still separated, headed for D?

[Piano]

um, also yes i think it does apply to affairs - patience combined with firm boundaries/legal stance and making your spouse aware that you are unhappy and wont put up with the cuurent sitch, that you love them but are moving on with or without them.

[Babydoll]

If you go to mort fertel's website you can sign up for emails. He is trying to sell his tool kit, which I didn't go for, but the emails are pretty good and positive. He seems to be very realistic about divorce, falling out of love, and tools for at least inspiring words for us LBS.

[newmama]

I'm glad the quote was comforting-thanks for the info about Mort Fertel, Babydoll!

So last night I went to my micro brew single parents event! There were 25 RSVPS but 7 of us showed up- 4 men and 3 ladies! At first it was just 3 of us, and by the end of the night we ended up going to a pub for food and there were 6 of us. I had a great time! But seriously have done damage to my diet...salads and exercise this next week!!!!

Just because I think this is sort of interesting (to me) here's what I found out-
lady 1- 32, massage therapist, never married but had a long term relationship with a man who had "too many problems" so she moved across the country to start her own business here. She has a 5 year old and lives at her parents until she gets her feet on the ground. For fun, she plays guitar and loves to sing at open mic nights. SHE JUST LEARNED THE GUITAR LAST YEAR!!! I had no idea it was possible to learn to play so fast!

She said she is now ready for a serious relationship but seems to scare the men away; that she doesn't "get men" although she just learned that they really need to feel needed- take care of us in some way because women have become more independent over the years. She said not to act like a bimbo but to let them in and to be brave enough to be vulnerable. I added the importance of massaging their egos-showing respect, appreciation and admiration. We also talked about not coming on too strong and being the pursuer in the beginning at least and she said she was guilty of that- that she called and texted and emailed too much! I wanted to talk to her some more about this but we didn't get a chance.


lady 2- 36, SAHM, 3 girls ages 15, 13, and 18 months. She married her high school sweetheart, they fought like cats and dogs, she was separated/on the way to divorce about 5 years ago and then they had too much wine one night and baby girl #3 was made!


(this is like my other friend, J! Note to self: never stop taking birth contral and/or beware of falling into a night of passion with your "ex!")

Both women were attractive, but the SAHM was gorgeous! and super stylish and very fun to talk to. I think every man tried to move in on her!

The men: Man 1: (guessing) mid40s-left his wife, has a 9 year old daughter. What was kind of funny to me is that I truly got the impression he was interviewing each of us ladies...he was asking why we were divorced, how often we had our kids, if we wanted more children in the future, what we did for a living...
he had a fun accent from the East Coast that would slip in from time to time!

Man 2: late 30s (made a comment about his wife freaking out because she was almost 40), 3 kids 7-9-11, very unhappy about being divorced, wanted a family, rather bitter (I CAN RELATE!!!) and said his wife walked away from everyone: her marriage, family, job...I wanted to talk to him some more but didn't get a chance. Although he was bitter about the divorce, he was really fun, confident, joked around, and I thought he was attractive!

(note to self...keep in mind if I end up divorced and ready to date...)

Man 3: 50s, attractive and stylish Asian man from Australia! Teenage kids, don't know who left who in the divorce but I forgot my coat and he lent me his leather jacket as we all sat around the table. I said "chivalry is not dead!" and the other 3 men said 'oh, er, I was going to let you wear my jacket, er...'

Man 4: turns out he was 51 years old, very into me even though I told him that I was not ready to date (kept asking me when I thought I would be ready), he had 2 daughters, 5 and 7, he was divorced for a year and married for 6. He left his wife because she was "toxic" and they had a dysfunctional relationship. He is taking this last year to learn more about himself, heal and was taking a dating class to find out who he really wants to be with and identify his issues.

I really hope I wasn't leading him on; sometimes it seems that men think women are interested in them just because we are talking to them!!! But he should have read my body language, arms crossed, I didn't want to walk away from the group....He would be so obnoxious and would bend down to whisper something in my ear, and rub his nose on my face by doing so...EWWW now I am grossed out! He also patted my butt at one point!!!! I also tried to let him know that I was not over my estranged cheating husband- and that the idea of dating anyone right now is very claustrophobic to me. He said he wasn't ready for a deep "I love you" relationship but something casual and fun was okay. He gave me his card. But I think he might have gotten the point by the time he left the group.

