So we had a positive weekend I think. Friday night I stopped to grab something at the house I needed for a coworker (I had not planned on stopping but she called me Friday eve pretty desperate for some forms). H said it was ok if stayed over since I was coming in the morning for family day anyway ... so we chatted for a bit and then I went to his bedroom in the basement.
Saturday I went to town, dropped off the forms, picked up a present for H from the kids (golf glove - not expensive but practical and something he's been saying he needed) and a funny card from me to go with the second hand book I bought him (the art of encouragement - mostly quotes and stuff, his kind of book). I got home around noon, made pizza and we had lunch with the kids. H had a headache so he went to lay down while S2 was napping and the other two were outside playing. I did some housework and had a shower then woke H. He was 'looking' at me a lot ... but I kept it light and chatted with him. He said he was going to have a shower and grabbed my towel ... I just laughed and said nothing. He said I looked good - I've lost almost 20 lbs - and I said thanks but left it at that.
We took the kids bowling - what a blast! Then out for supper to a nice mexican place and then home to watch Where the Wild Things Are. S2 got sleepy and I carried him to bed part way through and the rest of us watched it together in our bed. Tucked the kids in when it was over and I gave H his book and card from me. He opened it and flipped through it, said thanks and told me how much he appreciated everything ... that he had a great birthday. Got a birthday hug and then he went to play chess with my BIL and then to his sisters for the night.
H stopped in after golf to grab something, quick hug for the kids and said again how much he appreciated everything on his B'day ... and then he was off for the day and evening.
Kids and I had a great day, went to my parents for supper and then home for baths and bed. Then they near drove me crazy! Could NOT get them to settle down and then, just as they finally did, the thunder and lightning storm started! Thunder clapping right above the house! Settled them after the first bout, then it happened again and D6 was terrified. She came out and wanted to call Daddy (it was about 9:45pm at this time) so I said sure, but warned her that Daddy was a party and might not hear his phone and we could leave him a message. We called and left a quick voicemail, and then I sent a text in case he was screening and just didn't pick up. He called back within minutes - he had been sleeping. H volunteered that he crashed on An & D's couch (he had 5 beer earlier) and intended to be home before the kids got up in the morning. Chatted with D6 for a minute or two and she settled right down, then talked to me for a minute. Thanked him for calling back so quickly, a little chatting then I let him go and tucked D6 in again.
H landed this morning and sat on the bed next to. Lots of glances and peeks but I said nothing (ok, I might have stretched). Chatted for a few minutes and then got up - I weigh myself every morning and H watched and when I commented I was happy, he said I looked great.
Then we got the kids up and went about our morning routine.
H called me this morning to see if I would pick up his prescription (anti-depressant he's taking to quite smoking) at lunch time as he has to spend the day on the road west of town. I said I would, and then he asked if my mom would babysit tomorrow eve while we attend S5's kindergarten orientation, I said I would ask her. I said I had to get back to work, and H said talk to you later.
All in all, a positive weekend I think. I really need to save up some $ and get a session with my DB coach ... would love her perspective and guidance ...
And would love input and comments from you guys too
Hope you all had good weekends too!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Hi PEI, Does sound like a positive weekend. It's strange isn't it when things seem almost status quo but then you're like 'wait a minute - we're in crisis' - it's just a weird situation. It doesn't necessarily sound to me like there is anything specific you should be doing. The main thing I'm guessing that DB coach would ask you (mine asked me) was what are your goals. Can you set some short-term goals and try to meet them. Just a thought.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
You're right ... I had some short term goals for the R but met them and then forgot to name some more ... must sit and think about that ...
My personal short term goals are still ongoing... 1. exercise 2. reading 3. working my p/t business 4. GAL
are my biggies ...
Hmmmm ... R goals ...
1. I'm thinking another unscheduled, H initiated meeting - lunch, supper etc ...
other than that I'm kinda stuck ... I want to say a kiss initiated by H but that might be pushing too fast too soon ...
Funny, there were times over the last few days that I almost felt like we were flirting, like 'back in the day' ... just the way that were laughing and getting along. I guess my best goals for now are to steer clear of any and all R talk, steer clear of any and all OW/JF talk (other woman/just friend?? don't want newbie readers to think he is carrying on a current explicit affair ... for an explanation you'll have to ask or go back through the thread ).
Do more of what works: - laughing - be spontanious and fun (less predictable) - let him initiate contact - give him space - tell him 'thank you' when warrented, don't overdo it - notice his positive changes - do not offer unsolicited advice - do not interfere with the kids when he's parenting - trust him to remember things - do not react when he forgets something - stay calm, cool and collected - be mysterious
Do less of what doesn't work: - mention OW/JF at all (even if she happens to wish him happy b'day on facebook! grrrr) - ask questions - fish for compliments
Ok, I think I covered most of them in the first list, oh well at least they are written down now ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
OW affair or not is still YOUR OW, just call her that. Emotional affair or Physical or truely just a friend...she is someone OTHER than you and you view her as a threat.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
PEI - I like your goals for the R and I think I need to 'steal' some. I am probably way overboard on some things like thanking him etc. and way to the other side about other things like not interfering. Ah well - a work in progress obviously.
A
M - 46 H - 47 T - 20 yrs M - 19 yrs DS 7yrs DS 6yrs DD 4 yrs Bomb - 4/3/10 My Sitch
Love your goals PEI. I don't think I have written on your thread, but I have been reading along for a couple of weeks. I love your writing.
Keep up the good work.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hey fud! Steal away ... when it comes to thanking I try to offer a sincere thanks when he does something - even the stuff he should be doing! - just to let him know that I see and appreciate what he does. Mars/Venus talks about men wanting to feel appreciated and I know in our sitch it's something I did not verbalize enough (at least to him, ask others and I was constantly bragging about how good he was to help out! go figure!). And you know ... I intend to be a work in progress the rest of the days of my life ...
Hi BeingMe ... thanks for following along! Nice to see another Canadian (right PG?!). Thanks for the compliment re my writing ... it's something I've discovered since the bomb. In the early days I was writing to H every day via email to tell him how I felt and what kind of man I thought he was (typical blah, blah, blah). After I realized it was pressure and stopped we talked about it one night and he told me I wrote beautifully. I like to think that although I'm not writing them to him anymore that those words may sink in someday. Maybe. Maybe not.
As a side note, my IC thinks I should write a book on my family and the turmoil/hell we've been through in the last year+ ... I don't know that I'm ready for that - or how to do it without exposing my family and their private journeys ... still, nice to think I could.
My 'Do more of what works' list is what I could come up with in a few minutes of thinking about the last few weeks. Was great for my PMA to focus on the positives ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Right on.