Well, the weekends are tough for me...I usually have more expectations. Last night I left work feeling pretty crabby, then I had to get gas and had a very trying sitch. at the gas station. I remained calm, got home, just wanted to chill for a while. For the first time I felt like h was "getting on my nerves." (I know I am responsible for my own feelings.) He wanted to know what we were doing (wanted me to come up with ideas), then I went to lay down and was looking at a coupon book for restaurant ideas. He comes in and asks what I am doing. I ask what does it look like? I ask him to snuggle me and fall asleep for a few min. then he gets a phone call, comes back, "what do you want to eat? are you gonna stay in bed all night?" we decied to have a low key eve. by going out to eat and renting a movie. we and then get ready to go out. Dinner was fine, but i feel some jealousy when a cute server is in the room.
I've been really tired this week. probably b/c i quit taking stuff with pseudophedrine which was keeping me awake, and I've been eating a lot of sugar and more caffeine than usual. I just haven't had the energy to do housework and to even really relate to h that much.
it's sat. morn, i feel uncomfortable. i told him that i could not get any time off over xmas, and he asked to talk about the vaca. sitch. last night while we were out. he said that this was a good opportunity for him to have 6 days off in a row and that he still has one more vaca day to use before the end of feb. that we could do something. ((he is off sun, tues, and wed, and I have plenty of vaca-just can't take it xmas week) i tell him to take the opportunity (b/c that is what he is looking like he wants to do) but i feel ??? something. -can't put my finger on it. like, why did he ask what my opinion was if he had made up his mind anyway?
this morn. he got up early and sat and watched tv. i wanted him to want to be with me... I'm starting to feel all this clinginess and I know that it is a bad thing. I end up feeling insecure and empty.
We didn't decide what we are doing tonight, and I'm sure I'll have to be the one to say "how about x, y, or z?" I don't feel like I should complain about him not thinking of ideas b/c he has been doing much more housework than I have been, so if I say, "you're not doing this," he could say, "well, you're not doing this..." I like to think of different and new things to do-like more adventurous...like I would like to go to Cleveland more often but that's about 40-50 min. away and he uses the excuse that he doesn't want to go that far away from home. We do the same old same old-go out to eat, see bands...I mean, I like to eat and I like to see bands, what's the prob? I guess I want more *romance* than I am getting right now. I want him to compliment me and say mushy things...I want to be excited and surprised...
**But I know that by virtue of my feeling this pit, things won't turn out the way I would like. H will feel the vibes and feel put off, etc. How do I shake it??
Quote: But I know that by virtue of my feeling this pit, things won't turn out the way I would like. H will feel the vibes and feel put off, etc. How do I shake it??
It's all in the attitude and inner dialogue, Karen.
That's a big part of "act as if"...so tell yourself it's OKAY that you come up with the suggestions, why not add in that 50 min drive as a possibility..you NEVER know!
Tell yourself you WILL have a great time! Even if it's doing something more "typical".
Moods ARE infectious...THINK and ACT your way to success!!!
Well, I kind of blew my top a little on sat. I was just getting so frustrated with his lack of motivation or whatever. I tried to talk to him, it wasn't concise enough for his taste, so I tried to back track, he was somewhat argumentative. I wanted understanding, I felt like he wasn't "hearing" me. He thought I was doing more of the same, I didn't think that I was. I thought that he was doing more of the same, etc., etc. We finally got it straightened out and we went out to eat and to see a band.
I apologized. He said, "we all mess up," or something like that and I let it go. 180 for me-usually I insist that we make up and that he give me some affection, but he said he would need his time/space, so I let it go. I did not grovel, or try to be affectionate to him. Eventually he was somewhat affectionate, like standing against me at the bar. we came home and i did not expect snuggles, but he did put his arm out for me to curl up on his shoulder. again, this morn., i did not expect anything, but he did initiate , so it seems, that from his end, he is ok.
but my end...??? not so ok. i'm tired of trying and having patience. I really feel much more detached from this sitch than I ever have been, and am almost feeling cold sometimes. I feel like I need some of my own space. and part of me was thinking that if he doens't want to be more adventurous as far as going to see bands we don't know or eating in restaurants that we don't know, or driving to cleve., then I'll just have to spend more time with my own friends doing those things. The thing that upsets me and I told him was that one of the major attributes about me that he liked in the beginning was that I am adventurous/active/like to do things and I helped get him "off his butt." (his own words) and now I feel like I am constantly met with opposition-so i said, "this is not working." I feel dissappointed. he said he would work on his indecisiveness.
