Haven't posted to you in ages...sorry. I don't post a whole lot anymore but I read threads everyday. You have been doing so well! I envy you! Go girl!!! lol
Hey I found an incredibly helpful book called "If this is love, why do I feel so insecure?" by Carl G. Hindy, Ph. D., J. Conrad Schwartz, Ph. D. and Archie Brodsky. I identify with it sooo much and it's a really useful tool. I got it from Amazon.com for a couple bucks.
You keep hanging in there...you really are doing great! Take care, Debi
Hi Debi, I've missed you. How are you??? I think I have that book somewhere in the archives. LO, I HAVE backed off on the plans thing...another story...
Well, I have to say that I continue to suck at this, I messed up AGAIN. I feel like I can't do this. He's still around, but if I keep doing this he won't be!!! I am soooo frustrated with myself, but I am soooo tired of acting!! I am sooo tired of pretending. I need some time to myself to regroup, but I just don't take it. I am kind of scared to just say that I need time away. Why? Because I am scared of what he will do when he is away? Because I feel like I should take advantage of the time that he is with me?
Not sure...I had lots of thoughts of throwing in the towel this weekend, but I know that I love him and that he is a great guy. I'm just running out of steam...and don't know where to find more coal...
karen - want to write more, boss just showed up to work...meet ya' for lunch??
Sounds like you do need to give yourself a little break. It is really hard to be "on" all of the time. I know you're tired. I am, too, and I think that probably everybody on this board is.
Would it be possible for you to simply tell him that you're really feeling stressed lately and that you know you're hard to be around when you're like that. That you need a little time to "get over it" by yourself so that you won't bring him down. Then maybe you can encourage him to go out with his friends for an evening. Would that surprise him? Maybe you're talking about more than just an evening. Could you maybe plan an out of town girls night with some friends or a family member and then find some time while you're away to be alone? I know it isn't easy, but you need to take care of youself.
You still have some steam left, you just need to restock the coal bin and start shoveling again!
I can't go away for any length of time. No $$$. Did I say no $$$? I meant NOOOO $$$ as in ZERO Dollars, NADA.
Anyhow, what do I say? "I can't cope? I need space? I can't deal with you? You are wonderful? I'm f**ked up? I want to curl up & bawl? I can't deal with this? I'm tired of faking it?" (acting as if, that is).
I'm too stressed to make take care of myself let alone put his needs in front of mine. Does that make sense? I feel so selfish.
I don't know why it is so hard for me, but I just want to hear that he loves me or cares about me, etc.
Anyway, I know I am jumping all over the place. Yesterday was good. My mom was sick Tday and her basement has been flooding so she brought her turkey over our house to cook. H helped clean the house and did a really good job. My uncle came over so it was just the 4 of us. After everyone left I was going to start the dishes and he said that we could do them tomorrow and that it was time to crash. I said that he could go without me and he said that no b/c it was time for "snugglies." I also was trying to go back to some of my 180's sun. morn. and not hang on him. He did pull me towards him to spoon and then initiated . My prob. was that Sat. he made a joke when I wanted him to say something romantic. (Right-I could not control the situation...) Then I got upset about not "hearing" words from him enough. We talked **too much**... That's why i feel like I am messing up big time. If I keep doing this, things will just go back to the way they were. I feel unhappy, so does he, we both say things we don't want to hear, etc.
I totally understand about the $$$ thing. I don't have the extra right now either.
Could you say something like, "You know, right now I feel like I'm saying the wrong things when I'm around you. It's not you that's causing it, it is just that I feel so stressed about everything. I feel like if I take a few hours to be by myself and regroup that I'll be a lot more pleasant for you to be around." Would that work? I don't know how sensitive your H is.
I don't think it's selfish to feel like you can't take care of him right now. We have to take care of ourself first in order to have anything to give to those we love.
My H makes jokes sometimes when I'm wanting him to say something romantic, too. He's just really not the romantic type and I think it makes him uncomfortable when I "prompt" him. We usually end up joking and laughing about it though. Try to lighten up and joke around. (I think you gave me that advice one time yourself!! ) You have to stop trying to control H and just control Karen. You'll feel a lot better without the added stress of trying to control everything.
