I just feel so darned depressed and sad...

++ H had to go on a long drive today for car parts and called me just to say hi and see how my day was going.

he called later and said the car was kicking his (butt) and that his friend called and he was going out for a couple beers. I said that was fine, I was working late...

Believe it or not, I'm not a big chocolate fan. How about ice cream???

I know I need to laugh more with him! That def. works. And when he feels put on the spot, he resists big time. He is romantic, just not when he is pressured by the big bad karen. Ok, I was doing so well, what happened?

We know I get scared. Why do I get so scared? there was definite progress. He was showing interest, acting like he wanted to be around me, initiating sex more, said ily a couple times, etc. I was opening up my heart, i felt love, i was adoring him and accepting him, then BAM!!! I come crashing down! Yes, I know it's a cycle, the pit, the wall, whatever you call it.

I need to go back to biting my tongue, being strong, being patient and disciplined. Loving myself, feeling secure, independent, confident, sexy, etc. Where did I go? Where does this contempt come from? Why do I set him up for failure? Why can I not appreciate him?

I know that being around my MIL, mother, etc. (man-haters) makes me feel worse. I absorb negativity like a sponge. I start to think like I believe that they do and feel about men the way that I believe that they do. Well, I am an adult and should be able to have my own beliefs and opinions about men-namely, my h.

It is so hard for me to trust him, to believe that he really loves and cares about me. He just can't jump through enough hoops for me. He just can't prove it enough for me. So, he got tired of trying. He got tired of telling me and reassuring me. I don't blame him. Wait, yes I do. I continue to expect him to keep telling me that he does love and care about me. I feel like I NEED him to tell me! I desperately want him to say these things to me!

Why can't I see the light? Why does writing on here make me cry so much? Ok, am I posting to myself? Do you think I am not listening to the advice that you are giving me? Do I need a 2X4? I know my sitch. is NOT bad, I know that my H is not doing anything wrong! I am only making my own M bad myself and creating my own probs! This I KNOW! (obviously, that is why i am here-to bust my own divorce!) I do not want a divorce, though my actions would prove otherwise at times.

I want to change. The reason I love SBT is b/c they believe that people DO want to change not the typical therapy that says, "you are resistant...blah blah blah..."
I just need solutions! Ok, I do know what works. It's just a matter of sticking to it, and for a longer period of time. Yes, I am impatient. I expect more in a shorter period of time. I would like to know the mathematical equation of how long of good it takes to remove the bad. I guess 4 months of good cannot undo 43 1/2 months of mixed...
WTF am I thinking??? I guess that helps put things into perspective.

Thanks for reading.
karen