2 weeks left to DB

[newmama]

piano- I might know what you are talking about re: the loo...I think things improved by 3-4 weeks for me so I hope the same applies to you!

S had the milk rash also and it bugged me so much! But it was gone by the time he was 8 weeks...and also, his face totally changed from his squishy newborn face to his current face around 6-8 weeks! I don't know if that makes sense...but what I am saying is that by the time he was 2 months old, his facial features became permanent and now he is a larger version of his 2 month old face!

just sharing. Let us know about the hip displasia- I heard that if babies are born with it, treatment in the first few months is highly successful.

[Piano]

okay so rather big boo-boo happening with WH.

Comes over yesterday for a few hours in the evening. We bathe child, change her- all going well, I am being nice and friendly. Then he starts up the 'talk' again. So I say, "listen, I want you to know, I may be being friendly and civil to you, but I strongly dissaprove of everything you are doing in your life'. He nods. Then he says, "I am grateful for how welcoming you have been to me, and for calling me to the hospital when she was born. It was very big of you'. Okay..fine. Then deteriorates (can't remember how - not important).

What he goes on to tell me:
WH came back to the country 6 months ago to tell me about the A and his wishes to move on.
WH came back to "build the foundations for a future" - not a future with ME. But a future with his child, which would have to go VIA me.
That he wants 'to live a life without me' or 'wants me out of his life', something like that.


Nice.

I have decided to put my wishes/cards on the table for him. I am not trying to save my M anymore, girls. I am trying to save my respect for him.

I have told him up until now it's all been about HIM. That now I need him to give and concede on some things at least if he wants that 'foundation' to work. I need someone/something to negotiate with, not just agree to his terms. It's been only HIS terms for 9 months.

So my wish list:

+ I would like him to comit to staying here for an initial period of time (6months?) to bond with his baby, and to support/assist me where possible in parenting, and demonstrate his comitment to being in her life.

+ some sort of separation therapy/forum in which we can process/manage the dysfunction/dissolution of our M.

+ want him to support my citizenship application which will require us drawing up our own financial support contract rather than going through govt agencies who are not to know of the separation.

+ I want our apartment.

Just sharing....

I know that when WAS is in full walk-away mode you can't ask for anything. But stuff it, there's a newborn child involved. And I reckon you need a slightly altered set of DBing rules when that's involved.

[gatsby11]

Hey P.

Things seemed to start well. He responds to the 'friendly' stuff, which is frustrating and annoying. (Like in my sitch.) I like your sentence about being friendly but not supporting his decisions. I don't think you need to say it again. I wish I would have said it this past time with my WH!

What he goes on to tell me:
WH came back to the country 6 months ago to tell me about the A and his wishes to move on.
WH came back to "build the foundations for a future" - not a future with ME. But a future with his child, which would have to go VIA me.
That he wants 'to live a life without me' or 'wants me out of his life', something like that.

Sigh.

My WH says "I don't want you as a wife; let's just be friends." Your WH seems to be saying that he doesn't want you in his life at ALL! That is sooo crazy. It makes NO sense to marry someone and spend 12 years together, get pregnant, and then want nothing to do with them. Your WH is really off the deep end. This may not be what you want to hear, but to me that gives me more hope for your sitch.

The first two points on your wish list are just that--wishes. I think it'd be great if he agreed to them, but he might not.

I think the last two should be on a "must" list. I don't think you should take no for an answer! Also, in splitting your assets, at least in the US, YOU get the bulk of the stuff because you're the LBS with the child. I don't know if you guys have joint furniture here or what, but I'm assuming that's what you want to keep when you say 'apartment.'

Keep us updated. . . and grandpere still hasn't written back?

[newmama]

Piano just wondering- did you share that wish list with him or are you running it by us on here? Because they all look PERFECTLY reasonable to me! But I agree with Gatsby that the last 2 should be non negotiable. ANd the first one just looks so smart and makes sense. It SHOULD be non negotiable but yeah, he probably won't agree to it. WHy not ask though, right?

[Babydoll]

Ummm... Something is truly wrong with him!!! How do you go from wanting to have a family with someone to not wanting them in your life at all! WTF!!!

Sounds like he has some serious issues he needs to work out! He is running away from something... Not just you, but his own self-conflicting issues! And none of this honey is because of you! He is going through his own personal mess, none of which is b/c of you. Let him go on his journey. Does he truly yhink he is going to be happy!!!!! What is going through his head!!!

I agree with NM and Gatsby... Make your points non negotiable! And take the control back into your hands! And yes! Start making every day from now on about you and your angel baby and forget him for now.

[Piano]

Hi!
I shared the list with him (on email). Told him it was all informal, just a way of starting to get some ideas on the table. Very glad you all think they are reasonable and pointing out which ones to not to be flexible with. I agree NM that # 1 is the one he won't be able to do.

Did I also mention the friends he is staying with have had a talk with him and they've mutually agreed he's to move on? They were keeping him there until the birth... Now he's going to live 1.5hrs out of town with this couple's father (he went once before). I told him he could live in the apartment for a month or two and I would continue to stay with my mum - was even willing to clear my clothes out. He flatly refused, said it's 'my space'. I said, it's a neutral space, your brother is living there, your mother is about to come..you could all live there. TOTALLY NOT INTERESTED. I said 'I'm not trying to trap you; I'm trying to come up with sensible financially-responsible housing situations'. Didn't budge. Probably doesn't want a reminder of our past, and doesn't want to be disloayal to other woman.
So WH is off the countryside - so convenient for being free and going somewhere where noone is going to tell him what to do. And he can conduct his affair happily from there also.

[Piano]

G, For better or worse, this country doesn't have 'fault' laws, but the courts would say that the interests of the child come first and therefore as her main carer I would deserve 60-65% of the assets. Not more. So I would need WH to agree out of court to give me the flat outright. I wouldn't even contemplate such a request if there wasn't a newborn involved. If he says no, we will have to see as I cannot buy him out (and can barely cover the mortgage, anyway). The housing market here is one of the most expensive in the world (when earning capacity is taken into consideration) and I'd have real trouble getting back into it.

I think when he says he wants me out of his life, he means he wants to be friends (that would be the ultimate), but have me at a safe enough distance (emotionally and physically) so that I never get the impression I might 'get him back' again.

[gatsby11]

Hey P,

I see--I think he'll give you the flat. He's already referring to it as your space! I think when you write up your agreement, if you just start with that confidently ("Piano will have full ownership over the flat at X street etc), I think he'll agree!

but have me at a safe enough distance (emotionally and physically)

Ha, that's what you want from him, too. No difference, except not the friend part. It's good that he's 1.5 hours away. He has bonded with the baby, it seems. He will make the drive out (or ask you to meet at a middle point maybe) but you will be safely away from HIM most of the time!!

[newmama]

Piano I think you shouldn't offer to meet him in the middle since he turned down the flat and wants to stay 1.5 hours away!
Your baby might scream her head off in a 45 minute drive anyway (although supposedly most babies like the car!)

I bet he will make the drive out! And I agree that he most likely will give you the flat-he sees it as YOURS!

[gatsby11]

Piano I think you shouldn't offer to meet him in the middle

Yeah I agree. I shouldn't have even thought of it, ha!