Well, I went home and did this:
1. Pressuring H,
2. Having expectations of H
3. Getting mad at/upset with/feelings hurt by H
4. Blaming H for my unhapiness **
5. Making ASSumptions about how H is thinking/feeling
6. Being depressed/moody
7. Being clingy/dependent/needy/crying/emotional

I just can't f##king do this. I don't know what happened last Tuesday, but ever since then, I just haven't been able to get back on the db'ing wagon. I just feel so pissed off at him.

Next Wed. is our 4 yr. dating anniv./2 1/2 yr. wedding anniv. I would like to celebrate, but last year (during an argument), he said that it wasn't an anniversary now that we are married. & now he has been going out with his friend regularly on Wed's. Do I ask if we can do something or do I let it go? Well, knowing me, I can't let it go.

So, why am I continuing to flip out and cause trouble? I feel like I am literally TRYING to push him away and thinking that life would be easier without him. I feel guilty for feeling this way. And I know deep down that that is not really what I want and that I do love him and that I know our R can work. We saw it 2 weekends ago, remember?

Did that just scare the shi! out of me? I just want SOOOO bad for him to put his arms around me, tell me that he loves me and that it will be ok, but I know that he WILL NOT do that now-no asking, begging, pleading, etc. would get him to do that. I'll have to db for months (AGAIN). I know-I'M A BIG BABY! I want this to be easy. I want this to be all over.

I continue to blame him for not "getting what I need" out of this r.

Today I am going to my C. I have been dreading it for the last couple days. I haven't seen her in a while. I usually end up feeling worse, and I have been thinking about ditching her. I have found an SBT. They are not covered by my insurance, but they have a sliding fee schedule. I go tonight to fill out pwork and figure out how much $ it would be. It doesn't sound like much. $10-90 a month. I said, "a MONTH??? Not a VISIT???" yeah, it's true! Wow, huh? There is a god! Switching will be another convo w/h.

Ok, I want to read a couple of your threads before "clocking in". Go ahead and give me the 2X4.