I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you are. I know how that is and somehow you've got to stop the down hill slide you're on. It sounds like depression is taking hold. Are you on any antidepressants? Exercise helps a lot. A good, hard workout can clear the brain and make you feel better.
I don't know what happened, but we all sometimes crash. Something that has helped me was to get angry. Not at H, but at satan. I think that you have said in a post that you believe in God, but you're not sure there is a devil. Well, I believe that satan exists, too, and he loves to cause havoc in our lives and marriages. Since marriage was ordained by God, he hates it. Satan loves to destroy our marriages and he can be very subtle in the way he goes about it. Satan wants nothing more than to use your depression and feelings right now to drive your H away from you and move you toward D. Get angry at Satan. Tell him that he is not going to use your weakness to destroy your marriage. See this as a battle and know that you are going to win because God is on your side. God wants your marriage. God wants you to be happy and close to your H. I know that right now you don't feel close to God, but He is there.
You have the strength, if not in yourself then use God's. You can go back to the things that you were doing that worked. If being around MIL and your mom drags you down, stay away from them if possible or when you are around them and they start man-bashing, say positive things about H to counteract what they are saying.
Obviously we've both learned from this board that things do not happen very fast, but I'd say that you've come a long way in a short time. You can do this. You can change Karen. You can't change H. But, the changes in Karen can cause the changes you want to see in H.
Quote: Why can't I see the light?
You have seen the light. It is just a little dim right now. Find that dimmer switch and turn it back up!
Come here to type and cry. I do the same thing. Then, remind yourself that you are a strong woman who loves her H and whose H loves her and who is going to kick satan's b*tt right out of her marriage.
Here, have a nice big bowl of ice cream. You are going to win this battle. Make sure you are taking your vitamins (plenty of B's). If you have AD's, take them. Exercise, even if you just find a track and run around and around. You can do this.
And last, you said you were scared. Here is what Optimist said in a post to me. Maybe it will help you.
Quote: I know that fear kills the soul. And if your soul is dead, you are too, even if you still breathe and your heart is beating.
Quote: As a practical matter, I try to repeat constantly my mantra "I cannot control him, I can only control myself" and if that does not work I use the Bene Gesserit 'Litany against fear' from Dune by Frank Herbert. Works for me
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
