I know this is long - but bear with me! I have been using this site as a daily support as I try to figure out what has happened to my life. My H and I will have been married 25 years in September. We have been together since we were 19 years old / so we’ve actually been together – almost inseparable – for 28 years. He was a high school and college star athlete. We married immediately after college and had our first child a year later. We have 3 children, ages 23, 20, and 16. The oldest two (Ds) are out of the house and on their own. The youngest, our S, is at home. Trouble began about 7 years ago. H turned 40 – and left coaching high school sports. Our kids were just in their teens or pre-teens and were each involved in highly competitive, time-consuming, and expensive activities. H and I both work in the same field – but for different employers. I have had great advancement opportunities and have taken advantage of the salary increases in order to help the family. I have ALWAYS been a “family first” person and the running joke is that when I grow up I want to be a “stay at home wife and mother.” About 7 years ago, I found a stash of pornography. It really threw me for a while – but we made it through that time. About 2 or 3 years later, I discovered my husband on phone chat lines engaging in phone sex. We entered into counseling at which time I discovered that he had engaged in a one-time physical encounter. We went deep into counseling and I had to take an honest look at my own contributions to the demise of the marriage. We continued to work in counseling and then it was recommended that H continue in individual therapy. We continued to have ups and downs during this time – some really rough – however I attributed it to the tough road healing from infidelity. I actually felt good about the work we had been doing – and the changes that I had made being much more aware of communicating with my H and collaborating on decision-making. I had talked to him about using 2010 as a year to “turn the page” and write a new story for our marriage. Our youngest was driving and was more independent and it seemed like a good opportunity for us to develop a shared vision for the next phase of our lives. It was refreshing to see that as we talked about all aspects of our lives – we had very similar goals, objectives, etc. As we started to implement some strategies for this new vision – we found ourselves at odds. I couldn’t figure out why. Then, on January 25th – over dinner – my husband admits to me that he has never been “all in” to the marriage. I just looked at him – a little shocked – but also a little relieved that there was some honest dialogue going on. That maybe I wasn’t crazy and that there was a “reason” things weren’t working. He talked about us separating and I said I couldn’t fight him. Through that week, we were calm and cordial – but also thinking towards a split. On January 31st, I was looking at the financial impact of a separation and became overwhelmed and tearful. He then stated that once I heard more of what he had to say, I wouldn’t be so sad. At this point he discloses three years worth of “hook ups” with chat room “friends” who would do anything for money. He shared that he had 40+ encounters of ALL kinds (too humiliating to mention) and that he had actually been moved to psychotherapy because his counselor felt that H’s behavior had moved to an addiction level. He had been in therapy for this for almost a year and I had no idea! To say I was numb with shock would be an understatement! I was raised in “dysfunction junction” and thought that I had married so far out of that realm and that we had created a life that was so far removed from addictions and mental illness. Boy was I wrong! I always believed that infidelity would be a deal breaker – however I learned over the past 3 years that everyone has to examine their own values and beliefs and my core beliefs included a commitment to my marital vows. So I swallowed my pride and told him that I felt like his disclosure was like pulling the plug on a cesspool. That when the pool is drained there is still s_ _ t left in the pool – we could either walk away and leave the cesspool as the legacy of our marriage or we could stay and clean up as much as we could. We began to clean it up and he went heavy into therapy and dealing with his issues. I also went back to counseling to look at codependency issues and my “fix-it” needs. I had moments when I would break down and at times, I’ll admit, I was inconsolable – but I felt good about my decision to stay and work through it. On April 20th, H and I were at dinner and I asked him if he felt “stifled” by the work. He quickly said “yes and I have doubts.” Well this took me by surprise and I became emotional. He said he was having insecurities on why it was so hard for him to be honest and he wondered (as I have asked him in the past) – if he just thought I wasn’t what he wanted. On April 21st – he awoke and said he was “DONE”. He went to his counselor the next day and came home saying “sorry – I love you as a friend / but I’ve never really loved you the way a husband should love a wife.” He said he had never been happy and that it was going to be “his” turn. He has shown ZERO affection, care or concern since. He works late every night and has had several exit plans – but somehow his concern for the kids or money – whatever has stopped him. He has made it clear that in NO WAY has his delays had anything to do with a change in feelings towards me. We fake it in front of our son – but it is mostly silence when it’s just us. He said that he wants to live his life at a “9 or 10” and with me the best he can get is a “5 or 6”. With all of this going on – for weeks before this break down I received cards and texts that said how I was the love of his life and how much he loved me and was thankful that we were together. Initially, I did all the wrong things – cry, beg, etc. To him, there is never enough money – nothing is every good enough! My wardrobe exists of Target and WalMart – I am not a high maintenance person at all. However I think I have become the complete personification of ALL of his unhappiness. His high school and college days were the highlights of his life and mine have been my married life. We are disconnected – but I have been willing to create something new. Thankfully I found Michelle’s books and this site and began working towards GAL. My H has little to no friends outside of me – he comes from a family with really limited social skills – and he says that there is no one in particular he wants to be with right now but he wants to be “liberated” to possibly pursue another woman who might be a better match for him. I got to tell you that at 47 – I may not have the greatest body ( I have lost quite a bit of weight but have about 20 to go) – but I am regarded as fun, kind, witty and generous. I make a great living – and have the most potential for a “9 or 10” kind of life than anyone I know. I also love my H more than anything and would do anything to save my marriage. I am also smart enough to know that all of this comes down to his choice. So, I have been laying low – engaging in NO negative interactions – limiting communication to essential kid stuff. I am really having a hard time with the GAL portion. I’ve always envisioned my life as a wife/mother. That’s what I love! I am sorry for the length – but I need help! Does this sound like MLC? With a lot of alone time now – what do I do to GAL? I am so heartbroken with EVERYTHING – the infidelity, the MLC. Our MC thinks my H is off the deep end – but also recognizes that there’s not much that can be done. Thanks for listening and any advice!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Hi sweetie, so sorry for the reason you are here, but you are in a good place.
