I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[FindingMyVoice]

Hey PG, My old habits is falling into the same comfortable pattern as before.

What, specific behaviours are you referring to? My IC always talks in terms of behaviours, and at first it annoyed me, but she was right. That's usually what it comes down to.

[timehealsall]

My behaviors meaning that I stop putting myself first. I stop GAL and worry moreso about what he is doing and what we can do together....among other things of course.

[FindingMyVoice]

My behaviors meaning that I stop putting myself first. I stop GAL and worry moreso about what he is doing and what we can do together....among other things of course.

Way to speak it Time. Are there any external triggers that cause you do get into that pattern? Or anything else that seems to happen each time before you get pulled into that old reaction? Maybe it's something he says, or difficult subject matter you're discussing?

If you can identify what's going on around you, when find yourself resorting to an old habit or patter, then it's sometimes easier to keep yourself from doing it because you can 'see it coming'. Don't know if that helps or not?

[timehealsall]

I just need to realize that things aren't going to be patched up overnight.

I mean, as of right now, he wants a D and is living at his dad's and that's that. We have been getting along better as of this weekend and he has been initiating more contact (ie, text messages).. but nothing more.

I just wish I could fast forward...I miss him.

[timehealsall]

Oh, I also have expectations, which are a big no no.

[timehealsall]

He noticed that I hadn't been wearing my rings. Mind you I had them in my purse. Asked if i had told my folks we r getting a d. I said no. He asked why not. I said because I'm Still coming to Terms with it. I asked him if he had and he said no.

We started talking about how I started acting like my old self and that he was feeling trapped because of it.

Then I pointed out how

He came home and literally the next day his
Mom was here

We never had us time. We never had space.
I admitted to not
Giving him his space but that we both had her on our ears egging us on
He agreed and kept
Saying that he believes she was trying to sabotage our R

He then asked why I keep bringing OW into everything and I tell him about my insecurities and how hurt his actions made me

I stupidly asked if he regretted his actions

He said he regrets eveything that's happened up until this point. He never wanted all of this to happen. Thinks it's out of control. He never meant to fall out of love with his wife but that he was so miserable and he tried to be loving towards me but I rejected him. He said that in turn he did what made him happy (have affair)(that hurt to hear)

why is he questioning me? This is all confusing.

[change44]

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through. I know the agony you are experiencing. Sadly there is no set formula for "fixing" our situations...what works for one of us may not for the other, so I can't tell you what to do...rather just what seemed to work for me. In my case, when my husband dropped a divorce on me (after months of him asking for one and me fighting it), I kicked him out, stopped communicating about anything with him except the kids, and I proceeded as if we were getting a divorce by interviewing attorneys, looking at houses to move to, setting up a separate bank account, looking for a job, etc. It hurt more than he will ever know, but I stayed strong with the help of my closest friends and family. I had begged, cried, made a fool of myself, gotten angry, threatened and just about everything else to protest a divorce over a year, and when he finally filed, I let him know that if that is what he wanted, to knock himself out. My exact words were, "Don't let the door hit you in the a$$ on the way out." He came back asking for forgiveness 2 weeks later, and I would not let him back in the house until he dropped the divorce and the girlfriend.
As you know from my thread which you have so kindly commented on, he has slipped since coming back to reconcile. I'm drawing the line....no more slips are allowed now. Period. He knows he is married to a strong woman who will fight for our marriage and family, but also would rather him move on if he isn't going to give me and our family 100%. Again, I don't know if this approach is right for you, but I thought it might be helpful hearing another's story that is quite similar to yours. Prayers for you and for your strength.

[timehealsall]

Thank you sweetie.

I am going to maintain my distance and he will stay in his apt and me and the kids at our place.

I will stay strong and will listen to what he has to say but I have to keep my cool and tread carefully when I speak to him. I should stop bringing up OW and any R talk...

I need to remain strong. I'm guessing that he is questioning his decisions being that he is noticing things like my not wearing my rings and keeps asking R questions and things about me and keeps explaining why he did what he did.

[FindingMyVoice]

I need to remain strong. I'm guessing that he is questioning his decisions being that he is noticing things like my not wearing my rings and keeps asking R questions and things about me and keeps explaining why he did what he did.

Stay strong, Time! Thinking good thoughts for you today!

[change44]

I believe he's questioning his poor choices, also. Just hold tight to the fact that you are living your life right, trying to be the best wife and mom you can be. The more grace you hold in this situation, the more everyone including your H will respect you. I know from experience that constantly holding your head high can be a pain in the neck, but you'll never regret it!