I am not responding to you to have the last word. I think this is probably a good thing for both of us.
Since you feel I made an unnecessary comment and I don't then allow me to say I am sorry if whatever I said hurt your feelings. Really, I am. I don't really feel I say unnecessary things but since you felt something I said was unnecessary then we will just have to agree to disagree and call a truce.
The one thing I have learned is when you (generally speaking, not you per say) are directly involved in a situation it is very easy to overlook things or have what I call "tunnel vision". It is something I have to remind myself each day or each time something happens with my H.
My harsh reality is my H is living with the woman he cheated on me with and has been in a very deep sexual and intimate affair with her for 26 months. So when he texts me or e-mails me something that is reminiscent of how he used to be or how I want him to be it really turns me around. It is then I turn to this board, my in person divorce support group or my C to get back on track. And while I don't like to hear it, the posters that were kind enough to spend time reading the latest with my H all basically said the same thing... he doesn't care about you and this is a game to him. And they are right. I mean it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that but I am the one invested to some extent so I get twisted up about certain things. It is not easy to be reminded of what my H really is now but I know the people who are telling me this are probably spot on.
Clearly you want to see as much good as possible in your H right now, especially as a father. But the very painful reality is right now he is making choices that are not so great. Just like my H has made choices that are not so great. You don't have to answer me but it stuck out to me in a big way that you sort of gloss over the fact OW has a child that is 3, your H lives with them (or you are pretty sure he does) yet he is only a part time father to your son. Given those facts it is hard to understand why you afford him anything more than the bare minimum. I am not asking you that to be cruel or self serving. It seems like a pretty reasonable question. Like I said, you don't have to answer or even comment but it's not so much about me poking around looking for ugly things to point out.
Now maybe you don't feel that is an issue or maybe you have dealt with it on your own or maybe you really never thought of it that way but you did ask for alternate opinions so I gave mine.
People ask me ALL the time why in hell I agreed to this separation after what my H did. And the only answer I have is I felt so pressured and so beat down in so many ways it simply made the most sense at the time. Now I regret it and had I even put an ounce of thought into what people were asking me to think about at the time then maybe I would not be in the position I am in. IOW I should not have shunned alternative viewpoints because they were painful for me to hear. I perhaps should have at least considered them since most of the alternative viewpoints were things I really did not consider or think were a big deal at the time (they were) but I was just way to caught up in things to examine the big picture and all the particulars.
Now I know nothing about raising children. I can tell you how to raise a pug, how to cook cajun food, how to search family law online and how to create a gorgeous smokey eye but I know nothing about raising children. Because I allowed myself to get caught up in my H's BS for way too long I do see things a certain way and feel it is not outlandish to point out red flags.
Not long ago I completed my first semester of school and I am not sure what I will do for the fall. In a way I love it and on the other end I hate it. I am not sure I have the mental stamina to work in an attnys office and be involved in the dissolution of marriage and families. I also know that self employment in the field my business is in provides me with a great deal of stability as I can still work even when I am sick as I work out of a home office. If I give all that up for an 'office job' and I get sick again, well for now I am on my own and I am not sure how that will work.
It would be nice if somebody could tell us what is around the corner so we know what we should be busting our asses trying to do and what we should forget.
Maybe I should share more about myself but my situation is done for the most part and who wants to keep hearing the same BS? Not me, lol! Maybe though sharing more about me would help everybody see that I am not some negative, mean girl.
Look, I was at the bottom. I don't mean things were hard for me, I mean I had an actual nervous breakdown. If it were not for my mom, sister (and whole family) and the people who supported me (this forum, my dr's, support group) there is a good chance I would not be alive right now. An emotional breakdown and lupus are not a good mix and I was teetering on the edge. I almost lost my business and my home. I had to claw and fight to find the smallest measure of strength. I would like nothing more than to know that will NEVER happen to another person EVER again but it is just too hard. That is a big reason why I try and pull out facts (even if they are facts that are very, very sad) because each person can only deal with emotions in the way they see fit and sometimes it's too much to deal with facts and emotions at the same time.
And sometimes we know so much about our own situations we forget to spell it out. Like you said your H comes in to use the bathroom. My first reaction was tell him to go elsewhere. Then you said he had a medical problem and I was able to view the situation another way. I mean hell, what are you going to do? Tell a man with a medical issue he can't relieve himself? But until you added all the information it seemed odd to me that your H needed to use the bathroom at your house. See what I mean?
I cannot stand to see people get pushed around by their WAS. It makes me crazy. My H pushed me around (not physically but emotionally) and I had no idea how to handle it. And had people just said "hugs, Citygirl, it will be okay" I still would be getting pushed around. No, what is important I think (and if you don't that is okay) is to pull out the facts so you put aside the emotions of it all and make decent choices.
There really is no more or no less to my motivations of continuing to post on this forum.
