Talking to LO made me think of this today, so I'd thought I'd share it:
A Standers Affirmation
I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE!... I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!
I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldy, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!
In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit.. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusted God for all the outcome.
I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.
Some one or few people have told me that the devil will always try to make my life difficult for me and try to make me go against the will of God. I believe in God, but sometimes wonder if the devil really exists.
Last night, my h and I had some breakthroughs in our love life. It was truly wonderful. We went to dinner with another couple then decided to go home to be romantic. Before going home from work, I had decided that I was going to put on my acting as if hat and be cheerful, confident, sexy, and independent. Well, I must have done a good job!
However, I took notice of some of my feelings as we were being intimate. Mind you, it wasn't just about sex, but love. I found that I couldn't shut my brain off and just ENJOY the time together. And tears came to my eyes as I know that I cannot just open up my heart and completely love T. He totally deserves to be loved and I want to love him completely and unconditionally, but I am scared. Scared, scared, scared. As you know, I maintain this wall of scrutiny, conditions, and sometimes downright hostility.
I don't know what would happen if I would completely open myself up. I think during September and October I did experience some of it. I did feel love. I did feel openness. I did really appreciate him. But, I know I can turn my OWN world upside down with a change of my OWN attitude. It's all in how I see things. How I see him.
I know that this has to do with my past and how my parents treated me. My father was verbally abusive and I never felt good enough. One day x would please him, the next day it wouldn't so I was always second guessing myself. My mother was always insecure and jealous and felt threatened by other women. Then, as I became an adult, I felt that she was jealous of me, so I felt guilty for being who I am!
I have spoken to many therapists about this. They have all told me that I need to feel better about myself, but haven't really told me how to. I would love to have an SBT!! If anyone has tips, please share!!
It will be 4 years next month that I have been with T and I have been promising him all along that I would stop being afraid and I don't feel like I have kept my promise. He sure has been patient!!! And I continue to think in my head that he is not doing what I "need" him to do FOR ME! I feel so selfish sometimes. I feel like I have this whole R thing so messed up! And yet, he is still with me. He married me at exactly 1 1/2 years after dating. He wanted ME. And I continue to doubt his love for me.
I am jealous of him because he takes care of himself and has many friends that he does things with. He has been a pillar of strength, not taking my accusations, and not letting me treat him badly. I have the utmost respect for him. He is a great man. I just wish I could believe that he won't hurt me. ...Or if he does, that I will be able to handle it.
It sounds like there is a lot going on, much of it positive!
Quote: He totally deserves to be loved and I want to love him completely and unconditionally, but I am scared. Scared, scared, scared. As you know, I maintain this wall of scrutiny, conditions, and sometimes downright hostility.
I sometimes like to think of it like this. I am behind the wall and just telling myself that it is better back here. Safe and warm. But the reality is I have no idea what is going on on the other side of the wall. And even though I'm back here, guess what? I still get hurt. The wall didn't protect me from anything, just made it so I couldn't see it coming. If I step outside of the wall at least I can see anything that might come up and have the opportunity to be strong and brave.
You know, it really feels GOOD to be on the other side of the WALL!! There truly is LOVE over there!!
Rest of the weekend was really good. I just adored my h, and you know, he just continues to love me back!
He asked about plans for this week. His Wed. friend asked him to go out this Wed., but I had wanted to go out with him Wed. too. He didn't want me to resent him for going out w/the guys and I didn't want him to resent me for wanting him to go out with me. So, I did tell him that I would like him to go out with me and suggested that his other couple of guy friends go too. We used to go out in a group but I caused scenes and they told h they felt uncomfortable around me. I'm hoping that I can show them that things have changed and that we can all go out and have fun again!
It sounds like things are going so well for you. I am so happy. It is good that you have realized that your past behavior has been because you are afraid of being hurt. I'm beginning to see that that is just a chance we take to live our lives.
I hope that all goes well on Wed. night and that you do have the opportunity to show H's friends that you have changed. Obviously this man truly loves you and has waited for you to work past all of this. Keep up the good work.
Oh, and about the God and devil thing...I personally believe that satan attacks our marriages anyway that he can because marriage is an institution that is ordained by God. So satan hates to see happily married people. Keep up the good work and when things start to seem like they are getting out of control again, tell satan to lay off because God has given you a wonderful H and you are not going to let the devil ruin it for you!!
Sorry I can't answer your question, Karen. I have taken ADs before, but I don't remember having any symptoms like that. I hope that you are feeling okay.
How are things with H? You have been doing such a good job Try not to let any physical problems hinder your progress.
What are your TG plans? Hope you have a good one. Take care of yourself and feel better.
Well, things are ok. I'm freaking out a bit. As you may have noticed the pattern-things have been great. The weekend was awesome! I opened my heart and have truly been adoring him. Then Tuesday comes, and here come the irrational thoughts. Now I'm afraid that he'll get sick of being around me since we've been together every eve. since last Thurs. and we don't have plans to go out separately until Sat.
Well, last night I asked him about tonight. He didn't seem very enthused. So I ask him if he is having second thoughts or reservations. He says no. Then I say that he doesn't seem very interested. Then he says that we haven't had very good luck in those situations before. (Us going out to nightclubs w/his 2 guy friends.) So, I say that I want a chance to prove that I can handle it & that I want to hang out with his friends again, etc. He says
why can't we have separate activities?
why do I care so much about going to nightclubs w/him?
his one friend wants NOTHING to do w/me anymore (the other we bike ride and have dinner w/ is ok w/me but has expressed some discomfort with the jealousy)
We quit talking about it. He said he felt frustrated with me for making it a bigger deal than it was. Yes, I should have shut up. I KNOW he has reservations. We could have just gone out and I would have SHOWN him & friend that we could have a good time.
He seems to be ok. This morn. as I got ready, he came into my room to chit chat. I didn't bring it up again. I wanted to apologize. I was really exhausted yesterday-didn't sleep well the night before and work is kicking my butt, and mr. monthly is here. (yippee)
I still feel yucky tho. My feelings (ego) is hurt that his friend doesnt' want to be around me. I want to be able to just "hang" w/h and his friends like we did when we were dating. (well, I'm really not missing much). I'm still hung up on h getting dressed up to go out w/his friends. I feel so weird. What is wrong with me??
gotta go. sorry this is all over the place.. karen.
Oh, tomorrow we are going to his aunt's at 4, and then my mom's at 6:30 or so (half hour away-all in the same area). I don't know what we are going to do all day. We don't have to cook anything unless I decide to bake a cheesecake. Any suggestions?
