So our S (5) is now out of school. W is coming down here from New England for his B-day party and then they are heading back on Sunday. Essentially, tomorrow is my last day with him as a full-time Dad. My heart is breaking. I have agreed to do the weekend-commuting Husband/Dad but I really, really, really believe that as soon as she has her son with her all contact with me will end. I simply do NOT trust her.
We've had 2 counseling sessions now and we've gone from "I'm desperate to sever this relationship" to our last session where I said I thought she would end things as fast as she could and she looked at me and said "why do you feel like that?" We had a GREAT dinner last Sunday night and I really thought we were making some progress. Then, tonight all she would do was text. I asked her to call because I HATE texting but she wouldn't. I told her I was feeling "lonely" meaning I was taking care of a child all day and wanted to hear an adult voice. Her response..."I can't help you with your loneliness." My response.."You don't get it. A phone call from you is all I'm asking. Simply hearing your voice would be nice." I know...needy, clingy drivel.
I just felt like we were headed somewhere positive. Now..I don't know.
I'm headed up there next weekend. Met a friend up there (another Army guy) who is going through the same crap. Coincidentally, he is coming this way next weekend and has offered to let me stay at his house. So, I've got a place to stay (saving a ton of money as she lives in a very expensive resort town) but I don't think she needs to know where I'm staying. If she asks, I'll just say I'm staying with "a friend" and leave it at that. Of course, she'll then beat me up for being "evasive" and "secretive" which is what she complained about in her littany of complaints as to why we need to end this marriage.
So..seeking advice on that. My first reaction is that until she commits to moving forward together I stay vague. She is not forthcoming about her life why should I be forthcoming about mine? On the other hand, if she assumes the worst (I'm shacking up with some female) then it might push her further away and further toward the OM that I am certain is part of this. Guidance?!?!
I've asked to take her out to dinner next Sunday night. It's our 12th anniversary and she has agreed. I was thinking something nice and romantic but nothing over the top and I was thinking about ending it early with a 'that was nice. I've got an early flight...gotta go.' etc. Again...guidance or feedback would be most welcome.
Now, for the next 2 years I'm going to live near Washington, DC and she'll be where she is. My plan is to buy a sailboat and live on it (much cheaper than an apt) but that brings up a problem. In our last counseling session she was irate because I was taking a sailing certifcation course (counselor told her I could take any course I want to take...she doesn't own sailing....good counselor) and said, "For all I know he's already bought a boat! That's just more of the same..he does his thing without talking to me!!" My dilemma is that I can live on the boat cheap and then send $$$ to her for our household. But, if there is no household for me there...if I'm not welcome, then I will have to get a place for myself and will need $$$ for that. Again, I can live on the boat cheap and put my $$$ toward a permanent place where she is so my son will have a consistent place to come to when I visit. Also..if she's not willing to approach this as a joint venture then what right does she have to say where or how I live? Is this part of my GAL activity?
I want to do "my thing" but that's been part of her complaint but then again, she's not engaging/communicating with me at all so I have NO idea what her plans are and that leaves me acting/planning in a vaccuum.
So, I've got a place to stay (saving a ton of money as she lives in a very expensive resort town) but I don't think she needs to know where I'm staying. If she asks, I'll just say I'm staying with "a friend" and leave it at that. Of course, she'll then beat me up for being "evasive" and "secretive" which is what she complained about in her littany of complaints as to why we need to end this marriage.
You are making the mistake many make on being evasive and secretive. When a person like you has been chasing and pursuing a woman, and then you suddenly tell her you are staying with a "friend", any woman can see right through that. She already knows she has you and she knows you are just trying to make her jealous. Too obvious...
Tell her..."I am staying with John"(or whatever his name is)
The KEY to being mysterious is that YOU AND JOHN should go out and light up the town. Then you GRADUALLY start to get mysterious over time. Leave her alone for a few weeks. Then wait until she contacts you and THEN asks you what you have been doing.
That is when you again tell her that you and "John" have been just hanging out. Then you can gradually tell her little tid bits of your GREAT times going out on the town with John. How much fun you guys are having... As you slowly stop contacting her and asking or trying to win her back.... You go out and meet other women. You socialize with them. Have fun with them. Flirt with them. It is called socially interacting.
THAT is how you get a woman to wonder if you have met someone else. When a man is having an affair he doesn't tell his wife he is staying at a friends house or going out with a "friend", he tells her he is staying with "John" or he is going out with the "guys" from work.... He blames his friends and he uses the friends as his alibi for his affair. He tries NOT to be mysterious. He LIES. He doesn't say "friends" to be vague, he says specific friends or "guys from work...
