help with a plan

[flowmom]

IDU, I agree with Coach in terms of what to expect from the MC process. If your W was ready to "say the right things" and take responsibility for her actions, you probably wouldn't need MC. It will take time for the C to develop a relationship with both of you and for your W to see alternative ways to get her needs met that don't involve divorce.

[idontunderstand]

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but what I'm seeing is "she needs to change". She does. But, if she wasn't having an affair and he was just a friend/colleague, then you were very bad to her.

Believe me, I have run this through my mind until it drove me crazy. If I am wrong about this, the sole blame of this M falling apart is on me. Yes, I have my faults. No, I am not completely innocent. The fact remains that she has been with him on several occasions after finding some excuse for me not to be with her. The poker run, her sister's b'day and my daughters field trip at school. The field trip bothers me the most. I had taken the day off of work and had it all planned out. No, nothing physical would have happened that day, but the emotional bond was deepened. She told me while they were driving to and from the trip that they talked about his D and his W holding things up because of an affair or affairs that he had. He just needed to vent to someone who would not be judgmental. Come on.

IDU, the other thing is that your old wife should NOT return. You and her wouldn't be having problems like you did/are if she and you were different. You both need to pull up your socks and build a new, stronger relationship. If either of you chooses not to or you do not like the results of the new relationship, then you leave.

DB is about change, not about returning.

I couldn't agree more.

[idontunderstand]

Just a quick note on the weekend:

Sat. was just a work in the yard day. W worked and me and the kids cut grass and spread rock and just messed around outside. I let all of the kids drive the tractor with the trailer behind it. The older boys can do it by themselves and I let the little ones steer while sitting on my lap. They all help load the trailer, then we empty it on the brush pile or load it with rocks. They think it's a big deal. Anyway, W got home at 2:00, took a nap, made supper and went to bed at 8:30. Not much conversation. I was friendly but didn't instigate anything.

Sun., the kids and I went to church. The twins served at church again. This time, they both did it without an older server to help them out. They were excited and did a great job. Later, a friend called and said she had tickets to the baseball game if we wanted to go. She had 4 tickets. When W got home, I told her about it and asked if she wanted to go, we would take the twins. If she didn't, I would take them and D6. My friend has a D the same age and they get along and play together well. We then got offered two more tickets. W said she didn't really want to go, and I said no problem. I will take the three kids and she could keep S4 with her.

As we were getting ready, she changed her mind and said she would go. Okay, good deal. A day for the whole family.

Well, the fun started almost immediately: Put on different clothes, you can't wear those shoes, we don't have any sunscreen, she can't find the soft cooler, we don't have any plastic water bottles to take along, on and on. We didn't have to leave for an hour and had plenty of time to get ready and pick up what we needed.

We get to the game, got our free food that was included with the tickets and she started getting calls and txt on her phone. Told the kids to hurry up and eat and was constantly on them about something. I asked her about the phone calls. She said her friend at work, who's husband died about a month ago, didn't show up for work or call the night before and she was worried about her. Some other girls at work were calling and trying to get a hold of her, too. So, the whole night she was on the damn phone. Said she should have just went to her house. I asked why she didn't. She said she didn't want to make me mad. Yeah, right. That's never stopped her before.

On the ride home, I said, I know you think I'm a jerk, but you could have went to friends house, you didn't have to go to the game, I just asked so you wouldn't feel left out and the kids wanted you to go. Why did you go if you knew you wouldn't have a good time? She said it was fine, she's just worried about friend. We talked a little on the way home, didn't get the silent treatment at least.

We got home, got the kids in bed and got ready for bed ourselves. She was asleep on the couch and I went to bed and slept like a rock.

I handled myself well most of the time. I did let my "bad attitude" show once when she was bitc#ing about how much ketchup and mustard I put on the hot dogs, got the wrong kind of soda, not enough napkins, etc... I said, "fine, why don't you do it all. I was trying to get everyone situated while you and the kids sat at the table. That's food and drinks for six people, I could have used a little help. Why don't we just go home and forget about the whole thing?" Not good, I know. I recovered quickly and made sure I had a good time and so did the kids. I just let her be the rest of the night.

I do wonder why she even came.

That was a lot longer than I expected. I think I know what to expect from her and she always manages to surprise me. Is it good that she went? IDK. I guess I'm getting caught up in the wonderful world of limbo again. She won't leave, but doesn't really seem like she is doing anything to help the M. I know it won't happen overnight, but....

[LSG]

IDU,

Every M is not perfect. A M's problems can never rest with just one person. That is too much to put on anyone. I have seen your post on this forum, and I do not believe that you have ever been "very bad to her."