So, take a deep breath, have some chocolate, exercise, have some more chocolate, take another deep breath and feel better.
You can do this. Patience, control, chocolate. It will work!
++ H had to go on a long drive today for car parts and called me just to say hi and see how my day was going.
he called later and said the car was kicking his (butt) and that his friend called and he was going out for a couple beers. I said that was fine, I was working late...
Believe it or not, I'm not a big chocolate fan. How about ice cream???
I know I need to laugh more with him! That def. works. And when he feels put on the spot, he resists big time. He is romantic, just not when he is pressured by the big bad karen. Ok, I was doing so well, what happened?
We know I get scared. Why do I get so scared? there was definite progress. He was showing interest, acting like he wanted to be around me, initiating sex more, said ily a couple times, etc. I was opening up my heart, i felt love, i was adoring him and accepting him, then BAM!!! I come crashing down! Yes, I know it's a cycle, the pit, the wall, whatever you call it.
I need to go back to biting my tongue, being strong, being patient and disciplined. Loving myself, feeling secure, independent, confident, sexy, etc. Where did I go? Where does this contempt come from? Why do I set him up for failure? Why can I not appreciate him?
I know that being around my MIL, mother, etc. (man-haters) makes me feel worse. I absorb negativity like a sponge. I start to think like I believe that they do and feel about men the way that I believe that they do. Well, I am an adult and should be able to have my own beliefs and opinions about men-namely, my h.
It is so hard for me to trust him, to believe that he really loves and cares about me. He just can't jump through enough hoops for me. He just can't prove it enough for me. So, he got tired of trying. He got tired of telling me and reassuring me. I don't blame him. Wait, yes I do. I continue to expect him to keep telling me that he does love and care about me. I feel like I NEED him to tell me! I desperately want him to say these things to me!
Why can't I see the light? Why does writing on here make me cry so much? Ok, am I posting to myself? Do you think I am not listening to the advice that you are giving me? Do I need a 2X4? I know my sitch. is NOT bad, I know that my H is not doing anything wrong! I am only making my own M bad myself and creating my own probs! This I KNOW! (obviously, that is why i am here-to bust my own divorce!) I do not want a divorce, though my actions would prove otherwise at times.
I want to change. The reason I love SBT is b/c they believe that people DO want to change not the typical therapy that says, "you are resistant...blah blah blah..." I just need solutions! Ok, I do know what works. It's just a matter of sticking to it, and for a longer period of time. Yes, I am impatient. I expect more in a shorter period of time. I would like to know the mathematical equation of how long of good it takes to remove the bad. I guess 4 months of good cannot undo 43 1/2 months of mixed... WTF am I thinking??? I guess that helps put things into perspective.
Hi karen, I like the suggestion of the last posting. Maybe try saying it in a note instead. And it sounds like you're fighting off depression, in which case a good workout of some type might really help - something like running, swimming, something cheap or free.
From what you wrote, I think he's trying to show you he wants to be with you.
I'm so sorry you're feeling the way you are. I know how that is and somehow you've got to stop the down hill slide you're on. It sounds like depression is taking hold. Are you on any antidepressants? Exercise helps a lot. A good, hard workout can clear the brain and make you feel better.
I don't know what happened, but we all sometimes crash. Something that has helped me was to get angry. Not at H, but at satan. I think that you have said in a post that you believe in God, but you're not sure there is a devil. Well, I believe that satan exists, too, and he loves to cause havoc in our lives and marriages. Since marriage was ordained by God, he hates it. Satan loves to destroy our marriages and he can be very subtle in the way he goes about it. Satan wants nothing more than to use your depression and feelings right now to drive your H away from you and move you toward D. Get angry at Satan. Tell him that he is not going to use your weakness to destroy your marriage. See this as a battle and know that you are going to win because God is on your side. God wants your marriage. God wants you to be happy and close to your H. I know that right now you don't feel close to God, but He is there.
You have the strength, if not in yourself then use God's. You can go back to the things that you were doing that worked. If being around MIL and your mom drags you down, stay away from them if possible or when you are around them and they start man-bashing, say positive things about H to counteract what they are saying.