As far as living on the boat, you need to come across as it is EXCITING and adventerous, NOT that it is saving you money. That is silly. It makes you look weird if you are saying you are doing it to save money. Go live on a boat to save money??? Let her think it is your PASSION because that is what you WANT to do .. Much more attractive to women that way.
So, after the backslide last night when we were talking about the kids, he phoned first thing this morning to organise taking them to their sports matches. When they got back he came into the house and he was so icy cold and .... y'know how you get that feeling of raw dislike being sent your way? .....it was just awful. I tried to keep the conversation going 'How was the game?' 'Did they play well?' but it was all one-sided. Kept trying to 'act as if' (but not too well maybe). When he left it was just like a stranger saying goodbye to me. Spent the last couple of hours trying to get images out of my head of him with OW .... and trying to not give myself too hard a time about how I'm managing things. He wants us to take the kids out together for a 'family lunch' tomorrow. I don't know if I can bear it. I hate that being with him and not being able to touch him and things being so distant between us. I'm learning so much by reading everyone's posts. It's so comforting knowing that I am amongst so many others going through this. I'm reading so many stories so similar to my own, I could have written them. I am praying for strength to get through this. _________________________ Me 51 H 51 S 20 S 16 S 14
"I asked her to call because I HATE texting but she wouldn't."
Then stop. Let her text away to her hearts content. Just because she is texting you does not mean that you have to respond via texting. My daughter text's me from upstairs. Does not mean I am gonna text back. If she has something important to tell you.. then she will get the hint.
"So..seeking advice on that. My first reaction is that until she commits to moving forward together I stay vague."
As this pertains to both situations.. I will just address it with this. There is no real reason to withhold information from her. If she asks who you are staying with just tell her "Bob" you don't need to elaborate any further than that. If she asks who is "Bob" then decide if she really needs to know all your plans. Saying I am staying with a friend.. leaves things open to inference. Same thing applies if you are staying with "Susie".
As for the boat.. I don't live far from DC so I know it is expensive.. even for a small place. Don't know that the boat route is a solid decision.. but if it is reasonable and you can make a case for it saving money.. please feel free to express that to her. You the word "I". I can do X if I do things this way. Might be kinda fun for your S.. and it lends some mystery to you also. As long as you don't become the creepy guy who lives on a boat down by the River.
"I've asked to take her out to dinner next Sunday night. It's our 12th anniversary and she has agreed. I was thinking something nice and romantic but nothing over the top and I was thinking about ending it early with a 'that was nice. I've got an early flight...gotta go.' etc. Again...guidance or feedback would be most welcome."
Just plan a dinner.. does not have to be romantic. The idea here is that if you walk into it planned out.. it seems a little showy. If you see things just burning up time.. then excuse yourself. Go to have fun.. not win her back. Treat it like a first date.. get your brain in that mode. Be a player.. Dress for the occasion.. smell good.. smile.. and pay attention to her.
"I want to do "my thing" but that's been part of her complaint but then again, she's not engaging/communicating with me at all.
It's that fine line.. Of course you have been doing your own thing.. you were "fighting". It most likely is that when you came back from doing your own thing.. you were not paying attention the the "Love Bucket".
I can't think of a better way to show someone you care about them and Love them other than to DO just that. Even if it is not received in that moment.. does not change that you put forth the effort. People.. in tough situations that stand out.. attract a lot of attention.
"I have NO idea what her plans are and that leaves me acting/planning in a vacuum."
No.. That is not correct.
You are keeping yourself acting/planning in a vacuum.
She did not cause you to be here. You chose to be here. All your actions.. all your inferences.. all your reactions.. they add up. You took something for granted..
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
OK. So, I'm staying at a friends house. A guy I met on my last visit. Army guy...going through the same stuff. Nice guy...letting me stay at his house. That's all she really needs to know. That takes the threat of "another woman" out of the equation but also lets her know I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs when I am up there.
Forrest..your last comment was spot on. I have taken something for granted. I've admitted that many times both in and out of counseling. What I'm saying is that if we are moving forward together then we need to talk about how that is going to happen. If we can't or don't have that discussion then we're both planning in the blind.
Today is going to be a tough day. We've got our son's b-day party and then he will stay at her hotel tonight and they'll go back to New England early tomorrow morning. I'm going to miss him so much!! These last couple of months with him have been really wonderful and now that's all about to change. It's going to break my heart! This will be the new dynamic..either for the next 2 years or for the rest of my life. Either way, it's going to be painful.