Just some quick tips: The weekends are very quiet. Stick to one thread so we can keep up with your situation. Post to others so we get to know you.
Most of us here have heard some variation of the things your h has said to you. I am not an expert, but many of them sound like MLC.
You've done some very good things already. I know what you mean about the GAL. My family was my whole life. But, you know what, that's not really healthy. In order for us to be complete, we need to find what makes us happy and that can't come from other people.
So, right now the focus needs to be on you and your son. Try to think of some things you always wanted to try, maybe join a club, check out the library - they have different groups. Or you mentioned having a few more pounds you want to lose. Start walking or join a gym.
It's time to do some soul searching, too. Figure out the things about yourself that you want to change. Then go abut trying to change them. The changes have to be for you though, otherwise they won't stick.
Others will be along to give you some insight and get you started on some reading.
Remember, you are not alone. We are here for you.
Keep doing what you're doing. No relationship talks, work on you.
It's all a process.One step at a time. There are no quick fixes, but, if you walk the journey, you will come out stronger on the other side.
I am SO grateful for your response! It gives me such comfort to put the words/story out there and have some other perspectives! Thank you so much! I can take some tough love! Thanks again!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Sorry that you find yourself here, but as you can already tell, you will encounter some wonderful people…
Hey Brooky
Anyway, like Brooklyn said, the weekends are slow around here…
Take some time, now, to delve into the resource threads. Just look on the first page of just about any of these threads and find the first post from Old Pilot. It contains a list of very useful links and a great jumping off point. He is MIA right now, but I am sure he will be along soon to add them to your thread.
This is a very long and hard road, MLC land, and there are no guarantees…
Except one…
If you choose to take this journey, you will never regret it…
Welcome to the best worst place to be in this situation…
Keep posting and others will be along soon as well…
We all walk this road, together but alone…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
As far as what stage he is in. If the OW is still present he is in Replay.
But lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself. ____________________
Irish, I'm very sorry you are here, but you are among people who will become your cyber family as you travel the road to finding yourself once again.
Your h appears to have quite a number of unresolved issues that may have been suppressed over the years. He's said some things that could be MLC related, but the addiction is something that I would be concerned with. Have you been checked out by a doctor? If he's been out there experimenting w/others, you do not want any gifts that keep on giving. Please take care of yourself first and then your child that is still living at home.
Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to change his mind at this point. If he's done, as he says he is, his journey will be a tough one. He's definitely using all of the normal excuses to stay in the home and yet, he's not doing anything to work w/you on the relationship. You are going to have to drop the rope, have faith in God, and allow your h to have his freedom to explore. You will need to change the way that you view him for now and treat him as a roommate and nothing more. If this is MLC, you should begin to see some spending, changing of appearance, etc. happening if not now...soon.
You will need to protect yourself and your financial assets. If you have joint accounts, start separating them...credit cards, remove his name or yours from the joint accounts. You do not want to be accountable for his debt. You will need to take care of yourself, i.e., plenty of sleep, eating right, exercising, etc. It's very important that you do this.
Come here whenever you feel the need to post. There is always someone here to listen.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Again, I am so appreciative of your perspectives and experiences. I am so frightened - not only for myself and my family - but oddly enough for H as well. He is not very social a lot of time and through this entire journey he has not shared a hint of trouble with anyone. He is closest with his brother and I know BIL doesn't have a clue. The outside world will be blown away by his departure because we seem to be a great couple - we have always been best friends, very compatible, happy kids etc. I do not have family here where we live - so I know that I may need to get on the road for a while and make visits to reconnect with people who care about me.
Snodderly - your pragmatic advice is dead on! I have begun taking many of those steps. The doctor's appointment was humiliating to say the least - but she was kind and wonderful!
OP - I have "lurked" at your replies to newbies on the board before and have read several of the resources - but am anxious and grateful to have more!
Thanks so much!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You have every reason to be frightened for yourself and your family, but you have nothing to fear but fear itself. You will need to dig deep and keep your head about you because you will have to be the adult in this mess for a long time to come.
As for your h, I wouldn't be the least bit frightened for him. God will watch over him and yes, he may not have been social for a lot of the time, but that will most likely change while he is on his fact finding mission. They tend to become the opposite of what they were (mirror image). So, do not worry about him as much as you would your family.
The person in crisis tends to keep things well hidden until the lid is blown off. If someone should inquire about things, you can be brief, but honest. Do not cover for him. He will need to face the consequences of his actions.
Yes, it's time to hit the road and reconnect w/family and friends that you have not been in contact w/over the years. It's time to look out for you and muster up all of the support you can. Select one or two very good friends to talk to and that you can trust. You will need them periodically for a sounding board.
Fasten your seat belt...this is a very long and bumpy ride.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Stablizing you first and that comes from the detachment process.
This is very HARD to do but must be done.
It allows you to begin your journey.
Keep in mind and don't get confused detachment doesn't mean you don't love them or that you are abandoning them it means you are creating a healthy environment for YOU to heal.
Whether you stand for your M is your choice.
I have just posted on my thread something on that very subject.
It may be hard for you to imagine this happening as a blessing but if you do this work that is the only thing I will bet the farm on for you...
That you will be in a much better place.
Welcome.
p.s. Hi Cat and Brook!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
