I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

If H came home right now would you want him?

Is it time?

No. And no.


That last *fight* last week at my MILs was really the eye opener for me.

I got to look at it through fresh eyes, I got to see what everyone else would have seen, see it how our kids have been looking at it for the past few years.

It was ugly. It was abusive. And two months ago I would have been right there with him, fighting, name calling, swearing, playing dirty. I was just as bad (if not worse) than he was right that moment. Except I got to take a step back and see it with new eyes.

That is not who either of us was, but that's what we had become together.

And I did that. Not all of it, I know that. You can't make someone act like an a$$hat, you can't *make* anyone do anything. But I did enough to make him feel that this is the only way to be heard, and I engaged enough that this is what became our normal.

I want to stand, I want to wait it out while working on me.

But I realized something just today...yes, that's a real but from a real butt.

I've been prolonging this pain, his and mine, for years now. I wanted my M to work, and by God, I was going to hang in there until it did. By wanting so badly to make it work, I made it almost impossible for him to grow. I wouldn't let him become who he needed to be because that might have meant he was going to do it without me. I never saw it like that before, I had always thought it was the right thing to do--fight for someone you love.

"The end of wanting means the end of suffering"

I wanted our M to work, and we were going to suffer until it did.

I tried to take it and fit it into this premade mold and make it something it wasn't. I did it with the best of intentions, but I did it.


I've just now figured out what it means to let go. To let him go because I love him, because I want him to be happy. To let him become who he wants to become, even if that person is my ex-husband.

I've spent more than two years trying to make this choice for him because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was something we both wanted. I don't think that anymore.

The only thing I do want is for him to be happy. The only way he is going to do that is to let him go. Really, truly and completely let him go.

I think to continue to *stand*--or at least my version of it up until now, is still trying to control this.

Continuing to wait for him is still refusing to acknowledge that this might be over. Might be...listen to me. Is over. Like eric says...this M is dead. I have no idea if there is another one for us in the future. I really don't know. I'm not going to keep saying I *want* there to be hope, because I'm still wanting, and still trying to control everything.

I finally get that you can leave the door open for reconciliation without hoping for one. It's open because I can't close it. That's a far cry from keeping the door open, the light on & a big, flashing neon sign that reads, "OPEN".

There is still a bridge because you haven't burned it. That doesn't mean that anyone is actually going to cross it.

I'm not going to keep looking over my shoulder to see if he is coming across the bridge. I'm looking forward, to my life, to my future, to the person I'm becoming.

I'm letting go.