I'm struggling-don't know if it's b/c I quit taking the wellbutrin, or PMS (start in 8 days) or just my general feelings of being exhausted/mentally stressed out/etc.
Or maybe it's just me being plain old IMPATIENT. OK, so I am...
Ok, I can't go on right now. I'm getting too emo. I must go continue doing housework and maybe getting out with my gf. k
Yes, I did the big no-no and quit cold turkey. I wanted to see if the dizziness would go away. Well I took one yesterday, and one today, then i took an ativan. I go to see the neurologist again on Thursday so I will tell her my suspicions and see if there is anything to do about it, b/c apparently, i need to be on a-d's. I've gone back and forth several times.
I'm doing some back-sliding these days: I'm having some hostile feelings toward h, thinking "he's not what I want, he's not contributing to our r in this or that way, he's not going to change, etc." However, he did say that he WILL work on his indecisiveness. And he has told me on numerous occassions that I will get what I want (emo's, words, romance) sometime AFTER he gets what he wants and I am consistent, and our r is on a steady path.
Yes, yes, ME=IMPATIENT!
I just feel so tired of acting as if, but the last few weeks, it was definitely more genuine and i didn't have to act as much. As far as having a PMA all around, I'm flailing. My work sitch is yucky, and my finances are in a mess, etc.)
I apologized to h for being crabby on fri. and he said he didn't notice. (I've done this a couple times-I must be doing well sometimes at acting as if!)
Sun. I told him I was feeling "beside myself" all weekend. He asked why and I told him about the med. sitch. He didn't say much. I asked if he was afraid that I would "attack" him and he said that he is taking things as they come, that he can't control me... This is GOOD b/c before he used to EXPECT me to lambast him and he would raise the walls before giving me a chance to not lambast him. Then I would get upset at him for closing off, etc., etc. So, things are DEFINITELY improving.
I plan on cooking a wonderful meal this eve. and trying to get back to my self.
well, I'm feeling somewhat better now. Work was busy, but ok.
H called and asked what i had planned this week. I said, only tentative right now, what's up? so he asked if it would be alright if he went out tonight and wednesday. I said that's fine cheerfully. He said **i think twice** that he is leaving the weekend open. (like for US)
OK, so I gotta get my PMA hat back on!! I gotta be ok with him going out, and i gotta be happy around him. I think he is ok if i am emo, but get back on track right away. If i stay in this downward spiral, he will lose hope, etc.
I need to find somethings for me to do. vball ends this thurs. until Jan. I want to ski, but that's $$.
Quote: It's all in the attitude and inner dialogue, Karen.
That's a big part of "act as if"...so tell yourself it's OKAY that you come up with the suggestions, why not add in that 50 min drive as a possibility..you NEVER know!
Tell yourself you WILL have a great time! Even if it's doing something more "typical".
Moods ARE infectious...THINK and ACT your way to success!!!
Shiny
I know I need to do this. I am having some anxiety. Feeling nervous about h going out. Feeling weirded out about us spending time together-like why does he go out-out with his friends and then sit around with me? I feel like his energy gets drained b/c he goes out, drinks, comes home late, gets up early. Maybe it is ok to sit around with him during the week and go out-out on the weekend? the more fun i am the more willing he will be to drive to cleveland?
I know I need to be patient. I feel like I ran into a wall (break down of patience) on Friday, and I am having a hard time getting over it. i was acting quite cheerful though yesterday and this morn. When he got home last night he asked what i did and I said, "not much." He asked what not much is and I told him just library and grocery store. wish i had something more "mysterious" to say like I went out to a bar or club or something.
I messed up some last night. As you know, my fears have been building up and I ended up "asking for" something and he felt controlled. He says he needs to do it in his time. I say I want assurance that it will happen in the future. UGG...
But, fortunately, we recovered well again. (I know I am really pushing my luck!)
We talked $$-this is ++. He is helping plan and even paid off a couple tiny bills that i have.
*One of my problems is that when things are getting better and going well, I start thinking about all the negative stuff. WHY??? Yes, I am sabatoging, and I know that I do it, so why continue? Well, I guess in SBT, the why isn't important, but rather, how to do things differently. How do I trust that this is going to last and that h loves me? How do I trust that even if he did leave me, I would be ok? Do I sound ridiculous compared to some of you whose h DID have a PA or EA?? 2x4???
Have a great weekend.
and then get ready to go out. Dinner was fine, but i feel some jealousy when a cute server is in the room. 
and I like to see bands, what's the prob? I guess I want more *romance* than I am getting right now. I want him to compliment me and say mushy things...I want to be excited and surprised... 
self. 