Alright! I finally got lunch, I'm done working, boss just left and is on vaca! Yay!
Pam, you are doing really well. You think I can do it too? I feel like such a nut case. Ok, so I DID break a record and go SIX weeks getting along with h. there were a couple bumps but that's to be expected and we got through them very quickly and without hard feelings. And I was able to get right back up on the horse or wagon or??? Where did all these phrases come from? Are we crossin' country???
I swear when my c was talking i was looking straight through her. I kept wondering if she could tell that I couldn't give a flyin' fart about what she was saying. Ok, she did help me today-i was def. in the pit, and it did help to talk to a professional and you guys. but, ya know what i mean?? i feel like i have to defend myself b/c i have switched c's so many times. I have been with this one since last sept. though and i haven't moved ahead much. I didn't make significant progress until i found "getting through to the man you love."
Anyhow, to answer LO's q, I am angry-well, b/c I feel like H is not putting effort into our r. Well, but, um, i guess i need to understand b/c i have been putting him through the ringer since we started dating. **but he knew what he was getting when he married me. just kidding. I've been promising to quit this bs since day one.
So, now he is withdrawn physically and emotionally and I expect him to be open. WHat? duh...so, all along he's been telling me that if i would quit getting upset/emo all the time, he would open up again. he feels like he has continually put his best foot forward (left or right, i'm not sure-he has obnoxiously long toes b/c he is 6'6"), and I have just trampled on him. It is true, but i fail to accept responsibility. i do, but i don't. i do, but i continue to blame him. i continue to ASSume the worst in him and expect the worst from him.
But, I have no reason to!! When I hear about other h's, other sitch's I think, boy, I've got it good, my h is awesome, etc., but do i appreciate him? no...do i trust him? no...do i love him? i do...but i don't ACTIVELY love him. i do not treat him like i love him. I hate him BECAUSE i love him. Does that make sense to anyone?
I loved a few guys when I was younger, broke some hearts, then I was a tramp for a long time. I used guys and found that I could "play" them. I would get bored and move on. When I became attached I would get nervous, have anxiety, get upset, cause probs, etc., treat them badly, go away. Well, i started to realize that i was missing out on some potentially good r's and that i was treating some nice men badly. i gradually started treating them better, and figured i needed to get my act together if i wanted to get married and have a fam.
lo and behold, i run into h. i met him 3 years prior, but did not go out with him at the time. (i knew he was nice and i was busy tramping around. + he had hair longer than mine). Well, he got his hair cut and I thought "whew, what a gorgeous face" (i'm a face gal), and so I started to hit on him. (he wasn't going to be rejected again.) so, i tried as much as i could to be sane, but look where i am. at least he is still with me...
I continue to think the worst, so I get mad at him in my head before he even does anything. Then oc, he reacts to how I am acting, and whammo, he just fit into the scene I had created in my head. I know, I know, it's the self-fulfilling prophecy. I create what I fear. I must be getting something out of this. Blah, blah, blah...I've read tons of books, I have lots and lots of insight, but emotional intelligence??? Nope...haven't got a clue. Book smarts, not street smarts... I ask how? HOW??? HTF??? I've spent many a co-pay and many a not co-pay...I've been to a hypnotist, I've tried EMDR, etc. I've been asking since 1988! And I'm NOT resistant! I swear!! I want to change! An SBT will believe me, right?
just kidding. I've been promising to quit this bs since day one. 
