Sorry to hear you feel that way. I am glad you are speaking for yourself, it is helpful so I know what is going on between me and you. If somebody else has something to say why not let them say it instead of speaking for them? IMO it is more productive to communicate one on one then say gossip elsewhere about how mean I am, no?
Unless I misread and misunderstood you totally you did say you were looking to get some alternate opinions.
The reason I put the "disclaimer" on my posts to you was really quite simple. You sort of got bent when I used to post often to Flowmom and way back then started alluding to the fact you thought I was mean and harsh. Instead of doing that dance with you again I thought perhaps I would let you know right off the bat my intention was to provide you with an alternate opinion NOT with the intent of being "mean" (again, gossip is not nice!) but to post what you said (or so I thought) you wanted... alternate opinions/viewpoints to your situation.
Yes, words do matter, I agree. Does that go for both of us or just me?
As I have said a few times I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to be left while you are pregnant. I just can't. While I am glad you have the support of the other women here who have been in the same situation (and I am equally as horrified for them) it also keeps you in a bubble so to speak. Sort of like it would be VERY easy for me to gather a group of women who have lupus and are very ill and had there H's leave them (which is what happened to me) and only view the situation through the bubble of *only* being sick or pregnant.
You had posted that a great concern you had was your son bonding with OW so you thought the best course of action was to have your H over more so your son would have less exposure to OW. I know I am not crazy, I know you posted that. My point was if you do divorce you will have less "control" (and control is probably not the best word to use) over who your son spends time with when he is not in your care.
I understand legally you may have no recourse. What I said was just because the law says there is nothing you can do it doesn't prevent you from having a discussion with your H about it. On the flip side if you do divorce and you do start dating somebody would you be appalled if your H came to talk to you about the role your new boyfriend would play in your son's life? Seeing how hard you work to be a good mother I would speculate that although it would be an uncomfortable/difficult discussion to have it might be good for the BOTH of you.
You said you see no benefit it talking to your H. Or you asked what the benefit would be. Well, to me the benefit would be you and your H are being open and honest about the people you both expose your son to in his formative years and the level of involvement "they" (they = his GF, a future BF of yours) will have in your child's life.
While I have confidence in you that you will choose a quality man to share your time with in the future, from what you have posted it seems your H has chosen a woman who is not of your caliber. And there is not a whole lot you can do about that (his choices I mean) but his choices (or yours for that matter) should not prevent you from having any discussion you feel is important. And if you worry (or whatever feeling you have) about the OW and your son, despite the fact you have no legal recourse, why not simply put it out there in a reasonable manner with your H? In turn, maybe one day he will have to come to you and have the same conversation about the man in your life. None of that was suggested to you as some grand design to get your H to leave the OW. It was suggested to you because you seemed to be concerned about your son bonding with OW.
I feel you think that when I suggest you set firm boundaries or do something different or reclaim your power you equate that to some sort of dramatic, trailer trash, hair pulling scene. IMO quiet action is far more effective and never once did I suggest you go in swinging.
I don't think your H is scum. I don't know your H. What I have surmised based on what you have shared is he has made some very bad choices for himself, you and his son. I never once said your H was scum.
And a person who makes long term bad and harmful choices is not void of good qualities but had your H not made these choices you would not be here, no?
As I told you y'day I went back and read your threads posted in your signature. IIRC one of the first people to respond to you was a poster named "no code blue" and he/she essentially expressed the same thing I have... while your H might have good qualities the choices he is making as a husband and father are not good.
I don't say anything to anybody in order to make myself "feel good". I would like to be wrong 10,000% of the time when it comes to this site. I would like for there to be NO NEED for this site to exist.
I really hope you are able to find a solution that is best for you and your son. If you have a problem with me I would much prefer direct communication rather that gossip and attacks. But right now what is most important is for you to keep moving forward so you can make the best life you can for you. I know somehow you will find a way to do that.
