feel like giving up - pt 2

[luvless]

I must update a little because things were actually going ok for me but damn talk about going up then crashing down...oh yeah it's that great rollercoaster ride I'm on huh? well I want off!

You guys would have been proud of me. I went to the graduation yesterday with no reservations or anxiety about seeing former husband. He had text S19 to come sit with him but son didn't want to and responds, "why don't you just come sit over here" and his dad replies, "it's ok I'll be fine." I'm glad because I didn't want him near us.

It was a beautiful ceremony as usual (had one last year too) it's a very nice school. When it was over we all go onto the football field for pictures and I was surprised the ex was standing there with everyone. It was a little awkward at first but I was ok. I was taking pictures with all the family and friends and I wasn't the least bit interested in Mr. Luv. I caught him trying to make eye contact with me as if he wanted to say hello but I wasn't giving it to him. I ignored him the entire time.

I left the kids with him (he was taking them to lunch) and walked away feeling just fine. I went home to finish up some things for daughter's party later that day and was surprised that I wasn't bothered by seeing him and didn't feel sad. Well..maybe just a tiny tiny bit when we couldn't take a family picture anyway....

First let me say he was in vegas last week closing a bank. He takes the kids to lunch and shows them some pics on his iphone (he was raving about jumping off the stratosphere) I was only sorry he didn't hit the ground! so....kids come home and tell me right when they walk in the door "dad showed us some pictures of his friends on his iphone and when we asked who they were he said, my girlfriend and laughed." Right then and there I felt socked in the stomach - not for me but for my kids. How could he do such an insensitive thing? ugh made me sick.

It's not even funny...whether its true or not...it's not something you tell your kids when you haven't seen them in almost a month! When you left their mother and they feel abandoned by you...you tell them..even in fun about a girlfriend? when they are eating???down right disgusting! ugh

So..it gets better. We have the party and its very nice. Later on in the evening my daughter starts crying. I say, "what the heck is wrong?" thinking...today was a lovely day and everything went well and she shouldn't be sad about anything. I find a text to a guy saying she wanted to kill herself. I take her phone and keep it as I'm going to read the texts...she flips out and says fine, "we need to talk."

She proceeds to tell me she is having such a hard time that she feels so abandoned by her dad...that he left her. I said, "no...her name....he left me not you" she replies, "no mom he left US." I had no words - she was right. I still tried to assure her her dad loved her even though he is being very selfish right now. She wasn't buying it and broke down. She told me about what she has been feeling and what the boys have been feeling I knew they were sad but not to this extent. She tells me that her brother(19) often tears up out of nowhere and asks him, "what's wrong?" and he replies, "I can't tell you."

Who said older kids are better off in a divorce - not. I think it's worse. Anyway..she tells me she doesn't want to live and thinks about dying. That she is so heartbroken - told me just like that - that she is so heartbroken and doesn't feel loved by anyone - not her dad - not me - no one and feels alone. I wanted to DIE.
At that moment I literally said what the f*ck have I done to deserve all this sh*t being put on me? It's so much pressure and it's all on me!

The former dad and husband is over there living his life free of responsibility while I'm picking up all the broken pieces!! AND trying to stay above water emotionally. I'm telling you guys I had to suck it up last night listening to her tell me all this stuff. I wanted to cry with her. I was dying inside. I woke up this morning after 3 hours of sleep just miserable. I keep praying for this to stop..I've had enough. I can't take anymore.

Luv