No I am just at guilty as she is. The thing is she was serious and I was leading her on. I was leading her on out of fear.
This is the kind of thing I am talking about.. Drop the "just as guilty as she is" and take responsibility all on your own. "I AM GUILTY AND I AM WRONG"
I don't believe you were leading her on out of fear. Yes, I do believe you had fear. Fear of getting caught. However, I believe the lust and phone sex and having a woman that thinks you are "all that" was driving this more than you will admit. I have been around the block. I am a man. Sex is a powerful draw to a man. It is easier for you to say now that it was out of fear. Of course you were in fear. Fear of getting caught. Now you can use that to say it was fear that kept you in it... Justification.
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What do I have to gain by lying to you guys?
People lie to get others to tell them what they want to hear. It happens all the time on this site. You SHOULD be questioned. You admit you have a pattern of lying to your wife and not being honest with the OW. Why would I just up and believe you now?
I have seen it many many times that a WS justs keeps sticking to the lie. "I know you caught us in bed naked together honey, but HONESTLY, it was a coincidence. You are just being paranoid honey, we are only friends. I can't believe you don't trust me"
AND I see it over and over and over that the BS WANTS to believe the wayward. They actually argue with those of us on here trying to help them. Go read SOTR's thread and you can see exactly what I am talking about. His wife is LIVING with her ex husband and SOTR is doing everything in his power to convince himself that it is INNOCENT. All the while tellng us that he isn't rationalizing.
So, THAT is what you have to gain. If you stick to the lie and keep on sticking to it, then you WILL get others to believe you at some point. Those other people will then take your side and try to help you. I think the fact is that you wife may never believe you in the deepest recesses of her heart. I think she would always secretly wonder. That makes it difficult to trust. NOT ONLY THAT, but you did have phone sex. I don't see much difference in phone sex than in having actual physical sex. It is still unfaithful. Unfaithful is unfaithful. You seem to want to say..'Yea I did have phone sex, but at LEAST I didn't have physical sex. As if that makes it a tad more righteous. I don't think it does.
I think your best chance to get your wife to reconcile is to say to her..."Honey I was wrong and I don't blame you one bit for not believing me and I don't blame you one bit for wanting a divorce. I would feel the same way if this happened to me. I just want you to know that I am wrong and am deeply sorry for what I put you through and I WILL give you the space that you asked for."
And THEN do exactly that. And then let her slowly come to you. Keep to the story of "I was wrong and I don't blame you" Then leave it at that as you stay steady and in the background but leaving her alone as she goes through her emotions.
