whatdidido has changed to whatamigoingtodo

[saffie]

Didi,

I have been thinking about your sitch and the fact that there was never any 'spark' there. It suddenly struck me that in that way it is a bit like an arranged M.....but many of those are very successful. Why is that?

Well, mostly I think is because to begin with the two people learn mutual respect for one another, and then out of that comes love and a protective caring feeling for one another.....and eventually passion.

People that go into arranged M's often come from close knit family units....where the family unit is sacreed and comes before anything - I believe that privately a lot of affection is generally shown.

Now most 'western' M's are not like that.

Leaving the A behind, ( apart from to question if you think your H has truly been able to forgive - as it is much easier said than done, don't you think LBSs?), I think the thing that is lacking in your M is mutual respect. It also strikes me that it is hard for your H to respect another person when he seems to have little respect for himself.

He doesn't sound stupid, he must know that he is not 'quite right' in that he isn't able to spontaneously show affection - probably due to his family background. But hey, he is having therapy for this, no?

I learned in my M that it was easy when I was upset to be very negative about my H, and would talk about him that way to my friends....but that in itself breeds more negativity. At one point I made a concerted effort to stop that.....and gradually my attitude changed and I started seeing more of the good things in him.

I would say,(and I DO know you have tried doing this already), be as positive as you can about his therapy. When he will let you , explore his past family issues re upbringing and what has made him the man he is today, (FOO).

Try and look at it as an arranged M and instead of focusing on the fact that there was never a spark there, see if you can make one from bolstering your H's confidence in his abilities.

Personally, I wouldn't look at 'specifics', I think you are letting yourself get ready for being let down that way. I would look at fostering a respectful caring environment, and see what can blossom from that. Mix with other couples that are loving and caring and have strong family units,so that your H can learn what that entails: and hard though it may be, be supportive of your H, even if sometimes you think he is wrong. Let the little things go so that you can work on the big issues.

Does any of this make sense?