still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

Thanks CG for posting again! You are probably only 500% off base. And I want you to realize that if I argue or debate with you, it is NOT with the intent of nastiness or because I am offended! I just want to explore the pros and cons of every move, you know? Oh and I do wish to explain some of my behavior that you refer to!

You are the primary caretaker of your son. That is what your H has chosen. Sort of-by law in my county, the mother is until a certain age unless she is deemed unfit.

Therefore your H's visiting hours should end earlier so you CAN pick him up in a parking lot at a reasonable hour.

True. my original intent was to be able for WH to see S longer, since I am a SAHM right now. I see him a lot, but I truly was thinking it would be easy to make S' bedtime later since people mess with their baby's schedule all the time to accommodate for working and daycare. Now that it has been 5 weeks of this, it is clear that his bedtime schedule is not changing- and I didn't "see" that until WN pointed it out. (Thank you WN!) Just wanted to explain my rationale.

If there is no other way to handle it then your H should not be allowed to come in, chat and linger at all.

I do wonder about decency of me letting him use the bathroom (I was not kidding about his prostate). And what about needing to update each other about S? It is actually required legally in the parenting plan and other docs from our county that we must share information with the other parent. I need to look up the wording!

If your H is unhappy about having less time with his son or having to bring him back earlier, well, tough. This is what your H as chosen. You are correct!!!!

As your son grows up his needs will change (bedtime, social time, school time and so on) and that means the time your H gets with your son will change too.

Yep, all laid out in the parenting plan when I return to work.

IMO that tone should have been set a long time ago.

I wanted my WH to bond with S and vice versa. So I thought that in order for that to happen, he would need to see him all of the time. (this was a legitimate fear of mine since my dad abandoned me as a child )

I also thought that the more that WH spent over here, the more he would see my changes. I ended up becoming the Taker in our marriage so I had a lot of work to do. When you have like 10 or more improvements to make, it takes a looooong time to tackle that list!


Also, I didn't want my S to bond with OW! Oh and I really liked the idea that if WH was over here, he wasn't with OW and that OW probably didn't like the idea of WH spending time with me and his son.

You know something? Whenever I have to explain that to someone (which I do a LOT), it always makes me feel proud afterward! Like I DID know what I was doing! People are good at trying to make me doubt my decision to try and save my marriage- they think because WH cheated then there is no hope and he is scum.

In the parenting plan, it said S can have 1 overnight per week starting at 6 months of age. So I was following the parenting plan.

You are a single woman/single mom and that is not by choice yet you are accommodating your H way too much.

What have you put in place about your son spending time with the OW?
I looked into this legally and there is nothing to stop OW from getting to see S unless I had some kind of evidence that she was a harmful threat to S...like if she was abusive, or a drug addict or something like that. Again, one of the reasons why I let WH see S at the house was so that OW wouldn't get to see S!

While this is painful for me to type I have to say I agree that your H, at this time, has no intention of returning to you. Like many other WAS it seems he is doing all he can do to be easy and agreeable so you will eventually "get on board" with a divorce.

Hey, from 4/28-5/15 I would have agreed with you! I realize you haven't been able to follow my thread the whole time. But I did finally stop fighting WH on divorce when he brought it up on 4/28. In my book, that is me "getting on board" with the divorce. I won't repeat everything else but there was nothing in WH's way to just give me the papers!

I just read Mr.Lost telling a poster whose H has been separated from her for 2 years that

Men typically see things as a sort of "seek and destroy" mission. We try to see the end game and work towards that. If your husband decided that divorce was the inevitable end, he would have gotten one. The fact that he has chosen to live life separate, but has not asked for divorce says to me that he doesn't know how to fix the marriage, but isn't quite ready for the divorce.

I would start making things a little less predictable with your H as far as your son goes. Perhaps then your H will get a good idea of how OW will be once she gets a full taste of what dating a single date with an exW is like.

Ok will this is what I have seen other exWs act like (like when I dated a couple of men with exWs) but it is not in my character and I don't NEED my WH if he doesn't want to be my H so I won't be relying on him for these:

1) they called for money
2) they changed the schedule at last minute or picked up/dropped off the kids late
3) they called just to talk about the kids for some reason
4) they asked for favors with the house (like help getting things fixed)

when I say this is out of my character, I mean that I saw this as naggy, manipulative behavior....OW's character for sure! I do not wish to compete with those kinds of behaviors. If he wants a woman like that, fine,he doesn't want me!

What I have done is contacted WH about pertinent issues only. Made arrangements about a week ahead minimum to change the schedule. Changed visitation to take place not at my house so I assume it is aat OW's house where she also has a 3.5 year old (he is shacking up with her but hasn't changed his address yet). Golly can't think of anything else.

What your H fell in love with (with you I mean) may not be attractive or appealing to him anymore.

Yeah, I know this, which is another reason why I am willing to divorce him if he doesn't want to R. If he wants OW, then he wants a Jerry Springer woman.

The way I have been acting, in your words you describe as "meek and fearful," (lol! because I am a woman who gets what she wants in life! I just don't like yelling and screaming and arguing with people!) was intentional. Classy, not trashy. I do not ever enjoy or want to have huge conflicts with dramatic button pushing like "making him jealous" or "throwing his stuff on the lawn" etc.

IMO you are afraid to really explore that part of yourself because it may not be the kind of W your H wants.

No, I am being the woman I want to be. I never made changes that I didn't want for myself. You may not have kept up with all the changes I have made since Oct 2009 but none have to do with character; just hobbies and overcoming some fears.

Like took different classes, learned to swim, learned to cook, joined meetup groups, done yard and house improvements, learned (more) about what it takes to make relationships work, and I know I am missing something. You see I already "know" what kind of woman I am! and I "know" what kind I am not.

All of this "meek and fearful" work that I have done was because I truly believed WH would have ended the A long ago. And when he dropped discussion of divorce for 5 months after I started MORE of the "meek and fearful" work, I figured it showed he was having doubts about Ding and my efforts were paying off. In March, I was sincerely shocked that he brought it up again!

I finally came to the conclusion (well since March 2010) that it is possible that my WH was not who I thought he was and he wants a Jerry Springer trashy ho to play around with, go out in public with, and help raise his son. Slutty women don't necessarily harm kids...and I do trust the fathering instinct in my WH enough to realize that if OW did anything to jeopardize S' well being, he would protect S, but rest assured, I would have no qualms calling the police.

Oh but because she is a drama-pot stirring-trashy Jerry Springer Ho, I COMPLETELY expect her to freak out on WH since he has told me he wanted to D me 2x since March and hasn't taken action on the few hours of paperwork required.


Ok...thanks for the tough questions and comments to help me see things from another angle! I hope we are all caught up now and maybe you might have learned some things about me that you didn't know before!