Here is the deal. Sometimes I get offensive toward W as in "Why is she acting like this" and actually hold a grudge and project resentment toward W. I am having trouble detaching in a healthy way. My way of detaching is getting upset with the way she treats me and just say "whatever" tricking myself. When I try any other approach I get attached and allow her words and action affect me to the point I get let down or my feelings get hurt.
While I was gone I read what you all had to say and realized I handled what happened earlier in the wrong manner and allowed my buttons to be pushed. I don't think it was an instance where she was trying to push my buttons, I think I was so upset that she was not going that I was nearly lashing out at her by being a jerk in a way.
When I returned W was still sleeping, she woke up and said her stomach was upset. W then asked who won the game and I said "It was a great game, you would had enjoyed yourself." If I'm not mistaken she may have rolled her eyes.
We then talked about the dog and she went back to sleep...
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Well, if your way of detaching is getting upset and saying "whatever" then you are not detaching in a healthy or proper way.
I don't understand why you wonder why your W is acting like this. I think we all know why. She wants OM and can't have him. Her fantasy has been busted by her job and you. She views you as the obstacle to her happiness. She also sounds highly depressed and in need of some sort of medical assistance for her mental health.
It is not normal for a grown woman to sleep and watch as much tv as your W does. It certainly is not normal for a grown woman to mumble as a form of communication as your W does. It is not normal for a grown woman to need somebody to make her something to eat as much as your W requests. It is not normal for a grown woman to communicate to her H through a dog. It's all beyond bizarre and I type this as a person who (A) does have a chronic and incurable disease but I can get it together better than your W (B) who lived in such a highly depressive state for over a year I thought I would die and (C) who eventually developed a situational clinic panic disorder.
I know you treated your W very bad in the past and that is a shame. But now she is treating you very, very bad and not only is it a shame it is all very premeditated IMO. And that doesn't make her somebody that is confused or lost, no, quite frankly it makes her a very undesirable human being to even read about let alone have to be around in person.
I don't believe in the "fog" and all that BS. Your W knows exactly what she is doing OR she is deeply mentally disturbed (I don't think she is).
Personally, until she decides to communicate with you in ways that don't emulate a deaf mute then I would just leave her be and get on with your life. The more I read about her the more ridiculous and cruel she seems.
how do I break the cycle without being destructive to all my DB efforts? Trust that I hate going through this as much as you all cannot stand reading it. Take this morning for example...
I wake up and W is getting ready for work. W is sitting on the bed beside me...I was unsure but thought I heard rain so I ask "is it raining outside" W continues doing what she is doing and responds "uh huh" then gets up and walks away.
I fall back to sleep but once again wake up just as she is walking out the bedroom to head downstairs. usually I get up to see her out the door and lock the doors behind her. Mainly because she has trouble locking them herself.
I left the window open in the living room and water was splashing through the screen so I was attempting to close the window which was jammed and W asked with an attitude "did you put my keys back in my purse" I said "yes" and maybe had a little excitement in my tone 1. I was trying to close the window and 2. She watched me put the keys in her purse once I returned home last night so as a result she responds "Whats with the attitude"
W then just about to walk out the door and I ask "are you going to need the umbrella?" because I know where it is and I don't think she does but either way she said "huh?" and I repeated myself and she said "no"
Then W started to walk out the door and asked that I close all the door behind her, sure why not and as I was doing so I said "bye" and W gave a soft "bye" in response.
W ran to her car and after she got in I seen her scanning through her iPod, more than likely throwing on her WAS mix.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
W then just about to walk out the door and I ask "are you going to need the umbrella?"
Stop trying to be her servant. I keep reading examples of you doing that in your thread, and it's not working.
She's a grown up, and if she wants to go out in the rain without an umbrella, let her, and if she asks where the umbrella is, then tell her if you happen to know (don't even help look for it unless she asks).
Take all of that energy you are expending on her, and use some of it on yourself. I don't care if it is just something simple like taking your dog for a walk. Get out and do something for you when she is being like this. Give yourself a break from it.
Questions: when was the last time this woman complimented you? Name three things she has said she liked about you.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
usually I get up to see her out the door and lock the doors behind her. Mainly because she has trouble locking them herself.
W then just about to walk out the door and I ask "are you going to need the umbrella?" because I know where it is and I don't think she does but either way she said "huh?" and I repeated myself and she said "no"
Why does she have trouble locking the doors?
And can she not get an umbrella for herself?
This is the kind of supplicating behavior that I think is not only working, it's making things WORSE. If your wife is going to respond to you, she needs to first RESPECT you. These pursuing/placating/supplicating behaviors are KILLING respect, not building it. And since women tie their feelings of love very closely with their feelings of respect, you've got a problem.
OIN, a couple of examples from this morning's exchange of what I'm suggesting:
Originally Posted By: OfficerInNeed
Take this morning for example...
I wake up and W is getting ready for work. W is sitting on the bed beside me...I was unsure but thought I heard rain so I ask "is it raining outside" W continues doing what she is doing and responds "uh huh" then gets up and walks away.
Try doing this as a STATEMENT, and not a question. "Sounds like it's raining outside; I needed to mow the lawn today" or "I didn't know they were calling for rain today," or whatever. You ask your wife SO many questions, trying to elicit positive exchanges with her, and I think they just annoy her and her mumbling responses only leave you frustrated.
Quote:
I fall back to sleep but once again wake up just as she is walking out the bedroom to head downstairs. usually I get up to see her out the door and lock the doors behind her. Mainly because she has trouble locking them herself.
Let her see herself out if you're tired. If you're already up, then fine, but don't follow after her like a servant. When you get up, check the doors. If they need to be locked, then lock them -- no big deal. LET HER DO MORE FOR HERSELF.
Quote:
I left the window open in the living room and water was splashing through the screen so I was attempting to close the window which was jammed and W asked with an attitude "did you put my keys back in my purse"
A: "Yes, I did, but you don't need to be snotty about it." If she persists with the snotty tone, refuse to engage with her and leave the room.
Quote:
W then just about to walk out the door and I ask "are you going to need the umbrella?" because I know where it is and I don't think she does but either way she said "huh?" and I repeated myself and she said "no"
See above.
Quote:
Then W started to walk out the door and asked that I close all the door behind her, sure why not and as I was doing so I said "bye" and W gave a soft "bye" in response.
Not bad. Maybe say something like "Yeah, don't worry, I'll get that in a minute," and try not to literally follow after her to do it.
Quote:
W ran to her car and after she got in I seen her scanning through her iPod, more than likely throwing on her WAS mix.
Why are you driving yourself nuts observing her every little action? This comes SCREAMING THRU in all of your posts, and if we notice it, I guaran-damn-tee you your wife notices it and feels like you're smothering her, judging her, and watching her every little move constantly. After you said goodbye, let her go to her car unobserved, and try not to read something negative ("more than likely throwing on her WAS mix") into everything she does when you DO observe it.
As TH says above, OIN, you need to stop obsessing over your wife and do some things for YOU. You're driving yourself crazy here, and only annoying her in the process.
