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Questions: when was the last time this woman complimented you? Name three things she has said she liked about you.


She has not since our sitch began back in January. She us ect always. Well I don't know if this is a compliment or not but one day last week when she was telling me that she is "done" she said "I use to think yo were everything." I drop compliments to her whenever possible. The reason why is I use to put her down more than compliment her in the past. She always brings it up. I overheard how OM complimented her and this is how her obsession grew for him. Her gave her the attention and words I failed to give to her. I want her to know that I do find her to be very attractive contrary to what I might had said in the past.

Quote:
Why does she have trouble locking the doors?

And can she not get an umbrella for herself?


I am just trying to be the H she always wanted me to be. I know before our sitch if I had done these things there would be no sitch right now to talk about.

Quote:
Let her see herself out if you're tired. If you're already up, then fine, but don't follow after her like a servant. When you get up, check the doors. If they need to be locked, then lock them -- no big deal. LET HER DO MORE FOR HERSELF.


If I was not already up she would had said to me "I'm leaving for work." Just something we have ALWAYS done, let each other know we are leaving for work. I remember before our sitch sometimes I would just leave for work and not say anything, just leave, and she would call me on the phone so upset because I did not say "bye" (upset as an hurt not angry).

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A: "Yes, I did, but you don't need to be snotty about it." If she persists with the snotty tone, refuse to engage with her and leave the room.


Her response: "I'm not being snotty, you are the one who has the attitude"

I am looking for all the advice I can get but do you think if I gave that response that it would just start an argument? and to me using the word "snotty" sounds juvenile and entices a negative response from her. it may also lead her to think a button had been pushed.

Quote:

Why are you driving yourself nuts observing her every little action? This comes SCREAMING THRU in all of your posts, and if we notice it, I guaran-damn-tee you your wife notices it and feels like you're smothering her, judging her, and watching her every little move constantly. After you said goodbye, let her go to her car unobserved, and try not to read something negative ("more than likely throwing on her WAS mix") into everything she does when you DO observe it.


My W in her WAS state had made her so vulnerable that is so easily influenced tot he point where a song can tell her what to do. Over the past 4 months I seen her become obsessed with OM, let songs dictate her action and now it seems like she is becoming female co-worker's flunky. She is using music (one song in particular) to help her make decisions for our marriage.

I forgot to mention that W txt me when she got to work (PURSUIT ALERT)

W: it is WET out there!
Me: It is, I can her it coming down, hope your hair did not get wet because it looked great today

I was speaking in the way she styled it. If I don't compliment her surely someone else will and she may think "strangers and co-workers compliment me but not my W"

I feel deep down she wants to hear this stuff, she wants me to say as I feel but knowing her she will not give a reaction because as she would put it "I don't want you to know I am vulnerable."

That's why I ask more a more constructive way to compliment her that does not make it sound like pursuit.

Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 06/06/10 02:48 PM.

M: 27, W: 25
Together since: 01/31/00
M: 10/4/09 (8 Months)
ILBNILWY: 01/24/10
EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted).
Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10
Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
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I think the best way to compliment her that doens't sound like pursuit is to put it in the context of something else...

"Be sure to take an umbrella, your hair looks good and you likely don't want to mess it up"

The focus of this sentence is just to give her factual advice about the umbrella... It's similar to what you said, but the compliment is in the middle, it isn't hanging on the end.

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Her response: "I'm not being snotty, you are the one who has the attitude"

I am looking for all the advice I can get but do you think if I gave that response that it would just start an argument? and to me using the word "snotty" sounds juvenile and entices a negative response from her. it may also lead her to think a button had been pushed.


Try talking to her in an adult, negotiating way. "I think we have misunderstandings because of the way we talk to each other. I will try not to have an attitude with you, if you will try not to have an attitude with me. To help us recognize those times when we might misunderstand, let's just ask nicely if the other person is mad before we assume there is an attitude problem. After all, our lives will be better if we try to get along.'

Lotus #2015829 06/06/10 03:25 PM
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ry talking to her in an adult, negotiating way. "I think we have misunderstandings because of the way we talk to each other. I will try not to have an attitude with you, if you will try not to have an attitude with me. To help us recognize those times when we might misunderstand, let's just ask nicely if the other person is mad before we assume there is an attitude problem. After all, our lives will be better if we try to get along.'


This is similar to the whole "same respect you would give a stranger talk" where my W said "I will do as I feel." One day this lasted. The very next day I said bye and she said nothing. It is very intermittent. She does say 'thank you' however. She does not say "your welcome" at all.

I will give this a try, do I just bring it up and wait for the next time she tells me I have an attitude?


M: 27, W: 25
Together since: 01/31/00
M: 10/4/09 (8 Months)
ILBNILWY: 01/24/10
EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted).
Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10
Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Lotus #2015833 06/06/10 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed

I wanted to know for those who have reconciled, during the time the sitch was bad did your WS express same feeling "ILBNILY" "can never be with you again" "we got married for all the wrong reasons" did they ever 180 since you started to piece back together and say "ILY" or "I am happy with you"...cause as of now I just can't ever see that stage happening.



