still separated, headed for D?

[gatsby11]

I would remove all trace aspects of your H in your home. If your son wants photos of his dad around keep them in his room.

I would eliminate the drop offs/pick ups at your house and find a neutral spot.

If you have family or a close friend I would send them to drop off son every now and again so your H really gets what it will be like to have next to no contact with you and he also may wonder what is keeping you so busy.

Great post, CityGirl! You make a lot of sense. And I agree with everything above, NM.

[newmama]

You have been separated for some time and while this is painful to realize, your H has made no shift in seeing you as a woman and not just your son's mom. And why would he? He has the OW for the "other stuff"

No, this isn't a realization. I think I finally "got it" when he didn't ask S and I to go with him for his lumpectomy procedure (removed a lump from his TESTICLE- they were acting like they really thought it was cancerous but it wasn't)

How do I get him to see me as a woman again?

Well actually...why couldn't he see me as a "woman" and still be with OW? I mean are you thinking that as soon as he remembers I am a woman and that he was attracted to me once upon a time then OW goes bye bye? I am skeptical. And as you know, I have definitely been playing up my feminine attributes in appearance for quite some time now.

In reference to the rest of "the list" for divorce,I didn't list out insurance, college fund, mortgage, retirement but it is all set up if we divorce.

Well, now, let me ask. Imagine you are remarried and totally head over heels for your new H. Maybe you even have a new baby on the way. How would you want S's visitation to go? Would you still have WH come over and all of that?

haha! no more babies for me! but I think if I was remarried, or had a serious boyfriend, WH would not have keys to the house, I would just exchange S at the door and he wouldn't come inside. Good question!

Oh yeah and CG about doing the exchange with S using a different person- not an option that I have. I wish I had a regular babysitter!

I do transfer S at a neutral location most of the time for pick ups, but since he is only a baby and he is tired, WH drops him off at the house so we can put him straight in his crib. I think transferring him again at the neutral location is too much for his age at this time. (being bedtime and he is already dozing off!)

thank you though for helping me think of other angles!

[gatsby11]

Yep, good point about the baby and crib part. AND driving to that parking lot was kind of inconvenient for you, not to mention S!

Maybe starting door drop-offs is a good idea. I know your WH has to go to the bathroom a lot, but maybe that is a consequence for him. He's got to go to a gas station or something to relieve himself!

Of course whatever you think is best for your sitch, NM. It is good to think from other angles from time to time.

[newmama]

Maybe starting door drop-offs is a good idea. I know your WH has to go to the bathroom a lot, but maybe that is a consequence for him. He's got to go to a gas station or something to relieve himself!

LMAO!! Yes he has a prostate problem!

I do like to look at other angles like I said! But like I also said, I truly am getting at the end of my rope--I will drop the whole damn thing in 4 weeks!
So my motivation is faaaaading.

Now let us truly be realistic here. If I suddenly start greeting WH at the stoop and exchanging S there as well as say "Hello. Good. See you next time." is that going to make him think "wow. I don't get my 14-25 minutes of newmama time each week anymore! I better dump OW!" No.

CG pointed out that he doesn't think of me as anything more than S' mom, despite my attempts to be sexy and independent and mysterious.

So truly I think Flowmom is right- she said something to the effect of it just doesn't look like anything I do or how I act will sway WH so I shouldn't stress about it anymore.

[gatsby11]

Now let us truly be realistic here. If I suddenly start greeting WH at the stoop and exchanging S there as well as say "Hello. Good. See you next time." is that going to make him think "wow. I don't get my 14-25 minutes of newmama time each week anymore! I better dump OW!" No.

Yeah, I agree that it wouldn't be the tipping point to change his mind. You could do it for you, though. Maybe in 4 weeks that's what you'll want. Whatever you think is best.

[newmama]

So, my new goal will be to continue the brief exchanges as a few posts back and not to analyze WH.

The only place I get to analyze him anymore is here on my thread so I won't be posting about him UNLESS it truly is something important. And, just like how it takes several attempts to quit smoking, eventually the next time you try will be the time you succeed. SO for the next 4 weeks, I WILL do as I said. No more analyzing and cut out the conversation.

I will be posting about GAL and about replying to others' posts!

