AAAgh!! I lost my post in response to Pam!! It was long and good!
I'll start from the beginning. Yes, I have a computer at home. I go to the library to get away and h doesn't know that I post on the bb as far as I know. (Not that I think he would really care, just think that I was weird ) How do you IM? from yahoo?
I don't know how to make myself happy. There are some things that I would like to do that I don't think that h would like to do but i don't do them b/c i want to be with him. He wouldn't stop me from doing the things I want to do though. It's my own darn fault... I know what you mean about feeling powerless, and giving him the power. I keep forgetting that. And, I guess I do need people to keep reminding me b/c people DO keep reminding me.
Pam, I did read your IM's to David, and it really reminded me of myself b/c I could see how desperately you wanted to know that D cares about you. I feel that way-I feel like kicking, screaming, punching, yelling, hurting, leaving, threatening, fighting, having a temper tantrum, crying, whatever, just to get the guy to say that he cares about me. But you know what, I still wouldn't believe him. He's right. I just don't listen to him. No matter what he does, I just don't believe him. It's just never ENOUGH. I am a bottomless pit according to Dr. Phil.
I do have "feeling good" somewhere...
I've only dabbled a little with meditating. I have a very hard time emptying my mind!! it would be nice...
I am back on my AD's. No matter what I take, I still have bad spells. the prob is me, i know.
Quote: Anyway what I have found for me is when I get upset to really, really look at why I am upset and usually there is a deeper thought connected to it, if you find that as well and try addressing it, I have found it very helpful.
Can you give me some examples? What have you come up with as being the real prob?
You don't sound pompous; I appreciate your feedback. I hate having to rewrite posts, I just don't feel as eloquent/insightful/funny as the first time!! (I guess it's not a writing competition though )
Well I'm at a loss for words for other db'er's. Some of you are doing well, and some sitches I just, gosh, am out of my league on!
So, I'll just journal. Feel like listening? I re-read my summary from this thread. I was really making progress with H!
++ H has been working on one of his cars every day since Sat. for me to drive so I can sell my truck and not have a car payment. He's putting more $ into it. (& exhausting himself)
I obviously have a co-dependency issue. (Do we use that phrase in here?). I have separation anxiety. (How about that one?) I am afraid to do "my own thing." I feel like I arrange my schedule around his so I can be with him. Then when he doesn't feel like doing much b/c he's been running around w/his friends, I get resentful. I'm not doing enough fun stuff w/my friends. Hell, I don't have enough friends.
I don't know where to get friends. I have some that are married and have kids. It's hard to do stuff with them b/c they need 3 weeks' notice and they have to be home by 9. Sorry moms, I'm just pokin' fun. I have other interests that H isn't really interested in. And ya' know, if I start doing some of this other stuff, maybe he'll start thinking, "what if she meets some other guys that like to do x or y that she likes to do?"
H is reluctant to go to nightclubs with me b/c I have caused scenes in the past. Ok, it's been FOREVER ago! Then I ASSume that he is going to be too tired to have sex on the weekdays that he is with me b/c he only got 5 hours of sleep the night before from going out, so then I get pissed about that. I just can't f'in win.
If I come on to him too strongly or try to flirt with him by suggesting that we have sex later, he feels pressured and like I'm trying to control him. I am supposed to "know" that it will happen and to let it happen naturally. Well, WHEN?? I want to know WHEN!!! And I don't want to wait until the weekend!!
That week that he spent all that time away he wanted to a lot, and I was also db'ing really well. I was acting as if, doing my own thing, confident, etc. What did I do that week? I should go back to look at my posts. Anyone a speed reader? So, do I spend time with him and get less sex, or spend less time with him and get more? HA ha!
I think that I overwhelmed myself with that list that I made yesterday, as great as it was. All I have been saying in my head to myself for the past several days is "I can't do this. I just can't do this." So I thought maybe it would help if I just made little goals and work from there. Like tonight, when H comes home (I always wake up and we kiss hello) I will be happy to see him and not act suspicious of his whereabouts and doings. I haven't been too clingy, but I'm going to go back to if he isn't reciprocating the snuggle, to back off physically. There. I think I can do this. And pray. I forget to pray...
OC I want to work on the list. Tomorrow I'll have to figure out what I CAN do for the evening. This should be my list: #1 KEEP MOUTH SHUT
Relax girl! Go back and re-read the post which begins with:
Quote: Alright! I finally got lunch, I'm done working, boss just left and is on vaca! Yay!
