will make us happy, but all they really do is allow us to tap into the happiness within ourselves.

If you go back and read all the threads (start to finish) for the people who are working things out, you'll notice a few things. 1.) The person posting went through a period similar to the one you're going through. 2.) The person identified what they wanted changed about themselves and their relationship. 3.) The person made a decision to change their situation. 4.) The person set measurable goals for themselves and the relationship. 5.) The person started feeling better about themself. 6.) The person stuck through the rough times because they wanted to reach their goal.

I think a good place to start would be to tell yourself at least several times a day that your a good person. I know that sounds silly, but trust me on this one. No matter what happens during the day, stop once in a while and tell yourself you're a good person. Can't think of a reason to believe it? No problem - remind yourself that you didn't run your car over anyone. Are you thinking to yourself that I just provided a really stupid reason to tell yourself you're a good person??? Yup, you're absolutely right. But, think about this one.... how many times a day do we think equally stupid things to justify telling ourselves negative things? (Gotcha on that one! )

Try something when you get an opportunity... Write down a few very small things that would make you feel better about your current situation. For instance: 1.) I would feel better if I could just get my mind off things for 15 minutes. 2.) I would feel better if I could just stop thinking negative thoughts about myself for 5 minutes. 3.) I would feel better if I could just find that popcorn I've been wanting. My point here is to get you to set a few small goals for yourself. They don't have to be huge elephants - just something to get you to focus on something positive so you don't expend all of your energy building walls.

Each and every time you have a negative thought about yourself, I want you to remind yourself that you were just unfair to yourself. We all have things about ourselves that we don't like. The first step in changing them is identifying them. That's where you are right now. It's a very difficult thing to go through. But now you have to make a choice: Wallow in the negative feelings, or detach from them a little bit and work on correcting them.

For example.... Let's say you're cooking dinner and burn the bottom of the rolls in the oven.
Option 1) You can tell yourself "Geez, I'm so stupid. I should know by now that I should check the rolls more often. How many times do I have to go through this? Why can't I ever learn? Am I really so stupid that I can't even friggin' remember to check the rolls? Now I've ruined the entire meal and evening."
Option 2) You can tell yourself "Geez, I burned the bottom of the rolls. I really need to remember to check them earlier next time. Oh well. Anyone who doesn't like them doesn't have to eat them. I'm really glad it wasn't any worse."
My point? Option 1 is an example of focusing on the negative and letting it rule your actions and emotions. Option 2 is an example of identifying what you'd like to change, and making an attempt to change it without being unfair to yourself.

If you really want to find happiness, start feeling better about yourself. Happiness is hard to find when you surround yourself with pleasant things, but then don't allow yourself to be happy because of the walls you've built.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. I certainly wasn't trying to be.

CoolHandLuke