Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

So it's all over now...not sure what to make of everything, but H went back home yesterday. It's been a lot of ups and downs the last few days. There were moments where I would think "this is it - he's finally seeing the light", where I could see him out of the corner of my eye just looking at me, almost just staring. Thru his eyes I could see love and appreciation, but there was still a bit of confusion in it too. There were other times where he would just put his hand on my leg or hand and just squeeze it and other momments of heartfelt thank yous. I was just really able to be there for him in a time when he was really in need and that felt good. These were the good times.

Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad. There were things that irked me and reminded me why we would never be able to together forever. For starters, he still continues to try to manipulate me. On Thursday, we stopped by his parents house to say hi, pick up his personals items, etc. He said he would be upstairs for awhile b/c he needed to text everyone to let them know he was ok. (He left his phone at his parents house, thank goodness, so luckily I didn't have to deal w/ his constant texting during his stay.) I told him well, that's fine, as long as that didn't involve any girls. That put him in a hissy fit and he said that he might just go back home that night. (Manipulation part - he knows how to get to me b/c he knows how much I wanted him to stay). I had just started to plead my case but then I reminded myself that I was doing him the favor, so I quickly regained my composure and just said fine, have fun making your own smoothies. He piped down after that. He brought up his texts later to me (his truce?) and said that he had only received a text from a co-worker and one from OW1. Ug, why is she still here? We talked about her for a minute. H said he had told her before he left that since he was going to be out for 2 weeks and if she put her 2 weeks notice in now, he would never have to see her again. (Supposedly, he is really mean to her now, according to all of H's accounts). Then even after his meaness, she still texts him to say hope you're doing well. Get a clue! (this just reaffirms my belief that the only reason why OW1 keeps driving back all this way is for my H - some women seem to just draw to that negativity). H said he just replied thanks, and something how he was doing good, just sore. But that's the end of the OW1 saga. The rest just dealt with little everyday things. Depsite my protests, H would watch shows in front of S that aren't appropriate for a 1.5 year old(nothing horrible, but like CSI and stuff which has way too much violence it in). When I would protest, H would just say I was being ridiculous. I finally just took S to the other room to play and when H asked what I was doing, I just told him that I didn't want S to watch it, so we left. It just reminds me again about 1) his selffishness and 2) his complete lack of knowledge of how to be a dad and how to live with S. Besides that, I could tell he was really fighting his depression too b/c he kept getting really negative about life and honestly, was not a very fun person to be around the last few days. What a downer! But this was the bulk of the bad stuff.

I tried to be somewhat understanding b/c I knew he was grouchy and miserable from all the pain and on top of his sleeping being even worse then before (from the pain + sleep apnea even worse from swelling). On the other hand, I didn't want to be taken advantage of, so I had to really try to walk that fine line. I think I did as well as I could, and like I said before, he was truely appreciative of my help. In fact, he even told me he wanted to buy me something, but then asked what I wanted. I didn't have an answer for him, but I wish he would just take the extra step to actually think about something special he wants to get me and surprise me.

Last note, so H went home last night. I thought he was going to stay the whole weekend, but he said he had told me he was only going to stay Thursday night (not sure when he told me that, but he swears he did), but then when we wasn't feeling good enough still, so asked to stay Friday. For me, it's a momentous occasion b/c we finally got past the so called 1 night rule (since he has never stayed over for more than 1 night in a row before since we separated - if you recall my earlier posts on this). But yesterday he did leave. He said he was just ready to go home and just needed time to be miserable by himself. He said he had a hard time sleeping with me b/c he was afraid he would wake me. But I had a really hard time when he left - I suppose not so much that I really truely desired H to stay (b/c I was really beyond exhaustion from taking care of H and S, emotionally drained to keep a positve attitude in the midst of his depression ,etc) but b/c when he left, the loneliness set in again. Being separated, you just learn to life with it and it goes away, but then you get a taste of what it feels like to have someone next to you in bed at night, and someone to snuggle with on the couch and watch tv, but then it's all gone again. I kept up a strong front when H was leaving and just went with it, but the moment he left, I just broke down. I'm sure it didn't help that I was exhausted, but my heart just hurt so bad. Not even S could pull me out of it. I just hope it affected him as much as it affected me, but I guess only time will tell.

Today is a much better day. I had a great night of sleep last night (yay, no interruptions from H's medicine, icepacks, etc) and woke up feeling refreshed. I took S to the park today and we just had just an awesome time. I just love S so much! What a wonderful little kid. So, I really don't know what's going to happen with H and me, but I'm glad I had this chance to show him thru actions my love, and I guess just continue to take one day at a time.