Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

Well STBXW came over this morning to drop DD off and just as I'd suspected DD didn't want her to leave. She cried big time. STBXW pretended like it was no big deal trying to distract her etc but she's not that little anymore and wasn't getting distracted. She didn't want to leave her mom's lap.

Finally I had to peel her away and tell STBXW to go. About an hour later she texts me "can we please reconsider the weekend splits, it's hard on DD. please let me know how she's doing. Thanks"

I wanted to say so much but I just replied back with:

"She stopped crying soon after you left- but don't fool yourself thinking that it's any easier on her even when she's not crying"

I just don't care anymore about watching what I say...she's doing the worst possible things to me as is so why should I keep my mouth shut. So I'm contemplating sending her an email that tells her how her patterns are exactly what they were before and how wrong she was and how she hurt not only us but herself too. If she needs a reality check she should read the remorseful emails she sent to be before we reconciled after 2 years of being separated.

[whatisis]

Polite and businesslike...go with that, SR! Don't let your emotions rule what you do here. It's so hard though when you see the pain that it creates for your DD, I know that. At least give yourself time to cool down and email tomorrow if you must. Remember, your goal here is as amicable a split as possible, that's best for your DD too. Btw, why did she want to reconsider the weekend splits? What does that mean?

[ImprovedRomeo]

Normally we exchange DD at her school during the week and we alternate Fri-Sun. That way I never see STBXW and DD never sees both of us at the same time (STBXW will drop her off and I'll pick her up etc). She's saying it's easier for DD that way because when she sees us both she wants to stay with the parent that's leaving her.

I guess I'll just let it go, I hate her for this.

When she was here today I noticed how she's starting to look older...she's 38 but has always looked much younger so far. Still I feel that old attraction...she was wearing a tank top and my eyes kept wanting to wander down but I resisted.

...see I'm fine for days and stuff like this happens and I'm all conflicted again i.e. I hate her and I miss her both at the same time. I'm sure one day i'll be indifferent no matter what she says/does...

[whatisis]

All pretty normal, my friend.
So, aside from your momentary hatred for her, does her suggestion make sense to you? If it's easier on your DD then go with it, if not then work something else out with her...but not tonight!

[NoLongerHere]

...see I'm fine for days and stuff like this happens and I'm all conflicted again i.e. I hate her and I miss her both at the same time. I'm sure one day i'll be indifferent no matter what she says/does...

Yep. Been there.

Yeah, give yourself some time to calm a little.
I guess I've come to the conclusion that, whatever I'm feeling, trying to resolve it or dispell it or whatever by talking to XW, really isn't the way to go. Have to deal with it in other ways. Which is hard, because, we're all used to talking it out with our spouses. But - there's nothing left to resolve (at least for me where I am).

And keep in mind, keeping things as calm as possible between you and her will serve you best through this stage.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks guys, so how about this?

"Sure, go ahead and keep her on the 4th of Jul. Your proposed Jul schedule works for me.

I'm also good with not splitting up the weekends let me know how you want to rework the schedule. However, this is how she is when I drop her off at school and Sandra can confirm it. Even at home when she may not cry sometimes but she'll ask and do things that shows her pain. I listen, validate and comfort her- distracting her no longer works as you found out yesterday."

Business like and without talking about my feelings which she doesn't give a crap about anyway.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Here's what I sent to her "Go ahead and keep her on the 4th of Jul then. I'm also good with not splitting up the weekends if you want to rework the schedule.
 
Just so you know this is how she is when I drop her off at school- and Sandra can confirm it. Even at home where she may not cry but she'll ask and do stuff that shows her emotional pain. What I have found to work for me is to listen, understand and comfort her- distracting her when she's feeling hurt no longer works and probably makes her feel worse."

Had a lazy weekend since it was too hot to go outside. I decided to have a backyard campout with DD. Went to the storage to get the tent out of the trailer and it looked sad sitting there what it meant and all the places we went with it as well as how happy we were when we bought it less than a year ago.

Anyway, set the tent up in the b.yard threw some hot dogs on the grill and made a marshmallow dessert. Not bad but didn't come close to real camping and DD won't go without mommy when I suggested we went

Feels like such a waste of life for everyone to not even be able to do fun stuff, take vacations etc. How's this better? Can someone please explain this to me? DD's hurting, I'm hurting even financially, we aren't enjoying life like we used to...better yet can someone explain this to STBXW?

[whatisis]

It's not better and only an idiot would tell you otherwise, it's different... that's all. But that doesn't mean it won't get better, it does. The reason I stayed with my wife so long was that I refused to put my kids through the pain of divorce, I just couldn't bare the thought of it. So, I know what you must feel when you see your DD hurting, so comfort her and give her all the love you can (and I know you are!)...that's all I can give you.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Wii if it's not better then why do they do this? in my case three times...it really sucks because this will be the last time for us as she can't be trusted anymore.

[NoLongerHere]

Yep - focus on DD, SR.

Why?

My XW was hurting so much that it was the only alternative, the only action she saw. Doesn't mean that I did, will, or can understand. Actually, to some degree I do now.

XW was hurting before, and she's hurting now, maybe worse.
And when I hate her a little for "what she did" to me and the kids, I don't have that feeling when I try to understand her perspective; I feel extreme sorrow. Because I do love her, and it kills me how she's felt.