A R takes a lot of work from both parties. Your new R with your W will take an effort from both of you if it is to work.

You are making changes for you and moving forward no matter what the outcome is.

Do not over analyze your sitch because it does drive you crazy.

Have a great day!!!

[Veni]

...you could have went to friends house, you didn't have to go to the game, I just asked so you wouldn't feel left out and the kids wanted you to go. Why did you go if you knew you wouldn't have a good time? She said it was fine, she's just worried about friend.

I do wonder why she even came.

This sounds similar to a recent situation with DH and me. DH and daughter were going to a college softball game. Not my thing -- I only marginally enjoy my daughter's games, and that's when I know her and all her teammates -- but I knew he wanted me to go so I agreed. Once we were there he sat on the other side of my daughter and they talked about the plays, while I was bored and wondering why I'd bothered to go. My daughter commented at one point that I didn't look like I was having fun and I told her I wasn't particularly. She asked why I came and I told her because her Daddy wanted me to.

I was not sulking, I was not ugly. I did send a few texts back and forth with some friends, so no, I wasn't all about the game, and while I did interact with my daughter, it was hardly quality time with DH. Fortunately, he was pleased that I was even there. Because I guarantee you if it wasn't enough just that I had gone but I was expected to be appearing to enjoy myself at his approved level, it would be a long, long time before I bothered to do another thing he asked me to.

[idontunderstand]

Thanks, Veni.

I was not expecting her to have a great time. I simply asked if she wanted to go to be nice, I guess. She never includes me in her plans and I was trying to take the high road.

It's confusing because she says she is done. Fine. Be done, but don't ruin my fun with the kids and the kid's fun.

BTW, I was having a great time, interacting with the kids and my friend who invited us and her kids. Also friends dad who I had not seen in a long time. We talked baseball and followed the game and he helped explain some things to my kids who were watching the game. I did not sulk or try to pressure W into having a "good" time. The kids and I did and I allowed her to be however she wanted. I did ask her on occasion how her friend was and asked if she was okay. I never ignored her, just let her be.

[Onthemountaintop]

She said she didn't want to make me mad. Yeah, right. That's never stopped her before.

But it did stop her today. Thank her for being considerate.

I recovered quickly and made sure I had a good time and so did the kids...
I do wonder why she even came.

Maybe she wanted to have a good time with YOU and her kids, silly! So she wasn't in the mood for it. There's a lot of hurt that happens when we talk divorce and separation. Shouldn't we expect a bit of abrasiveness? Wouldn't you say that you are abrasive at times? Aren't we all? Try your best to forgive and move on so the two of you can be deeply happy again.

You could ask yourself if you wanted her there. I thought you said you loved her and wanted the marriage to work? If I understood correctly, then you need to reach out on a limb at times to make her feel welcome.

[Barkley]

"Well, the fun started almost immediately: Put on different clothes, you can't wear those shoes, we don't have any sunscreen, she can't find the soft cooler, we don't have any plastic water bottles to take along, on and on. We didn't have to leave for an hour and had plenty of time to get ready and pick up what we needed.

We get to the game, got our free food that was included with the tickets and she started getting calls and txt on her phone. Told the kids to hurry up and eat and was constantly on them about something. I asked her about the phone calls. She said her friend at work, who's husband died about a month ago, didn't show up for work or call the night before and she was worried about her. Some other girls at work were calling and trying to get a hold of her, too. So, the whole night she was on the damn phone. Said she should have just went to her house. I asked why she didn't. She said she didn't want to make me mad. Yeah, right. That's never stopped her before."


Are you sure we are not married to the same woman?

[idontunderstand]

You could ask yourself if you wanted her there. I thought you said you loved her and wanted the marriage to work? If I understood correctly, then you need to reach out on a limb at times to make her feel welcome.

I did want her there. Part of me asked because I wanted her to come. Part of me asked because it was the polite thing to do. Then she was on the phone all evening. I asked about her friend and showed concern for her.

I just don't know when to "reach out", you know? I try to make her feel welcome, but I don't really see any effort on her part. She is still at home, I believe, because she has no place else to go. Her agreeing to go to the game surprised me and made me happy. Then the "alien" attitude showed up almost instantly. That's why I wonder why she came at all. I tried talking to her and involving her in things. She had no interest. The main thing she was interested in was her damn phone.

[Barkley]

Mine is always on the phone texting also......drives me f*#&ing nuts. It is probably just with girlfriends but the uncertainty is definately a factor. It also reinforces the fact that she would simply rather be elsewhere