I am back...and finding me

[ericmsant2]

All

Thank you for you words of encouragement. I very much appreciate it. I want to apologize for the use of BUTS in the following post….

Although I am in a dark place right I know I will survive. I know that the circle that is life, changes, evolves, moves, grows and I must learn to face it. Face it as the new man!

This is ME! A man with scares, a man that now STANDS and screams ….I HURT, I made mistakes….BUT I AM A MAN. I know stand for ME! Call it selfish, call it what you like. I am ME!

I must face the fears. The fear of the potential loss of my children, the fear of being alone, the fear of “can I support myself when this done – let alone my children”, I must let go of this fear. I must give up the control that every fiber of my being wants to hold on to. Hold on…yes…hold on. Have we really given much thought to the words hold on. I ask myself this. I question holding on. I now realize that true and unconditional love is the ability to let go. Let go in love. Just let go. To my Wife – I have and always will love you. You will realize this one day I pray. You cannot see me – I know. I understand. I understand enough to let you go. GO find your happiness. GO become the women that you believe you should be. GO. I ask one thing….Please do not take my babies…We both made mistakes. We both said and did hurtful things. BUT remember this….TRUE LOVE CONQUERS ALL! Love does not a marriage make. Commitment, patience, understanding, kindness, and communication – these are all the ingredients that make the meal of marriage. We were young and stupid – BUT we had LOVE. I am sorry that you felt I did not love. Actions speak louder than words. MY actions are to let you go. Let you be. No matter what you do…no matter what you say – I my love WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! I may get angry BUT you will never know. My anger is MY issue. I may be sad, I may feel alone on some days….BUT I WILL SURVIVE. I choose to 1) Always love you 2) to be a survivor and NOT a victim and 3) to love myself and my kids the best way I know how.

Right now I sit here on my patio watching my kids in the pool. My oldest and his friends are sliding on the slip and slide that they created using the pool cover. It pains me to think that I may not be able to enjoy this scene. It hurts me. BUT I will survive. I may not be sitting in my patio with them in the future BUT they will always be in my heart. I will survive. The real me is out…the real me. NO mask – what you see is what you get.

I think of the days that we were a family; I think of our family vacation last year, I think what they will think of Dad. Will they understand? How will my little girl (F-it her name is Victoria! – if I get banned for this so be it!) think? How will she feel? I hurt and then I realize that we ALL will survive.

What is right? What is wrong? Do I move on? I am afraid BUT I can say it. I can feel it and I WILL SURVIVE.

Over these past 8 months I have been up…I have been down…I have met some great people who have inspired me, pushed me, and made me better. Thank you all.

My w….I love you…happy anniversary honey….YOU and I are FREE!

I am free to live life….
I am free to be the man I want to be
I am free to grow….
I am free to fail if I so choose to….
I am free…