Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

I know this is long - but bear with me! I have been using this site as a daily support as I try to figure out what has happened to my life. My H and I will have been married 25 years in September. We have been together since we were 19 years old / so we’ve actually been together – almost inseparable – for 28 years. He was a high school and college star athlete. We married immediately after college and had our first child a year later. We have 3 children, ages 23, 20, and 16. The oldest two (Ds) are out of the house and on their own. The youngest, our S, is at home.
Trouble began about 7 years ago. H turned 40 – and left coaching high school sports. Our kids were just in their teens or pre-teens and were each involved in highly competitive, time-consuming, and expensive activities. H and I both work in the same field – but for different employers. I have had great advancement opportunities and have taken advantage of the salary increases in order to help the family. I have ALWAYS been a “family first” person and the running joke is that when I grow up I want to be a “stay at home wife and mother.”
About 7 years ago, I found a stash of pornography. It really threw me for a while – but we made it through that time. About 2 or 3 years later, I discovered my husband on phone chat lines engaging in phone sex. We entered into counseling at which time I discovered that he had engaged in a one-time physical encounter. We went deep into counseling and I had to take an honest look at my own contributions to the demise of the marriage. We continued to work in counseling and then it was recommended that H continue in individual therapy. We continued to have ups and downs during this time – some really rough – however I attributed it to the tough road healing from infidelity. I actually felt good about the work we had been doing – and the changes that I had made being much more aware of communicating with my H and collaborating on decision-making.
I had talked to him about using 2010 as a year to “turn the page” and write a new story for our marriage. Our youngest was driving and was more independent and it seemed like a good opportunity for us to develop a shared vision for the next phase of our lives. It was refreshing to see that as we talked about all aspects of our lives – we had very similar goals, objectives, etc. As we started to implement some strategies for this new vision – we found ourselves at odds. I couldn’t figure out why. Then, on January 25th – over dinner – my husband admits to me that he has never been “all in” to the marriage. I just looked at him – a little shocked – but also a little relieved that there was some honest dialogue going on. That maybe I wasn’t crazy and that there was a “reason” things weren’t working. He talked about us separating and I said I couldn’t fight him. Through that week, we were calm and cordial – but also thinking towards a split. On January 31st, I was looking at the financial impact of a separation and became overwhelmed and tearful. He then stated that once I heard more of what he had to say, I wouldn’t be so sad. At this point he discloses three years worth of “hook ups” with chat room “friends” who would do anything for money. He shared that he had 40+ encounters of ALL kinds (too humiliating to mention) and that he had actually been moved to psychotherapy because his counselor felt that H’s behavior had moved to an addiction level. He had been in therapy for this for almost a year and I had no idea!
To say I was numb with shock would be an understatement! I was raised in “dysfunction junction” and thought that I had married so far out of that realm and that we had created a life that was so far removed from addictions and mental illness. Boy was I wrong!
I always believed that infidelity would be a deal breaker – however I learned over the past 3 years that everyone has to examine their own values and beliefs and my core beliefs included a commitment to my marital vows. So I swallowed my pride and told him that I felt like his disclosure was like pulling the plug on a cesspool. That when the pool is drained there is still s_ _ t left in the pool – we could either walk away and leave the cesspool as the legacy of our marriage or we could stay and clean up as much as we could. We began to clean it up and he went heavy into therapy and dealing with his issues. I also went back to counseling to look at codependency issues and my “fix-it” needs.
I had moments when I would break down and at times, I’ll admit, I was inconsolable – but I felt good about my decision to stay and work through it.
On April 20th, H and I were at dinner and I asked him if he felt “stifled” by the work. He quickly said “yes and I have doubts.” Well this took me by surprise and I became emotional. He said he was having insecurities on why it was so hard for him to be honest and he wondered (as I have asked him in the past) – if he just thought I wasn’t what he wanted.
On April 21st – he awoke and said he was “DONE”. He went to his counselor the next day and came home saying “sorry – I love you as a friend / but I’ve never really loved you the way a husband should love a wife.” He said he had never been happy and that it was going to be “his” turn. He has shown ZERO affection, care or concern since. He works late every night and has had several exit plans – but somehow his concern for the kids or money – whatever has stopped him. He has made it clear that in NO WAY has his delays had anything to do with a change in feelings towards me. We fake it in front of our son – but it is mostly silence when it’s just us. He said that he wants to live his life at a “9 or 10” and with me the best he can get is a “5 or 6”. With all of this going on – for weeks before this break down I received cards and texts that said how I was the love of his life and how much he loved me and was thankful that we were together. Initially, I did all the wrong things – cry, beg, etc. To him, there is never enough money – nothing is every good enough! My wardrobe exists of Target and WalMart – I am not a high maintenance person at all. However I think I have become the complete personification of ALL of his unhappiness. His high school and college days were the highlights of his life and mine have been my married life. We are disconnected – but I have been willing to create something new. Thankfully I found Michelle’s books and this site and began working towards GAL. My H has little to no friends outside of me – he comes from a family with really limited social skills – and he says that there is no one in particular he wants to be with right now but he wants to be “liberated” to possibly pursue another woman who might be a better match for him. I got to tell you that at 47 – I may not have the greatest body ( I have lost quite a bit of weight but have about 20 to go) – but I am regarded as fun, kind, witty and generous. I make a great living – and have the most potential for a “9 or 10” kind of life than anyone I know. I also love my H more than anything and would do anything to save my marriage. I am also smart enough to know that all of this comes down to his choice. So, I have been laying low – engaging in NO negative interactions – limiting communication to essential kid stuff. I am really having a hard time with the GAL portion. I’ve always envisioned my life as a wife/mother. That’s what I love! I am sorry for the length – but I need help! Does this sound like MLC? With a lot of alone time now – what do I do to GAL? I am so heartbroken with EVERYTHING – the infidelity, the MLC. Our MC thinks my H is off the deep end – but also recognizes that there’s not much that can be done.
Thanks for listening and any advice!