I am legally separated from my H. In this nutty state that means you are still married in the legal sense but the dissolution of assets has been complete. We went this route after a nearly 2 year court battle in a 'fault state'.
My H and I have not lived together since April of 08 and became legally separated mid Nov. 2009.
My H requested via the courts we remain legally separated until Nov. of 2012 but I do have the option to file for divorce in Nov. of this year if I so choose.
I am not trying to argue with you either. I am just pointing out my observations. I agree that not being polite is not the way to go to anybody.
While your list of what a divorce would look like is a small start I think there might be more. Health insurance, retirement, college for your son, him signing over the house to you many other "big ticket" items aren't mentioned in your list.
A marriage is a tremendous commitment and if your H chooses not to follow through it is in your best interest to be compensated for your time you did put in the marriage.
I would remove all trace aspects of your H in your home. If your son wants photos of his dad around keep them in his room.
I would eliminate the drop offs/pick ups at your house and find a neutral spot.
If you have family or a close friend I would send them to drop off son every now and again so your H really gets what it will be like to have next to no contact with you and he also may wonder what is keeping you so busy.
Your H expects polite and that is fine... manners are lovely to have and I agree they are very important. Your H has not seen detached and polite though IMO.
From what I have read your H seems like a decent dad with the time he spends with your son and the care he gives him. A big part of the reason your H is able to be a decent dad is the tremendous effort you put forth in being a fabulous mother. I would bet my last dollar your H has deep, deep respect and admiration for you as a mother. What I don't see from your H is any respect for you as a woman/romantic partner.
You get all the logistics (taking care of house and son) and your H is very comfortable with that. OW gets all the fun, sex, romance and intimacy. Your H has two women in his life and both serve a separate function. If you no longer care to serve the function as "mom only" in your H's eyes then only you can change that.
You have been separated for some time and while this is painful to realize, your H has made no shift in seeing you as a woman and not just your son's mom. And why would he? He has the OW for the "other stuff".
That is exactly why I cut my H off. I will be damned if he used me as his emotional sounding board (hard times at work, difficult family situations he had to deal with, help with bills and bitching to me when he had a fight with OW) yet she got all the fun, sex, love and romance. Sorry, pal.
My H and OW moved in together about 6 weeks ago (which my H informed me of over a series of eleven text messages). I gather things are not quite what he thought they would be because now I am on his mind again. He could have had it ALL with me or he can keep having "partial" with OW.
Your H's OW will NEVER be a mom like you are. Take comfort in knowing your H was stupid enough to walk away from having it all with you for "partial" with OW.