I need some reassurances about how we are moving forward. This is a point where I feel very vulnerable. I'm essentially giving her primary custody without a fight but I'm doing it in an effort to keep our marriage together. We aren't divorced, we aren't legally separated....we're just living apart. So, I see this as an agreement/arrangement that a husband and wife have made. Again, we've gone from "I'm desperate to sever this relationship" to "I'm not in a hurry to end this" so I don't know what the heck is going on with her. I'd just like to know that we're working toward a common goal. But that might be asking too much..putting too much pressure on her. Probably will even seem needy/clingy, etc.
Today is just going to plain ol' suck...I'll put a smile on and make it look like fun but inside I'll be hurting.
"I have taken something for granted. I've admitted that many times both in and out of counseling."
Say it once. Show her more than once.. there is a difference.
"What I'm saying is that if we are moving forward together then we need to talk about how that is going to happen. If we can't or don't have that discussion then we're both planning in the blind."
You are having normal progress.. nothing that needs to be talked about right now. You need lot of forward momentum before you start having "talks". Just keep plugging along like you are. Play the game for a while.
"We aren't divorced, we aren't legally separated....we're just living apart. So, I see this as an agreement/arrangement that a husband and wife have made."
You are OK with this I assume? It leaves you in the line of fire some. If you are OK with it I think it is a solid choice.
"Today is just going to plain ol' suck...I'll put a smile on and make it look like fun but inside I'll be hurting."
Thing about a smile.. even when it's fake.. it still has an effect on people.
Slow and steady right now.. don't worry too much about any movement forward.. just keep journaling.. I am still watching and following along.
Good luck.. keep your "Emotions" in check. Do things.. cause you want to. Listen to that little voice. If you are unsure.. post and think about it for 24-48 hours.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Yeah...I blew it today. We had a great b-day party for our son but I had to go and try to have R talk afterward. We went to the park and our son began having some anxiety about parting. He was crying and very clingy to me. Of course, she accuses me of "brainwashing" him..."this is all your fault." She called me a name, I called her a worse name and told her SHE was the one breaking this family apart.
So..the day ended horribly and they are both headed to New England. I'm headed up on Friday. We have agreed that we will NOT discuss the R the next time we meet.
Forrest you are dead on the money...we are nowhere near being able to have talks about how "moving forward" is going to look. The problem is that within 60 days I am going to have to make some decisions and her decisions will drive mine. Maybe that's the problem...maybe I should just do what's right for me???
This just sucks...
I did NOT keep my emotions in check. That's my biggest challenge...that's the "work" I have GOT to do if this is going to be salvaged.
"I called her a worse name and told her SHE was the one breaking this family apart."
It will happen. These are the moments you have to prepare for.. I know it is really.. really hard.
You need to address this name calling somehow. You need to let her know that you did not mean what you said. That you over reacted. Address it at counseling.. or the next time you see her face to face. Don't text it.. it sends the wrong message. If she is on the phone with you that would be ok to. Simple words.. and don't mention anything she did. Don't use the word "you" at all. Just I and me! Holding yourself accountable.. teaches others what you expect.
"So..the day ended horribly and they are both headed to New England. I'm headed up on Friday. We have agreed that we will NOT discuss the R the next time we meet."
Good Plan! Right now.. just ride the wave my friend. That is all you can do.
"The problem is that within 60 days I am going to have to make some decisions and her decisions will drive mine. Maybe that's the problem...maybe I should just do what's right for me???"
60 days is plenty of time. Don't go all "crazy" with your decisions. Write them down.. or post them in order of importance and address them one at a time. Think about your options.. is there a better way?
KISS it.
"I did NOT keep my emotions in check. That's my biggest challenge...that's the "work" I have GOT to do if this is going to be salvaged."
Now you "see". Trust me that will make you feel like you are Doing Work.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
My W is convinced that her sister and I are in regular communication. This stems from her sister's opinion that my W's actions are selfishly motivated. My W has asked me on numerous occasions questions to the effect of "so, what does my sister have to say?" and "when was the last time you talked to my sister?"
Question: Do I let her sister know about this or do I just let it go?
I actually had to pull a whopping 3 e-mails between her sister an me off of my smartphone just to PROVE to her that her sister and I have agreed that she (the sister) should NOT be put in the middle. But...my W is doing just that!!
