Some one or few people have told me that the devil will always try to make my life difficult for me and try to make me go against the will of God. I believe in God, but sometimes wonder if the devil really exists.
Last night, my h and I had some breakthroughs in our love life. It was truly wonderful. We went to dinner with another couple then decided to go home to be romantic. Before going home from work, I had decided that I was going to put on my acting as if hat and be cheerful, confident, sexy, and independent. Well, I must have done a good job!
However, I took notice of some of my feelings as we were being intimate. Mind you, it wasn't just about sex, but love. I found that I couldn't shut my brain off and just ENJOY the time together. And tears came to my eyes as I know that I cannot just open up my heart and completely love T. He totally deserves to be loved and I want to love him completely and unconditionally, but I am scared. Scared, scared, scared. As you know, I maintain this wall of scrutiny, conditions, and sometimes downright hostility.
I don't know what would happen if I would completely open myself up. I think during September and October I did experience some of it. I did feel love. I did feel openness. I did really appreciate him. But, I know I can turn my OWN world upside down with a change of my OWN attitude. It's all in how I see things. How I see him.
I know that this has to do with my past and how my parents treated me. My father was verbally abusive and I never felt good enough. One day x would please him, the next day it wouldn't so I was always second guessing myself. My mother was always insecure and jealous and felt threatened by other women. Then, as I became an adult, I felt that she was jealous of me, so I felt guilty for being who I am!
I have spoken to many therapists about this. They have all told me that I need to feel better about myself, but haven't really told me how to. I would love to have an SBT!! If anyone has tips, please share!!
It will be 4 years next month that I have been with T and I have been promising him all along that I would stop being afraid and I don't feel like I have kept my promise. He sure has been patient!!! And I continue to think in my head that he is not doing what I "need" him to do FOR ME! I feel so selfish sometimes. I feel like I have this whole R thing so messed up! And yet, he is still with me. He married me at exactly 1 1/2 years after dating. He wanted ME. And I continue to doubt his love for me.
I am jealous of him because he takes care of himself and has many friends that he does things with. He has been a pillar of strength, not taking my accusations, and not letting me treat him badly. I have the utmost respect for him. He is a great man. I just wish I could believe that he won't hurt me. ...Or if he does, that I will be able to handle it.
