SCh, we must have cross posted as I didn't see your last one.
I truly believe at this point your H would run again as he seems to still be spinning so fast. He flits from one scenario to another. The firestorm in his head most be awful to live with.
As far as to what to tell him, you could say that you need more time to think it over. Maybe that would stall him long enough and he'll come up with something else
Hopefully some of our wise DBers will be along to give you their opinions on how to handle this.
SCH - I will just trow this out there...maybe I'm off base...but at least something to think about.
Lots of MLCs are at home while they go through the rest of their craziness. It's incredibly hard on the spouse, but they can DB and ride it out, still remaining detached. The question is...would you be willing to do that, are you strong enough to deal with him without sacrificing you? There are still no guarantees, but there is a chance that he will settle and things will fall into place as to the living situation as you move along.
Reading some of the restored marriages links, the MLCs are far from done when they come back, some of the LBS say that it took a year or two for them to settle after they came back.
So it's really about what YOU want
Not easy
((((hugs)))
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
SecondChance, It appears that SA and I are on the same page in the fact that your h is still very much confused and doesn't know what he wants or how to go about finding solutions to his problems. I, too, still think that if you "reconciled" he would run again in time. He's sounding entirely too desperate to reconcile and the only thing that keeps coming sending red flags is the urgency in wanting to reconcile. I suspect he doesn't want to lose you, but also the financial assets would have to be split and he doesn't want to have to face the music and give up a lot of what he's been use to in that arena.
In my opinion, and it realy doesn't count here, your h is still looking out for himself and he's not considering how you feel or need in the way of a husband, partner and companion. It's all about what he wants and nothing more. This man, if he were truly wanting to reconcile would find a way back to you and your family and make it work. He's asking you to accept the situation as it is now and work with him on what he sees as an acceptable way to live...
You have to make the decision as to whether you want to reconcile w/a half baked man or wait out the storm and take a chance and have a leap of faith and wait it out. Separation papers do not always mean a divorce will take place....then again, if a divorce takes place, you do not know whether God has a special plan for the both of you and will reunite you at a later time or if there is another path that you should be traveling. Again, we can all advise you as to what we see, what we take from your postings, but the bottom line is this...are you willing to live w/the emotional turmoil that comes w/having him around bouncing off the walls until he gets it together, if he gets it together?
Are you willing to walk on egg shells for along time? What about you children? How will they fare w/their father acting out periodically around them?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
One thing I didn't mention is that when your H brings up R talks and asks specific questions just a reminder to listen and validate what he's saying. Being the rational one you'll come up with the words you need for gentle answers.
Good luck today. You seem to be holding it together well through the craziness.
Mila, Snodderly, SA, thanks so much for your replies, I really needed to hear your "voices" today.
Mila, he wants his own place, which makes letting him live with me while he finishes up his MLC next to impossible!
Snodderly, he keeps saying the same thing different ways, I think, making me feel like I am causing the rift, does that sound right?
SA, thank you for reminding me to try to listen and validate, I did need to hear that again.
So WH came over this evening to talk. He wants me and the kids to live in my city, and him to live in his city. He knows I can't support the family on my own in his city, so without him I will stay in my city anyways, so why can't I stay AND be in a relationship with him while he lives in his city???
He wants me to say that I love him and want him, or else he will have to move on with his life.
He says that it is selfish of me to want to live together conventionally, and that if I really loved him then none of that matters. He says I am selfish for driving a wedge in the relationship between him and I over where I live.
He says he wants to teach the children that love conquers all and that it doesn't matter where you live.
I listened and validated and tried to be nice for about 1/2 an hour, then said that I didn't know what to do or what if anything changed. He said he failed in making me understand, that I don't love him enough, and he drove away.
So what would actually change from the way it is now if you went along with his plan?
You would still live apart You would still be a single parent
What would be his responsibilities? How and when would he be part of the family?
For him it would be like dating....he would see you when it would suit him.
If you would be considering this, the question would be if your R could progress into living together within some reasonable amount of time. He can't be thinking that this would be a permanent arrangement.
I don't know, your situation seems very complicated...what are your thoughts?
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I don't know, your situation seems very complicated...what are your thoughts?
Mila, why is it so complicated? I don't want to live here in this city, and neither does he. So why do I have to live here if we are still married? Do you think I am not coming across very clearly, or am confusing him in some way?
JMO, it sounds like he wants things to stay as is, with the assurance that you won't change or move farther into ending the marriage.
If he was truly committed to the M, he wouldn't insist on the distance. Isn't there a town or such halfway between the two points so there's a compromise?I wonder if you found the "perfect" solution what his resistance to your living together would turn out to be?
I think you are coming across very clearly and he just wants to keep things as they are, but doesn't want to jeopardize losing you for good. So he's mind playing to convince you that *you're* the irrational one...
Again, JMHO...
~ This Diamond now SHINES!! ;-p ~
My Sitch in MLC - http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=45253&Number=1901148#
Your H failed in making you understand because he doesn't understand himself. He can't stop spinning long enough to have time to put a rational plan together. He comes up with one thing and before he can get it thought out, he's on to the next thing. In all the scenarios your H comes up with you can tell he still deep in the tunnel because they are all selfish. He is trying to have it all his way with no consequences. Would your H, pre MLC, have even thought like this much less voiced it?
Snodderly pegged it well when she said he'd be bouncing off the walls. He's like a ping pong ball on crack. I am not making fun of your H. I have nothing but compassion for him and especially for you and your children. I cannot begin to imagine what he is going through and my heart goes out to you trying to make some kind of sense of it all while trying to move forward.