[WhatNow]

You do need to notice changes in him tho. Right? You were seeing change about a month ago? This was after you changed up the visitation? So, what if you changed it up some more?

If baby is coming home so late, that he has to go immediately to bed or is falling asleep in the car, He should probably be home sooner. Just sayin'.

[newmama]

Whoops- forgot to say others' threads!
And Gatsby, I hope you don't think I was "dissin'" the stoop idea! I just think that if I had started this whole DBing thing earlier, like maybe August (ideally at the time you, BD and Piano are!) then I could have implemented the stoop exchange earlier and it could have made a difference or if I had no deadline!


OK about GAL-
TOday I slept in, worked out but was nursing a sore ankle from walking around in heels so I only got 35 minutes in. I started watching "The Invention of Lying" which was pretty funny at first, then pretty reflective, and was getting sad when I stopped it in the middle. I will finish watching it next time I work out (Monday). It was definitely very original and I just love Ricky Gervais!

Then I cleaned a little, S came back and took a nap, and J called me up to see if we wanted to go to the park with her son and her. So of course we did- it was the only dry and sunny day this week and the temperature felt fabulous!!

There were tons of other kids, babies, moms and dads at the park but I didn't feel bad because it was nice to have another single mom with me. So I didn't think "oh, too bad I am not with WH and S." PLUS Gatsby's post about knowing she will have that experience one day, with or without her H (maybe with a new H) has really resonated with me. So I feel confident that I won't be raising S alone.

Let's see...after the park, J asked if we wanted to walk to a nearby coffee shop and get something to drink and eat for the kids. So we did and got to sit outside, with a gorgeous little manmade creek to look at and listen to! It was very lovely in all!

And tomorrow she will be going with me to the Single Parents and kids dinner!

[newmama]

You do need to notice changes in him tho. Right? You were seeing change about a month ago? This was after you changed up the visitation? So, what if you changed it up some more?

Thanks for saying that WN, but it might have just been the shock of it all and now he is "handling" the change.


I wish I could find another story that is similar to mine where the H was with OW for over a year and then came back to the W.

Am I being cuckoo for thinking that it is unrealistic that much of anything other than me filing for D (at this point) is going to get that man to budge? SERIOUSLY?

I did just have a thought though. Since I am willing to file for D in 4 weeks, I could try some drastic changes in 4 weeks instead. On S' b-day I could have his clothes packed and the 2 pieces of furniture that he wants all ready to go. In the same week I could just say "I have a date on Thursday night. Is there any way you could keep S overnight or should I find a sitter?" I could even ask him for his keys to the house. Of course then I would need to bring up D within the next couple of weeks. Why am I waiting 4 weeks and not 2? I want to see what OW does. If I did it earlier, I would always second guess myself.

If baby is coming home so late, that he has to go immediately to bed or is falling asleep in the car, He should probably be home sooner. Just sayin'.

Yes...good point. We will need to discuss this schedule and reflect on how it is working for S. I would be willing to meet WH in the parking lot to pick up S if he brought him back earlier.

[WhatNow]

I have been at this in some form or another since 9/08.

Am I being cuckoo for thinking that it is unrealistic that much of anything other than me filing for D (at this point) is going to get that man to budge? SERIOUSLY?

Don't file to get him to budge! File b/c it is what YOU WANT!

This is more like it!

I did just have a thought though. Since I am willing to file for D in 4 weeks, I could try some drastic changes in 4 weeks instead. On S' b-day I could have his clothes packed and the 2 pieces of furniture that he wants all ready to go. In the same week I could just say "I have a date on Thursday night. Is there any way you could keep S overnight or should I find a sitter?" I could even ask him for his keys to the house. Of course then I would need to bring up D within the next couple of weeks. Why am I waiting 4 weeks and not 2? I want to see what OW does. If I did it earlier, I would always second guess myself.

Have you thought of moving to another city? What would H think of a GREAT job offer requiring you to move a bit away? Maybe save this for the next time he brings up D? My H freaked when I mentioned moving and said he'd follow me w/o OW...FYI...It caused a slight budge and realization on his part. What if you just said the current visitation isn't working for you b/c of contact w/ him? Just throwing ideas at ya! Please disregard immediately if they sound wrong to you. :b