feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

I must update a little because things were actually going ok for me but damn talk about going up then crashing down...oh yeah it's that great rollercoaster ride I'm on huh? well I want off!

You guys would have been proud of me. I went to the graduation yesterday with no reservations or anxiety about seeing former husband. He had text S19 to come sit with him but son didn't want to and responds, "why don't you just come sit over here" and his dad replies, "it's ok I'll be fine." I'm glad because I didn't want him near us.

It was a beautiful ceremony as usual (had one last year too) it's a very nice school. When it was over we all go onto the football field for pictures and I was surprised the ex was standing there with everyone. It was a little awkward at first but I was ok. I was taking pictures with all the family and friends and I wasn't the least bit interested in Mr. Luv. I caught him trying to make eye contact with me as if he wanted to say hello but I wasn't giving it to him. I ignored him the entire time.

I left the kids with him (he was taking them to lunch) and walked away feeling just fine. I went home to finish up some things for daughter's party later that day and was surprised that I wasn't bothered by seeing him and didn't feel sad. Well..maybe just a tiny tiny bit when we couldn't take a family picture anyway....

First let me say he was in vegas last week closing a bank. He takes the kids to lunch and shows them some pics on his iphone (he was raving about jumping off the stratosphere) I was only sorry he didn't hit the ground! so....kids come home and tell me right when they walk in the door "dad showed us some pictures of his friends on his iphone and when we asked who they were he said, my girlfriend and laughed." Right then and there I felt socked in the stomach - not for me but for my kids. How could he do such an insensitive thing? ugh made me sick.

It's not even funny...whether its true or not...it's not something you tell your kids when you haven't seen them in almost a month! When you left their mother and they feel abandoned by you...you tell them..even in fun about a girlfriend? when they are eating???down right disgusting! ugh

So..it gets better. We have the party and its very nice. Later on in the evening my daughter starts crying. I say, "what the heck is wrong?" thinking...today was a lovely day and everything went well and she shouldn't be sad about anything. I find a text to a guy saying she wanted to kill herself. I take her phone and keep it as I'm going to read the texts...she flips out and says fine, "we need to talk."

She proceeds to tell me she is having such a hard time that she feels so abandoned by her dad...that he left her. I said, "no...her name....he left me not you" she replies, "no mom he left US." I had no words - she was right. I still tried to assure her her dad loved her even though he is being very selfish right now. She wasn't buying it and broke down. She told me about what she has been feeling and what the boys have been feeling I knew they were sad but not to this extent. She tells me that her brother(19) often tears up out of nowhere and asks him, "what's wrong?" and he replies, "I can't tell you."

Who said older kids are better off in a divorce - not. I think it's worse. Anyway..she tells me she doesn't want to live and thinks about dying. That she is so heartbroken - told me just like that - that she is so heartbroken and doesn't feel loved by anyone - not her dad - not me - no one and feels alone. I wanted to DIE.
At that moment I literally said what the f*ck have I done to deserve all this sh*t being put on me? It's so much pressure and it's all on me!

The former dad and husband is over there living his life free of responsibility while I'm picking up all the broken pieces!! AND trying to stay above water emotionally. I'm telling you guys I had to suck it up last night listening to her tell me all this stuff. I wanted to cry with her. I was dying inside. I woke up this morning after 3 hours of sleep just miserable. I keep praying for this to stop..I've had enough. I can't take anymore.

Luv

[Onthemountaintop]

The former dad and husband is over there living his life free of responsibility while I'm picking up all the broken pieces!!

If he isn't asked to be responsible, he probably won't. She won't tell her dad the things she told you. Only you can do that. If you can pull up the strength, keep in touch with your husband about the kids. It will help them, even if it hurts you.

Good luck.

[Gardener]

luv,

I'm telling you guys I had to suck it up last night listening to her tell me all this stuff. I wanted to cry with her. I was dying inside.

So next time cry with her. It'll you do you both a lot of good. Probably moreso her.

stop..I've had enough. I can't take anymore.

I know. There will be less and less to "take" over time and, slowly, more and more strength to take it with.
(((luv)))

[luvless]

OT - I will do whatever it takes to help my kids.

Gardener - thank you for your compassion.

[Onthemountaintop]

These are the situations that really test the guts that make you a strong woman. It must be hard to put your kids ahead of your pain.

Remember to keep moving forward toward a situation that feels settled between you, your husband, and your kids and you'll only have pride in twenty years.

Sleep well, Luv.

[alice444]

Oh, Luv, I am so sorry for what happened this weekend. If he had his head on straight he would see that his behavior was 100% inappropriate and that he has A$$ painted in big red letters on his forehead, at least at those moments.

I'm concerned about your D. I can't imagine how hard it is to summon the strength to be a mom in a situation like this while you're going through all this other crap. You have had enough, and I hope that whoever's up there realizes this soon and sends some better stuff your way. I hope your D can get through this and find outlets and ways to cope that aren't self-destructive.

You totally deserve a break. I'm sending "give her a break" thoughts out to you.

((((Luv))))

[LSG]

luv,

I feel so bad for the pain you and your kids are experiencing. None of you have done anything wrong to deserve this.

Insensitivity is something your husband has seemed to master too well. It is a good mother and person like you that will bring your kids through this terrible time they are having because you are the one person that they can truly count on. Unfortunately it is all on you because you are the person that is there for your kids, and your H is not.

Divorce is not easy on kids no matter what the age they are. Both my daughter and son locked their doors in the car when their mother tried to tell them goodbye today.

I am praying for you and your family everyday! You will have the strength you need to make it. We are all here for you to help you find that strength.

Let it out with your daughter if you need to cry. It is okay for both of you to feel these emotions together.