I think you're absolutely right to insist on no trip to other country . . . RIGHT NOW. If she does have those childhood connections to it, tho, I think you're going to have to tell her that there will come a time again when you feel comfortable going WITH her there, but there are just too many triggers there for you right now. I don't think you have a right to say "never, and not alone, but i won't go with you," though.
That feels ok to me.
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I think you're absolutely right that she get rid of her affair momentos -- Affair-Busting/Reconcilation 101 stuff, that. She may fight you on that, tho -- HARD. See Hope4Us's old posts on that; it took his wife nearly a YEAR, I think, including MONTHS even after they were going really good like you and your wife are right now (even better).
I went and found Hope4Us's piecing thread. Strange reading it, as I remember reading some of it while it was happening, and I was in the worst of my sitch. Their sitch is about a year ahead of mine. In my sitch, I think I avoided some of what Hope4Us had to endure because my W did some of her healing while I was totally withdrawn from her and employing a NC approach, which helped me so much. My W seems to be in a place similar to where Hope4Us's W was several months after her A ended. I haven't picked up on any significant mood swings. Every time I see her or interact with her she seems fine. That was definitely NOT the case last year, or even earlier this year. I am becoming more and more a proponent of the no contact approach.
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If OM's $$$ wasn't a loan, but just on trips to see him, I think you should let that sleeping dog lie. Having her pay him back only keeps her entangled with him, financially and emotionally. Chalk it off!
Yeah, I guess you're right. I think I just want OM to get a no contact letter with a big fat check in it, effectively saying to him "Our R is over, for good. I can't change the past, but I can give you back your money." Even if I should chalk it off, this would help me put it behind me. I know I have to pick my battles though.
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STD test, I think you should offer to get one too. If I"m reading you right, you don't want to be SO okay to this that she doesn't perceive any threat that you've dated someone else??? Heck, you could have been using protection, but in any event, fair is fair.
Exactly.
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I can predict what is going to happen, on any one of the above, or some combination of them: your wife is going to revolt, and you're going to have a spew-filled, major-full-blown SETBACK.
Let her.
Stay calm, stay actually LOVING, and say "Look, I understand completely if you're not ready to do this. I'm just telling you what I need in order to feel safe again in the marriage, considering what you've been doing this past year."
and STICK TO THAT.
If she's sincere, it will blow over. If she's NOT, and this has all been some set-up to get her (and maybe your kids) to go to other country, then better you find out now.
I agree that's a real possibility. Sometimes I wonder if asking for all this stuff just reeks of weakness. I think my strength is really what's attracted her back. Part of me thinks the gucci, Steve McQueen, robx approach is better. Be strong, be confident, so she instinctively knows if she crosses some obvious boundary, like contacting OM, or holding onto mementos from OM, then she risks me dumping HER. Not going back to OM's country is obvious. If in a year she says she's going, I'd respond "Have fun, D papers will be waiting for you when you get back." I'm really starting to think the most powerful position to be in is one where your W knows you have enough strength and self respect to walk if betrayed, one where she preemptively tries to put herself in the best possible situation to KEEP you.
