Exposed finally,,limbo land

[newmama]

for what it's worth, you didn't do permanent damage. You can still do what you planned originally (the post before). It is about being consistent from whatever change you do put into place.

I have to tell you that you shouldn't let her live in the basement while she thinks you will wait for her to come around and she can run hog wild until she decides she has had enough. She will lose respect for you which will cause her to lose desire for you.

You do need to give her the impression (and believe it yourself) that you won't be waiting forever. And now I will back away because you have some vets who are guiding you! I just had to give you my female perspective!

[Allen A]

Opti the one flaw I can see here is the way you are presenting this to her.

You are presenting her choice as

a. choose the affair
b. choose me and our family

You want to present it as

a. choose to rebuild our family
b. choose to destroy our family

This is NOT about her choosing you or OM.. THAT is suicide if you try that route... you will always LOSE...

Affairs DO destroy families... the affair won't last long term.. less than 1% of affair couples last long term.

Her choice isn't choosing OM or an affair, the only long term choices she has are :

a. choose to rebuild our family
b. choose to destroy our family

This is all she will be doing long term... the rest will die out...

As well... why on earth are you WARNING her about what you are doing and sending text messages?

Sorry, but I just find all this emailing and texting people are doing is cowardly... what happened to an old fashioned face to face conversation?

Lastly, if this DOES go to court, you do NOT want your wife dragging those text messages into that courtroom... use your head here...

If you want to confront her in public and make a scene to ruin her fun that's fine... but don't WARN her you are coming to do it...

PS : Don't try to negotiate or argue with an addict... you confront then ACT on her choices... no TALK and certainly no TEXTING

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Amen!!!

[Allen A]

I am all for busting up a rendezvous... but sending her a text message on the WAY to WARN HER?

Everyone needs to stop this instinctive reaction to TALK to their addict spouse before they do something.. its NOT HELPING

Don't talk for compliance.. they are cheating!

You act to show consequence... not threaten... just DO IT.

If your wife sneaks out to meet OM
You meet them and make scene and ruin it

NO talk in there at all... She acts, YOU respond

She will realize you wont' tolerate her crap if you DONT TOLERATE HER CRAP

[Optimust]

Update,
So when I got home she had dinner cooking(never happens) and D2 was watching TV. After I put D2 to bed(D1 still at friends), I asked if she had thought about what we talked about last night(she was drinking last night), said yes, and started crying, I went and held her, and she said ‘I’m sorry’, about not having those feelings for me. Took her to bedroom, where she laid her head on me and cried more. I told her that we needed to be separated, and that if she thought happiness was out there somewhere, she needed to go find it, she said no one make her happy(maybe OM is dropping in popularity). She agreed we need separation, and we are trying to figure out how t do it financially.
Her dad lit her up pretty good when she picked up D2, told her she can’t dump kids on people just to see OM, and hit her hard about money and debt. Basically ‘you better have a plan to get out of debt, and take care of DD’.
Told me this morning that OM had nothing to do with our problems(her mantra) and that she was not going to be going up there to see him, and is stopping the appointments with IC up by him, so as to stay away from that area. Not believing it to much, she still called him last night, and texted him this morning. Time will tell.
We will separate when DD are out of school in 2 weeks. Agreed no funny business with bank account(we’ll see) on basis, whatever the outcome we need to work together to eliminate joint debt. Told her we need to be straight up and honest with each other throughout this whole thing, she agreed(we’ll see). But overall a few very civil conversations.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Told her we need to be straight up and honest with each other throughout this whole thing, she agreed(we’ll see). But overall a few very civil conversations.

Just so you understand clearly, Opti, you are asking an ADDICT here to be HONEST with you.

Not gonna happen.

I'm also concerned that your "you need to go find it" is going to be perceived by her to be permission to have an affair. Better to say "I understand you feel you need space, but no other person can make you truly happy -- INCLUDING ME. That happiness has to come from within, and running away from your problems, and your family, isn't going to solve anything."

I'm glad her dad is putting pressure on her. Continue to be civil with her, but try to watch the "needy/grabby" stuff. Stay strong.

Puppy

[Optimust]

I definitely like the 'running away from your problems and family,,'.
I will use that one soon.

She may only be being civil so as to try to convince me that I should be the one to move out because financially, me living in bro's basement is free compared to her in paying apartment rent, but I kinda see that coming, and will not leave the house.

I don't see many other ways to pressure the affair at this point. I have the name and number to his HR dept person that would handle this, bur I think that might back fire a bit. It is a very ethical medical facility, therefore I think they would talk to him, but then him telling W, might make her guilt closer to him(if that makes sense).

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Is their affair taking place at his workplace?

that would be the only reason I'd recommend exposing to an employer.

Puppy

[Optimust]

Nope - not at his workplace. So no on exposure I guess.

[Optimust]

So it looks like I need to start to incorporate this into the scheme somehow along with LRT and GAL?

"You need to gather all your strength to stop talking about the affair. In fact, it behooves you to stop asking questions about their relationship completely. The mroe you ask, the more your spouse will feel pressured. The more your spouse feels pressured, the more s/he will want to flee. Control yourself."

“You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don’t mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can’t approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have thigns planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse needs to say?

You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don’t tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently.”