Still I had a fun time and once again, even though I didn't know anyone at first, once you break the ice it works out!

[newmama]

Oh and all of the men saw their kids about 50% time. This is like the men from the other meetup I went to. I am thinking that the men that sign up for single parent-kids groups must be family oriented, right? And they happen to learn about the single parent-happy hour groups? So my point is that these meetup groups might yield more success than the internet dating

(when I am ready!)

Also the couples who used lawyers took 1-2 years (one took 3 years) to complete the divorce. The 51 year old man and his ex did a collaborative divorce and were done within 6 months.

[WhatNow]

I really hope I wasn't leading him on; sometimes it seems that men think women are interested in them just because we are talking to them!!! But he should have read my body language, arms crossed, I didn't want to walk away from the group....He would be so obnoxious and would bend down to whisper something in my ear, and rub his nose on my face by doing so...EWWW now I am grossed out! He also patted my butt at one point!!!! I also tried to let him know that I was not over my estranged cheating husband- and that the idea of dating anyone right now is very claustrophobic to me. He said he wasn't ready for a deep "I love you" relationship but something casual and fun was okay. He gave me his card. But I think he might have gotten the point by the time he left the group.

I don't think he wanted a "date", if you know what i mean!!!lol

[newmama]

WN! lol! you are right!!

Ok I confess that I did something different in my interaction with WH yesterday and I blame it on trying to detach in the sense that I don't care about what he thinks of my actions...yet I am writing about it here! First here is what I am referring to:

It's not about breaking off contact; it's not about not giving a damn about what your spouse is doing. It's about not letting their actions dictate your feelings and -- more importantly -- your responses.

Detaching means stopping doing all of the things that have been driving you crazy for months. Detaching means not snooping in his email, or driving past his house to see if he is there. Detaching means not analyzing every little thing he says or does as to what his intentions are. Detaching means not trying to figure out what you can say or do to manipulate him or control his behavior.

And what I did differently yesterday during his pick up of S was I just let down my guard and took a break...I was myself. I did this in the past a few time. But I felt like talking to him about S- there were a few things- he had texted me to let me know my SIL's H was in the hospital so I talked to him about that. Also I checked in briefly about the golf tournament.

So I was doing my best to not worry if I was doing damage or anything because I want to get better at detaching. But the reason I am posting this is because I DO WANT TO KNOW IF YOU THINK THE WAY ACTED IS OK! Meaning can I just go back to being myself again? Because I will when he drops S off in a few hours. Strategy wise if this is a mistake, I need to know.

and damn it what keeps swimming around in my mind is the fact that HE has been consistent this whooooooooole time- so does it really matter WTF I do? as long as it isn't crying or begging or going off in bouts of anger or pursuing him?

[WhatNow]

As you know, I too am walking the tightrope of staying detached and not allowing cake-eating but still letting him know I am not ok with the current sitch.

I think your quote above on detaching tells HOW to detach. I think you are more along than you think. You want an outcome, but emotionally you know you will be ok either way. That is a big step.
It doesn't seem as if you are manipulating him. You are controlling your behavior to fit your boundary line. You are trying to not allow him to cake-eat. I don't think discussing family facts would be cake-eating but that is for you to decide. If it turns to discussing feelings about the facts, that may be. He's the neighbor, remember!?!? lol

[WhatNow]

Oh and I haven't seen the consistency you refer to! He has been cheerful, pouty, sheepish, unsure of how to act himself....

[WhatNow]

From the other board:

"Choice is a freedom that comes with Detachment. Detachment is not a compassionate void; rather it is a place of clarity wherein we connect to the cosmic web rather than being bound within it."

[Mystik]

I'm really struggling with detaching and being unsure of how to act around H myself. Thanks for the quotes about detaching and how to try and do it. Good luck with your detachment process.