You're hurting and confused right now. Are you feeling inner conflict because you want everything right now, but at the same time don't want it? My guess is yes, based upon what you've written.
Part of the reason for my crazy post earlier was to distract you. It sounds like you're spending too much time thinking about your situation, and those on the BB. Could it be causing you to focus too much on the negative things in your life right now? I was hoping that a distraction would break that chain of thought. Use the BB for support, not as a basis for comparison to other relationships.
What you've described in your posts today led me to wonder if you have low self-esteem. I think you've been pretty hard on yourself today. If fact, I think you've been a little unfair to yourself today. Could it be that because things are going a little better with your R, that you're telling yourself you don't deserve it? If so, you're building walls around yourself, probably to make sure you don't get hurt in the future. These are the same walls which will prevent you from reaching your goals.
This is all very difficult and stressful. Try not to let it overwhelm you. Question: Do you know how to eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time. Working on you and your R are the same.... take one bite at a time without thinking about the big job ahead of you. (Around here, more commonly called babysteps.)
I think you might be falling into the trap of looking for people, places, relationships, events, etc. as ways to make yourself happy. Unfortunately, you can't find true happiness externally. There are all kinds of things we say will make us happy, but all they really do is allow us to tap into the happiness within ourselves.
If you go back and read all the threads (start to finish) for the people who are working things out, you'll notice a few things. 1.) The person posting went through a period similar to the one you're going through. 2.) The person identified what they wanted changed about themselves and their relationship. 3.) The person made a decision to change their situation. 4.) The person set measurable goals for themselves and the relationship. 5.) The person started feeling better about themself. 6.) The person stuck through the rough times because they wanted to reach their goal.
I think a good place to start would be to tell yourself at least several times a day that your a good person. I know that sounds silly, but trust me on this one. No matter what happens during the day, stop once in a while and tell yourself you're a good person. Can't think of a reason to believe it? No problem - remind yourself that you didn't run your car over anyone. Are you thinking to yourself that I just provided a really stupid reason to tell yourself you're a good person??? Yup, you're absolutely right. But, think about this one.... how many times a day do we think equally stupid things to justify telling ourselves negative things? (Gotcha on that one! )
Try something when you get an opportunity... Write down a few very small things that would make you feel better about your current situation. For instance: 1.) I would feel better if I could just get my mind off things for 15 minutes. 2.) I would feel better if I could just stop thinking negative thoughts about myself for 5 minutes. 3.) I would feel better if I could just find that popcorn I've been wanting. My point here is to get you to set a few small goals for yourself. They don't have to be huge elephants - just something to get you to focus on something positive so you don't expend all of your energy building walls.
Each and every time you have a negative thought about yourself, I want you to remind yourself that you were just unfair to yourself. We all have things about ourselves that we don't like. The first step in changing them is identifying them. That's where you are right now. It's a very difficult thing to go through. But now you have to make a choice: Wallow in the negative feelings, or detach from them a little bit and work on correcting them.
For example.... Let's say you're cooking dinner and burn the bottom of the rolls in the oven. Option 1) You can tell yourself "Geez, I'm so stupid. I should know by now that I should check the rolls more often. How many times do I have to go through this? Why can't I ever learn? Am I really so stupid that I can't even friggin' remember to check the rolls? Now I've ruined the entire meal and evening." Option 2) You can tell yourself "Geez, I burned the bottom of the rolls. I really need to remember to check them earlier next time. Oh well. Anyone who doesn't like them doesn't have to eat them. I'm really glad it wasn't any worse." My point? Option 1 is an example of focusing on the negative and letting it rule your actions and emotions. Option 2 is an example of identifying what you'd like to change, and making an attempt to change it without being unfair to yourself.
If you really want to find happiness, start feeling better about yourself. Happiness is hard to find when you surround yourself with pleasant things, but then don't allow yourself to be happy because of the walls you've built.
Hope I wasn't too harsh. I certainly wasn't trying to be.
Good stuff in these posts. Something Pam said really hit home and I think it is pretty on target for you as well.
