Thanks everyone! Right after I posted I got in the car to drive up and buy "Journey from Abandonment to Healing". As I was driving I thought to myself, "Will another book really help me move on? Even if it tells me what to do to 'heal', what if I do what it says and I am still stuck?"
Then I had an unbelievably huge epiphany. One that I know I have had before, but not this clearly. It was cathartic, really. I wound up sobbing for about two minutes in the car as I voiced my feelings out loud, honestly.
So several years ago I caught an episode of Dr. Phil. In this episode, a husband/wife talked about losing their little boy (4 or 5 yrs old) in a drowning accident. The mom said she could not ever laugh or smile or relax and enjoy herself because the moment she did, she thought to herself, "How can I be happy when my little boy is gone?" Basically, she felt like if she healed she was betraying the memory of her son...
So I thought of this because I came to the conclusion that
I don't want to heal and move on.
I asked myself, Why? And the answers came pouring out. I don't want to heal and move on because if I do...
*It means I will never get my husband back. I am the only one who has been trying to work on things, so if I quit, it's just over.
*I am giving up on the dream I have for my life, and for my kids' lives, that of raising them in a home with a mommy and daddy who love them and love each other
*It means I agree that getting divorced was the right thing to do
*I am okay with my kids having to shuffle between two different houses and have no/few memories of family experiences growing up
*I won't ever be Mrs. R again, I won't ever be able to say, "My husband..." when talking about Dan to someone.
*Then ow won. Because I didn't get my h back from her, whether she is still with him or not, she was the last one who slept with him while we were married.
*I will not get to honor the pledge I made on my wedding day, to join with him for the rest of my life...to model what a real marriage is for my children (with their dad, I am not talking about generalities or potential future mates)
*I am betraying the things I told my children, that I did not want their dad to leave, that I love their daddy and want(ed) us to always be together and to get back together one day
*I will not be able to continue imagining a future where Dan pulls his head out and has an epiphany of his own, and becomes the kind of husband and father that my kids and I deserve
I am not saying any of these things are true, valid, or reasonable. But they are the honest feelings that came to me when I realized, I have been resisting the idea of moving on/moving forward all this time. I know, it makes no sense, but it is the way my mind has apparently been working all this time.
My R with Dan has been my safety blanket, my pacifier--every time I let it go I start to feel naked and vulnerable and so I snatch it up again...and since the actual R isn't there anymore, I snatch up my visions of how it could be one day and I allow myself to read into small gestures on his part to make them larger.
Anyway, that was what I realized driving to the store tonight and I had to write it down and let it out.
