Do you have a computer at home? I was wondering because I thought you mentioned going to the library to use the computer. There are some folks here I do IM with some evenings and it has helped me tremendously. It is more discussion and instant feedback than you can get on the bb. It is also just plain good fun! Helped remind me that I am ready to live and have some fun things in my life. I have been such a depressed mess for so long that this feels really good.
Thank you for the compliment. Sage told me just today that whatever I had found Michelle might want to bottle it!
I think it has been a combination of things for me and it sounds like you have really already tried a lot of things. I do think if you have been with this C that long and no real progress it is time to look elsewhere and I KNOW if I were to go to another C it would be an SBT.
Being angry because you don't feel like h is putting effort in or upset over him not meeting your needs, is not something that is under your control, unfortunatley! But the only thing you can control is you so that is where the focus needs to be. I really know you already know all these things I am saying, but for me I found that the more I was told it helped it all to eventually click!! I am guessing here that until you get your changes in place and keep them there you aren't going to get what you feel you want/need from your h.
But as everyone kept telling me and I have no idea how to tell you it finally sunk in, you have to make yourself happy. I know you know that, but have you ever really given a lot of thought to what you are thinking when you are happy versus what you are thinking when you are stressed or down? I am finding that changing or catching my negative self talk is really helping me.
Have you ever read David Burns, Feeling Good? It is a book my C loaned to me but since I haven't been back she hasn't gotten it back yet! I am finding it very useful, it deals with cognitive thinking.
The meditating is also making a huge difference. Have you ever tried that before? I never had and Sage kept suggesting it and I am so glad she kept after me to give it a try. I can tell just the days I am running late for work and don't take the time to meditate that it really makes a difference.
Are you back on your AD's? That has also made a big difference for me, especially the change in the dosage, it has just been 2 - 3 weeks that I have been on the changed dosage long enough that I can really tell it kicked in and has made a difference.
I do understand what you are saying about hating him because you love him. I really feel that a part of that is you are giving him the power of your happiness. Does that make sense to you? I know you probably read the awful IM's I sent David, they weren't because I don't love him, they were cries for him to help me. But he can't do that, I have to choose to do that for myself. But I would get so angry at him because I choose to give him the power of my happiness and then he didn't handle it the way I thought he should so I wasn't happy and I was angry all at the same time. I also felt very POWERLESS. It was not a good feeling or situation all around. I think we get into patterns of familiarity. This is the way you are most comfortable interacting so when you are stressed this is the pattern you go back too.
I could be reading you all wrong as this is all based on me, please understand that is where I am coming from to see if any of this hits you as it would help you out any.
Anyway what I have found for me is when I get upset to really, really look at why I am upset and usually there is a deeper thought connected to it, if you find that as well and try addressing it, I have found it very helpful.
I hope I don't sound pompous here, as you have obviously been conscious of this problem and putting a lot of work into it for far longer than I have.
Plain popcorn? How about the fake champagne?
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Helped remind me that I am ready to live and have some fun things in my life. I have been such a depressed mess for so long that this feels really good.
Sage told me just today that whatever I had found Michelle might want to bottle it! 
But the only thing you can control is you so that is where the focus needs to be. I really know you already know all these things I am saying, but for me I found that the more I was told it helped it all to eventually click!! I am guessing here that until you get your changes in place and keep them there you aren't going to get what you feel you want/need from your h.