Quote: I do understand what you are saying about hating him because you love him. I really feel that a part of that is you are giving him the power of your happiness. Does that make sense to you? I know you probably read the awful IM's I sent David, they weren't because I don't love him, they were cries for him to help me. But he can't do that, I have to choose to do that for myself. But I would get so angry at him because I choose to give him the power of my happiness and then he didn't handle it the way I thought he should so I wasn't happy and I was angry all at the same time. I also felt very POWERLESS. It was not a good feeling or situation all around. I think we get into patterns of familiarity. This is the way you are most comfortable interacting so when you are stressed this is the pattern you go back too.
We have to take back the power to make ourselves happy and stop expecting our H to do it for us. My very wise sister told me that when you make yourself happy, taking responsibility for your own happiness, then being happy with H and loving him and being loved by him is the "gravy". So I guess that means we are the mashed potatoes and we have to get rid of the lumps!!
Okay, so your one goal is to keep your mouth shut. May not be easy, but is certainly doable. Just bite your tongue really hard if you have to. Maybe you can say a silent prayer when you'd rather say something to H out loud.
Remember that the tongue is sharper than the sword and you can never "erase" a spoken word, so choose them wisely.
Here's the prayer I have been praying lately. I started praying it because I want so badly for H to talk R talk, but I know that bringing anything like that up at this point would push him away. So, I pray, Lord, if the time is right for me to say something to H, then give me the right words to say; otherwise, please hold my tongue and keep my mouth shut so that I don't push him away.
I think my prayer for you would be, Lord, please help Karen to hold her tongue when she should be quiet and give her the right words to say when she does speak to her H. Let them be words that will only bring him closer to her and that are kind, loving, and caring.
I'll check on you tomorrow, oh wait, it is tomorrow EST! Well, I'll check on you later today!
Karen -- Gotta do a hit and run...have too much to do!
BUT...your post re. C last night made me want to give you a big old hug....beating yourself up (or being beaten up!) for the stuff you're working so hard to change...grrr...sounds like maybe C was giving you some tough love...
Anyway, hon....6 weeks between episodes??? How about a giant pat on the back for YOU????? Great stuff!
As for meditating...I seriously cannot say enough good things about it...it gives you a few minutes every day to clear your mind...take a break...actually train your mind!
It's really important to do it consistently...I found that until I started doing it 5-7x a week it wasn't having an impact.
and finally....let me suggest a series of audiotapes for you....I'm not a Buddhist (nor do I play one on TV)...but to me, there's something universal about the message of compassion...for ourselves and others...this series is a touchstone for me when I need grounding:
Do you lose a post if you criss cross? Like if Pam sent one the same time I did? I'm having post dysfunction. I know sometimes I mess up when I edit and don't hit continue twice.
Anyway, good stuff CHL & LO. Thanks for the positive thoughts Pam.
Testing...Sage just sent me one as I am writing this...
Ok, maybe I can actually write something. Last night H came home and wanted to . He thought that I would prefer to sleep and I said, "WHO are you talking to?" We got into one of our same ole same ole convo's. I say, I always want it, he says, you like to sleep, I say, I go to sleep b/c you're not making advances, he says he's not making advances b/c I am bi!ching about stuff..." So, eventually we shut up, and went to sleep.
Tonight my uncle invited us to go for a night-hike, but H has to finish working on bathroom drain. We are having a post turkey day bash sat. If i repeat things, I'm sorry b/c I don't know what I have lost, and I lose things when I use the back arrow sometimes, etc. I'm playing it safe. So, I offered to cook a nice dinner for h and me. I don't think I do that often enough. h said i could go if i wanted. I would have to FLY home and to the park though...I also need to clean imo for the party. I don't want to have to stress too much on sat.
I could always walk the dogs with a flashlight. They live in a pen, and i need to get them out more.
I would feel better if I would get my $ straightened out and if I would clean my room and organize my clothes. What do I do with my jeans that are too big?
)
Sorry moms, I'm just pokin' fun. I have other interests that H isn't really interested in. And ya' know, if I start doing some of this other stuff, maybe he'll start thinking, "what if she meets some other guys that like to do x or y that she likes to do?" 
a lot, and I was also db'ing really well. I was acting as if, doing my own thing, confident, etc. What did I do that week? I should go back to look at my posts. Anyone a speed reader? So, do I spend time with him and get less sex, or spend less time with him and get more? HA ha! 
Yup, you're absolutely right. But, think about this one.... how many times a day do we think equally stupid things to justify telling ourselves negative things? (Gotcha on that one! 
)
Well, I'll check on you later today!
