Relatively OK. Mostly sad and confused. I have to work late tonight and then go fill out paperwork at the SBT's office. I had my C appt. today which helped some, but also frustrated me some too. For all these years and years I have gone to therapy they have all said the same thing, "you need to feel better about yourself. You don't believe you are lovable." Well, no sh!t. I realize that! I need direction. I need to LEARN how. I told this latest C September this and she assured me that we would work on this. Well, what did she tell me today? "You don't trust. You don't believe that you are lovable, etc." I said, trying not to be rude, "I KNOW!!! I need to know how to believe that I am lovable and how to trust!" She said that I am trying to control him and he is resisting. No sh!t, Sherlock. I know!!! She and I have been over this 30 times. I KNOW what I am doing wrong.
She has given me lots of lovely analogies like to picture myself as a clinging vine sucking the life out of the tree, and picture him in bed with his mother, etc. Nice, huh? And you wonder why I go home and cry even more??? I am just soo tired. I WANT to change. I don't want to think this way and feel this way about h.
I know he is a good guy who deserves to be loved. I know our r has potential and can be wonderful. I know he can be romantic and expressive and all the things that I want. I just have those f@#king messages in my head from all of my old family members and now my new family members! I have this inability to think for myself.
I'm 34, when will I ever grow up? Thanks for watching out for me. ...I need to eat... karen