Obviously we've both learned from this board that things do not happen very fast, but I'd say that you've come a long way in a short time. You can do this. You can change Karen. You can't change H. But, the changes in Karen can cause the changes you want to see in H.
Quote: Why can't I see the light?
You have seen the light. It is just a little dim right now. Find that dimmer switch and turn it back up!
Come here to type and cry. I do the same thing. Then, remind yourself that you are a strong woman who loves her H and whose H loves her and who is going to kick satan's b*tt right out of her marriage.
Here, have a nice big bowl of ice cream. You are going to win this battle. Make sure you are taking your vitamins (plenty of B's). If you have AD's, take them. Exercise, even if you just find a track and run around and around. You can do this.
And last, you said you were scared. Here is what Optimist said in a post to me. Maybe it will help you.
Quote: I know that fear kills the soul. And if your soul is dead, you are too, even if you still breathe and your heart is beating.
Quote: As a practical matter, I try to repeat constantly my mantra "I cannot control him, I can only control myself" and if that does not work I use the Bene Gesserit 'Litany against fear' from Dune by Frank Herbert. Works for me
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Hi, I must print this last response-it is very good! Yes, I should get mad at the devil! It is his fault! He preys on my weaknesses!!!
I copied the hw assignment that I gave to LO and am going to do it myself: What helps in your R? Give me a list of at least 5. What does NOT work? Give me a list of at least 5. (even if you have to go back a few years for answers). What are some of your more of the same behaviors? What would be some 180's for you? If your h were acting how you wanted him to, how would you be acting? What would you be doing differently?
What helps: 1. Accepting H, loving him unconditionally 2. Laughing/joking/playing around w/H 3. Giving H emotional/physical space 4. Cooking dinner/cleaning house 5. Being secure, independent, confident 6. Taking care of myself
What doesn't work: 1. Pressuring H, 2. Having expectations of H 3. Getting mad at/upset with/feelings hurt by H 4. Blaming H for my unhapiness ** 5. Making ASSumptions about how H is thinking/feeling 6. Being depressed/moody 7. Being clingy/dependent/needy/crying/emotional
More of the same behaviors: 1. Crying for not getting my way 2. Getting my feelings hurt 3. Asking for more more more (express your feelings, take me out, dress up for me, show me affection, buy me stuff, have energy for me, initiate sex, be romantic, show me that you care, say stuff, compliment me, call me, etc., etc., etc...) 4. Taking his jokes seriously 5. Being impatient that things aren't changing quickly enough 6. Not having faith in our r. 7. Not trusting him/feeling jealous/insecure, etc.
180's: Being strong, secure, confident, trusting, laughing (with him and at myself), having faith, being logical & rational (what??? ). Being CALM, being emotionally stable (what he ALWAYS asks for-that's only what he asks for! Can I buy that on e-bay?) Um, accepting what I get and not NEEDING more all the time, not being dependent on him for my self-worth, not needing him for my happiness, not blaming him for my insecurities and unhapiness. Being patient and keeping my d@mn mouth shut! Being a truly loving, accepting, appreciative wife that I know I can be and that he deserves. **sniff** I would be his friend. This answer applies to the last 2 questions really.
If I print these, will I READ them continuously???
I am not current at all with you, I didn't drop you because I don't want to keep up, I just had to stop reading for awhile. It has helped me clear up my head and focus some.
But I am starting to get back out again, so hopefully will be caught up with you before long!
Hope you are doing well.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
. My prob. was that Sat. he made a joke when I wanted him to say something romantic. (Right-I could not control the situation...) Then I got upset about not "hearing" words from him enough. We talked **too much**... That's why i feel like I am messing up big time. If I keep doing this, things will just go back to the way they were. I feel unhappy, so does he, we both say things we don't want to hear, etc. 
) You have to stop trying to control H and just control Karen. You'll feel a lot better without the added stress of trying to control everything.
Ok, am I posting to myself? Do you think I am not listening to the advice that you are giving me? Do I need a 2X4? I know my sitch. is NOT bad, I know that my H is not doing anything wrong! I am only making my own M bad myself and creating my own probs! This I KNOW! (obviously, that is why i am here-to bust my own divorce!) I do not want a divorce, though my actions would prove otherwise at times.