Volare...hey! ohwoh...Cantare, wohwohwohwoh...

[LolaL]

Thanks to all of you. I have not considered a reconcilation with XH at all. Although I am stinging right now with the latest development of SG, I know that I cannot go back. Either way. It is funny, through all of this I too kept thinking if SG felt the same way about me that I feel about XH.

I know this is a control issue. I am linked to XH because of the Tween, but that is the only reason. It was that we really did not speak other than discussing her, but after XH's mother died, I tried to be a friend because I know how hard it is to lose a family member that you love. But this did not mean that I wanted to reconcile with him at all, and I believe I need to make that very clear to him. I did not give him any indication or reason to think that was even possible.

Now I realize that we can only be parents to the Tween. I don't want to be a bitch to him, but realize I am going to have to make it very clear that this is not something I want. On the flipside, had the SG come to me spouting words like this, I would have taken him back in a heartbeat. However, I also know after the latest news that it would have ended in heartache again, and so for that I am grateful it never came to that.

It kind of reminds me of that old Aaron Neville song "Everybody plays to fool." I realize that in this life, there are times when we all get our hearts broken. It is how you handle it after that will determine what kind of person you are. I could lay down and give up, like the XH seems to have done, or muster up the strength to carry on. I am not about to go back into a marriage where I felt my every move was controlled, manipulated. XH was not physically abusive, but I think he had a crystal clear image in his head of what a marriage should be, and that was not the same image that I had. Marriage should not be about one person controlling the other, but a mutual joining of two people based on love and respect. That definitely did not exist. I have grown too much and come to far to allow that kind of relationship to take me over again.

I don't want to be alone forever, but for now I am content with grieving the final stages of the end of my marriage to the SG. I want to be able to move on, and now I can start doing that. It will still take some time. I think XH feels like if he can be "strong" for me, that I will see him in a new light. That is not going to happen. This is MY journey, not his. And I am content with walking in the direction I am, with complete faith in God that everything happens for a reason.