Hi, It's me again! I'm feeling better. Guess what??? There are SBT's in my area!!! I will call about them tomorrow!! I thought I did a search before on the internet and couldn't find any, but today I did and badda-bing, there they were in like the next town over!!!

Ok, so telling h i'm switching again may be trying, but i'll get to that later.

Right now I'd like to focus on something that is (too) important to me. ML. I'll try not to get too personal, but if you don't wanna read it, then don't! k? k.

Anyhow,
Prob. with ML has been that h feels turned off by my emo's, being controlling, manipulative, not accepting him (I'm adding that-the others he has said), pressuring, etc. He feels that the "cake" of the r must come first, then the icing comes after. (sensitive, no? ) But, I want to skip the cake and eat all of the icing and hope that the cake will be better that way.

Since we have been getting along better, our sex life is better. He is initiating a lot more, and he seems interested a lot more. Sometimes I thought it was a chore for him by the look on his face. (Who doesn't want to feel ?)

So, I want to flirt and be verbal, however, I don't think h likes it b/c he ends up feeling pressured/put on the spot.

Oh, I've also wanted to plan for it to happen, and says that it is a given that it will happen (eventually if it has been a few days) and that it is better when it comes naturally. I'm learning that this does make it better. When I am in my dependent/needy/wanting to cling/wanting reassurance mode I end up feeling icky after b/c i am not doing it for the right reasons. (what can we call this mode? low mode? needy mode?) So, I'm SURE that he picks up on these vibes as well, and ends up feeling used. (he has said this too.)

So, a couple months ago, I was doing a 180 of backing off, not initiating, and not talking about it/asking for it, etc. just waiting for it to happen. I do ok, until several days go by. But initially he initiated a lot. (is that redundant? ) That was the week that he spent all that time away from me. So, whilst I didn't like the time away, he missed me and appreciated me, right??? Now that we are getting along better, he wants to spend more time with me.

But, I feel like I'm slipping into that needy mode again. I try to innocently flirt, but it comes off wrong, or he takes it wrong. ...it backfires... I want him to flirt, but like everything else I have asked/pressured him to do, he needs to do when HE wants to, not just exactly WHEN i want him to.

when we are doing better, flirting goes better. It's all dependent on my mode! Oh, and wearing sexy underwear is NOT an issue. It would be a 180 for me not to...maybe I should wear grandma underwear???

so...I want to make a list of do's and dont's and you can add to them if you wish for assistance.

DO/what works:
back off, let him initiate, let it be natural, be subtle-test for flirting, accept him, love him unconditionally, be confident, be happy, (or act) think I'm HOT in my head repeatedy, trust him, allow him all the freedom that he wants to go out with his friends, make plans for myself, initiate w/e eve. w/o him before he does, be mysterious, be his FRIEND...oh, and oc, allow him to have itchy butt ...(copywrited by Sage)

Don't/what doesn't work:
try to plan it, act needy, do it for reassurance, use him, put him on the spot (he's shy too ya' know), control him or the sitch., be clingy, cry, get emo, talk r, get jealous, get insecure, talk with that (undermining/mistrustful) tone, judge him, be crabby/hostile...

ok, i now have a plan. i must stick to it. i'll have to talk about my sabotaging soon too.
karen