Shelbel, Wow. Just wow. In a short time, you've gotten things that take many of us years to get. Good for you!
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That is not who either of us was, but that's what we had become together.
Well come good friend.
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The only thing I do want is for him to be happy. The only way he is going to do that is to let him go. Really, truly and completely let him go.
Recently I had to drop the rope.... again. With children and extra-familys, it NEVER goes away.
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I finally get that you can leave the door open for reconciliation without hoping for one. It's open because I can't close it. That's a far cry from keeping the door open, the light on & a big, flashing neon sign that reads, "OPEN".
There is still a bridge because you haven't burned it. That doesn't mean that anyone is actually going to cross it.
I'm not going to keep looking over my shoulder to see if he is coming across the bridge. I'm looking forward, to my life, to my future, to the person I'm becoming.
This is what everyone means when they talk about dropping the rope.
You aren't closing a door. You are deciding to move forward with your life, and your children's, REGARDLESS, walking through the door and leaving the door open.
That is what standing is about. It's about moving forward, yet still being a loving place for them to return to.
Simple, yet complicated.
Yet so simple...
However, You made mention of things like drugs and angry situations, almost abusive. Those aren't things to bring your children back into. JMHO, that is a boundary setting time.
They come FIRST in your heart, and now is the time to make that known to him...
Best,
Punkt.
These are my friends now!
But someday baby... You ain't worry my life anymore
Take away, take away what I don't need, save the good part please. Fade away, fade away.
Punkd is right. Most people take way longer to get this.
He is also right, dropping the rope never stops.
It is hard, but it is something that you can do.
It will come and go in waves, until you one day, you will hear yourself NOT saying something, NOT having the backslide, and you will KNOW then, that you are there…
And that is ok too…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wow!!! I have been struggling with understanding about this
"I finally get that you can leave the door open for reconciliation without hoping for one. It's open because I can't close it. That's a far cry from keeping the door open, the light on & a big, flashing neon sign that reads, "OPEN".
There is still a bridge because you haven't burned it. That doesn't mean that anyone is actually going to cross it.
I'm not going to keep looking over my shoulder to see if he is coming across the bridge. I'm looking forward, to my life, to my future, to the person I'm becoming"
I am thinking that maybe, just maybe, I am understanding that too!
M48 H53 M16 T18 S16 D13 SS30 H drops bomb PA/8-30-09 H leaves 12-30-09 D filed by H 2-10 H asks to come home 4-11 Piecing
Hey everyone...long time & a serious update is in order.
I've been so busy with the kids & work and GAL that I have so little time to post anymore. I usually start, get pulled away & then don't get back until like 4 hours later & am too tired to finish. My apologies, I've been trying to keep up with everyone else.
Okay...serious chit...
I got a call at 3am Saturday morning from H. He is staying with his parents in a town about 40 minutes from here. There is the main house, now cramped with him, his parents & his grandmother. There is also a trailer just maybe 20 yards away from the main house. It's on a big piece of property...don't try to figure out logistics, trust me.
So anyway, the trailer was furnished--my MIL and her mom had been living in it up until the fall when my MIL had a knee replacement. H had hoped to keep doing some work on it so he could live there while he tried to get back on his feet. Except for a few old pieces of clothes he wore to work around the property in and his computers that he had in his bedroom, everything he owned was in that trailer. Including some stuff that he'd taken from here just to annoy me.
Anyone see where I'm going with this?
I get a call at 3am...the trailer was burning to the ground.
No one was in it at the time, except for my MIL's beloved 16 month old Pug, Buckeye. H was coming home from his brother's house around 230am & noticed a light on in the trailer. It wasn't a light. It was on fire.
He lost nearly everything he had. His 96 year old grandmother is distraught over the loss of her pictures, some of which were of her parents. My MIL is inconsolable over Buckeye. I'll post pics of the fire on the alt if anyone is interested.
H called today, I felt so bad for him. He isn't really in shock, he seems to be dealing, but I can understand how this must be so overwhelming for him. His mom & one of his brothers are not happy that he didn't try harder to get the dog out. Yea, they wanted him to go back into a burning trailer to find a dog who was already probably dead. She was right by the back door, but the door was locked. He knows there is no way he should have gone back in & died trying to save a dog...but he is feeling the brunt of their anger and anguish. There is no way for him to make it better or to convince them that it's not his fault.
Sounds oddly familiar, doesn't it?
Anyway... He was talking about having lost all of his clothes, the dress clothes he had, the nicer clothes he wore to school, the very expensive winter coats (wool peacoat) that we'd managed to get for clearance prices. His shoes. The Reds jersey signed by Austin Kearns that I'd gotten him for Christmas one year. Gone. All of it.
It took everything I had to keep from jumping in & offering to replace all of his stuff. Granted, my dad is going through his closet, and a friend of mine is sending a few things for him as well, but I'm not going out of my way to fix this. I can't. I'm not being mean, I'm just not going to rescue him.
WE (meaning the kids) got him a couple of shirts & a pair of shorts as an early Father's Day gift that I'll give him. I'll be happy to transport whatever people give me for him to him, but I'm not going to replace everything he lost. I can't. No matter how badly I want to.
I listened to him talk about everything, and it sounded like the H I used to know. But it doesn't mean that he's back. Or even coming out of it. So I just listened, and when he was done I said, "I'm so sorry, H. I really am. You've had to "start over" a few times in your life & you've always managed to come out on top. I have every faith that you'll work your way out of this one, too."
I didn't go into any of the ideas I've had for him to get through this, and I've had a lot. It's not for me to work through. They have to come from him and for him. Even when it's something this big.
As a good friend said, this might be just what he needs to jump start his GAL & working on himself. Or it might be the final nail in the coffin of doom that he seems to have climbed into.
The choice is his.
I did tell him to let me know what I can do to help. My mom is sending his mom a $100 gift card to a grocery store. My dad is cleaning out his closet (my dad loves clothes, it's a big deal when he gives away clothes. lol). I sorted through some soggy pictures they pulled out of the rubble yesterday & am willing to do almost anything they need from me--short of fixing everything for H. After all, it's not just him & they are still family... they are my chidlren's grandparents--they always will be.
Okay--I'm off to get more coffee. Feel free to help me through this one...I'm not sure 'What to do when a major catastrophe has hit your MLCer' is covered in the book.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
Shelbel I have to say you handled that perfectly in my opinion! I recently felt compelled to jump back in an bail H out of his screwup and know how strong that pull is when you've done it for years. I can't imagine how hard it would be for a major loss!
You are absolutely right in not stepping in as per usual. Our Hs need to learn to handle things on their own and ask for specific help when they need it.
Good for you!!
(((hugs))))
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
I thought after your welcome party you decided to disappear for a while. Glad to see you back.
Sorry to hear about the trailer.
I agree with Diamond..I think you did well.
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As a good friend said, this might be just what he needs to jump start his GAL & working on himself. Or it might be the final nail in the coffin of doom that he seems to have climbed into
I agree with your friend...this may be a starting place for him. Maybe a realization of what he had....who knows...just keep focused on YOU and your kids.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Shelbel - Just be you, treat him with compassion as you would treat any friend that is going through a personal catastrophe. Just because they treat us the way they treat us, we shouldn't act in opposite way to our true nature. And I'm not advocating to "rescue" him. Just do what feels right for you.
I feel bad for your H, but you know what they say in the MLC land. Sometimes they have to loose everything in order to hit bottom and hopefully start crawling out.
Hang in there
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
