still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

Will this criticism help the person or hurt them more?
Will this make me "right" or make me happy?

Citygirl, I think you have some very good harsh truth observations that will help some people who are stuck.

But you also do have a way of going just a little too far that caused me to lose you.

Meaning instead of being angry but thinking "well, she could be right. I should think about that." I reacted with anger and "that is just plain mean and upsets me more than helps me! I can't do anything about it and she still needs to say it because it helps her to feel good about getting it off of her chest and BEING RIGHT!"


Citygirl- I was hanging in there with you on these points:

1)I am letting WH have all the power
2)I need to be sure that accommodations I am making are for S and not WH and OW
3)WH sees me as a mother and not the woman he wants to be with
4)WH has no motivation to divorce me because he doesn't have to in order to get what he is getting

BUT then there is a point where if you want the reader to be able to receive and process and consider what you are saying, you don't want to lose their affinity. Also, it makes me think "oh, she has this bias all along where because SHE THINKS my husband is scum, I SHOULD THINK he is and she is not seeing the points about him that I know. Therefore, her advice is NULL to me because she is being subjective."

How does saying this help me to accept divorce?
"The OW is a bad influence on your S and so is your H for choosing her."

Again, I have NO LEGAL grounds to prevent OW from seeing my son. I do not believe a second that anything I say to WH will cause him to leave OW. So IMO that comment is just hurtful. Sure, you can say that you didn't intend to hurt me. But please have some consideration for the power of words- they evoke emotions and create images! I have come soooo far in being able to ACCEPT divorce if that is what will happen!

There were other comments but because you just have to put the disclaimer of IMO and I am not intending to hurt you, it seems to give yourself permission to say whatever.

I know YOU did not cause ME to feel this way, I caused myself, I am in charge of my own reactions to people. So now I will need to find a way to comfort myself.

WORDS MATTER. Use them wisely! I am letting you know this publicly in case it might sink in and help you edit your responses to people. If I feel this way, I know others must as well.