Hmm...girlfriends and cigars, reminds me of the Clinton era!
Wii and John, thanks for the feedback. I know my ramblings are probably annoying to read since I have been at this for so long. Watching the kids play tug of war at school field days sure gives a good visual of 'dropping the rope' and of what happens when you both keep pulling...
I have an excellent imagination which unfortunately means I can make mountains out of molehills, in both directions. Sometimes I make things look worse than they are, but I also find hope where there isn't any! Case in point? The night I went to Dan's to tell the kids we were over, he said to me, "I think about us getting back together every day". And I let that rattle around in my brain. However he has also said "But it would never work" so I need to remember that, too. My IC is good at pointing out that Dan has taken no actual steps toward reconciliation.
OK so head first into the book this morning. I don't know how to explain it John. It isn't so much that I don't think he is bad for me.
I guess it is that I keep wishing/hoping that the Dan I had so many good times with is going to reappear, and that us getting back together is ultimately giving my kids (and me) what they want most. The thought of never having 'family bed' again is hard to bear.(both kids climb in with us, Nathan gets between Dan and I and says he's the hot dog and we are the bun. Dan and I 'squirt' him with mustard, ketchup. Nate used to love that!)
Anyway, I need to stop self-sabotaging, I need to understand that keeping this hope alive is not healthy for me...I already know from experience when we tried (I tried) reconciling before, if only one person is paddling you wind up going in circles. Time to get out of this continuous loop!
Case in point? The night I went to Dan's to tell the kids we were over, he said to me, "I think about us getting back together every day". And I let that rattle around in my brain. However he has also said "But it would never work" so I need to remember that, too. My IC is good at pointing out that Dan has taken no actual steps toward reconciliation.