OIN, I'm going thru the same situation. Month # 22 and counting. It was just recently my wife started to lean on me while watching tv. It's a loooooong process. Our sex life isn't that bad as yours (1-2 times a week from 0). I remember 5 months back I touched her breath and she blasted in flames. Now I can touch her and she say nothing. Make love, try to reconnect.


Me:52
W:50
M:30
D:19S:27
Discovered EA:08/08 denied
W insisted on D+ILYBNILWY:08/08
Exposed wrong OMW:10/08
Found exact OM's ID 2/09
Expose OMW son, not sure OMW knows yet
25 months after still a rollercoaster
dgtal #2015844 06/06/10 04:07 PM
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Thanks dgtal, this confirms what I was saying before... a YEAR was the estimate I gave earlier... 22 months sounds about right to be where you are now... If you were still where OIN was at after 22 months I would wonder myself, but OIN is still in the early stages... very early...

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I will give this a try, do I just bring it up and wait for the next time she tells me I have an attitude?


You could do it either way, whatever you feel more comfortable with. Whether you like it or not, your wife resists growing up. Just because she doesn't like suggestions that she conduct herself like an adult is no reason to stop letting her know that it is what you expect from her. People will try to get away with whatever they think they can get away with. Thank you is more important than your welcome anyway. An English friend once told me they don't say your welcome. Someone says thank you and no reply is needed. Perhaps someone from England will comment on that.

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Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed


Quote:
Why does she have trouble locking the doors?

And can she not get an umbrella for herself?


I am just trying to be the H she always wanted me to be. I know before our sitch if I had done these things there would be no sitch right now to talk about.


But you said she had "trouble" locking the doors. Why?

Quote:


Quote:
Let her see herself out if you're tired. If you're already up, then fine, but don't follow after her like a servant. When you get up, check the doors. If they need to be locked, then lock them -- no big deal. LET HER DO MORE FOR HERSELF.


If I was not already up she would had said to me "I'm leaving for work." Just something we have ALWAYS done, let each other know we are leaving for work. I remember before our sitch sometimes I would just leave for work and not say anything, just leave, and she would call me on the phone so upset because I did not say "bye" (upset as an hurt not angry).


I'm not saying that you guys shouldn't let each other know when you're leaving. I'm saying that when she tells you, there's no need to get up out of bed and follow after her like a puppy dog.

Quote:
Her response: "I'm not being snotty, you are the one who has the attitude"

I am looking for all the advice I can get but do you think if I gave that response that it would just start an argument? and to me using the word "snotty" sounds juvenile and entices a negative response from her. it may also lead her to think a button had been pushed.


Are you saying you THINK that's what her response would be, or that you tried this, and she said that? confused As for the word "snotty," I like to call a spade a spade, and she IS being snotty to you. As for "starting an argument," sometimes you have to break a couple of eggs to make an omelette. I'm NOT saying to go around LOOKING for a fight, but -- in drawing a boundary -- sometimes one has to endure some short-term resistance in order to gain the long-term respect. Once you get better at this (learning to do it in a calm, loving -- but firm -- way), you'll usually have to do it only ONCE.

As for the last part of my post (about smothering her, and observing every little thing she does), and your response to it, I just don't think you're getting it. You have answers and justifications for everything you're doing, OIN, but IT'S . . .JUST . . . NOT . . . WORKING.

Why not try something different???

Puppy

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I understand you are trying very hard to change and rectify the hurt you caused your W for a very long time because you treated her poorly. I think the issue is the way you are trying to change may not be the best way.

Every couple has weird little quirks but if you add up all the weird little quirks you and your W have it is a bit disturbing IMO.

If your W can maneuver a flat iron/curling iron, operate a vehicle/ipod/computer/cell phone/remote control and function at work then why can't she lock a door in her own home? Do you see why that comes off as beyond bizarre? And even more bizarre is the fact you continue to do such a basic task for her. It almost seems like the two of you have a R that is not a husband and wife who are at odds with one another but more like you are the lonely/overbearing parent and she is the spoiled/sullen teenager.

All these strange rituals the two of you have seem to block the building of equality/respect and simple fuel this odd dynamic the two of you share.

If your W can operate a motor vehicle and technology she can lock a door. And if she cannot work the lock why not ask her to take a ride to the hardware store with you so the two of you can choose a lock that you both can work? IMO such a simple action could really go a long way to stop the cycle of the very odd rituals the two of you seem to have.

What you perceive as actions towards being a good H (doing EVERYTHING for your W and essentially following her around and having to cajole her into acting normal) are really adding to the toxicity of the R you two share.

I know you are trying here and that is good. Very good. I just think it might be time to do something else.

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CG, you said it much better -- and much more sympathetically -- than I did.

I'm sorry if my posts were overly harsh, OIN. CG's post better sums up what I was trying to convey.

Puppy

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