thanks for your support, ladies of wisdom!!

I know-there have been many positives!!! I was just going on and on about all the good stuff last weekend. Oh, that was only 3 days ago! Why do I think it would change so fast? Yep-FEAR!!! I'm so scared! I wish I could quit this nonsense! I know it is a cycle. I don't know how to say, I think I need to be alone tonight. Or I think I need some space, or something. I'm afraid that he'll get afraid that I'm going to freak out, then his walls will come up. I thought by saying, "you can go out monday and/or tuesday" that he would, but he said no. We are going out separately Sat.

I guess I feel like I need to be "on" all of the time. Like, sometimes I want to come home and veg out for a while, take a bath, and then go out to dinner and have convo. Like last night-I came home, (he is off t & w), he was playing his guitar. I go ds to xo hello. I go back upstairs. (I have encouraged him in the past to practice and told him that he doesn't have to quit b/c i am home), but he comes upstairs. I go potty, brush my teeth, etc. want to collapse-i feel totally drained from not sleeping well and dreaming about work. (yuck!) I want to cry, but don't want to set him off and don't want to be "needy". I just want my blankie!! tee hee... so we sit on the couch and snuggle some, he asks what's wrong i say i'm tired. we chit chat, try to figure out what to do for dinner. I tell him it's his turn to pick. decide that we want to watch a couple of the re-runs on tv. then i fluff-n-puff and we go out to eat.

he runs into a girl. he introduces me to her as a bartender from the restaraunt that he/we go to after bike riding. (sometimes he spends hours there on tues.) she asks where he's been, he says it's been cold, etc. i feel some jealousy, i wonder if he is attracted to her, etc., i want to say something to him. But do i? NOOOO!! I was a good girl!! I did a major 180!! I talked myself out of it. Decided that he just sees her as a friendly person to chat with (that serves BEER), and well, she wasn't that cute, and that as long as he is happy with me, he won't want anyone else!!! YIPPEE!!! THIS IS HUGE FOR ME!!!

So, why doesn't he notice? dunno...takes it for granted i guess. he figures i should never be jealous so...

We've had convo's that the better we get along, the more likely h will want to go out in public. It will just take time. We do ok going to see bands, the prob's have been in nightclubs and at this weekly festival in the summer where we run into his xfiance. I had MAJOR j issues with her. (story for another time.)

I should be REALLY grateful for the romantic eve. we had last friday. Somethings happened that I have always hoped for. I continue to hope for our romantic life to get better and better. Which of course, requires more work on the R.

Ok,
how about goals for the next couple days:

1. Set aside some time for myself and verbalize it if necessary
2. Act as if I am cheerful, bubbly, independent
3. Don't let our convo. get in the way of continuing to DB.
4. Believe that this too shall pass
5. Don't worry about what his friends think of me (who cares anyway, right?)
6. Appreciate what I have. (I know we are much farther along than a lot of people here.) But, it has only been a few months ago that h said he didn't know if he wanted to be m to me too.
7. Continue to love and adore h-open my heart to him (and God)
8. Figure out what truly makes Karen happy-is it really nightclubs or is it having special convo's with hubby or laughing or whapping him in the face with a sock?(even though I end up on the floor.) How can I reach my goal of climbing Joshua Tree or Devil's Tower? (With a guide of course) Does anyone want to go with me??? Don't have a year picked yet. Maybe '05?? Ok, so 8 is going to require a lot of work.

Is that enough? Oc, I don't think i'll be around either tday. So, i'll see ya'll (no, i am a midwesterner) (yes, i KNOW it's not in the midwest).
karen
p.s. thanks for the compliment water on the humor and insight!