She did not allow me. The wake for a co-worker's grandmother whom W talks to about our sitch. Last thing W wants is for me to be there, will send wrong signal to co-worker.
While W was gone I called off work and decided to go through with the movie.
W returned home. W started to tell me how the wake was and how she met a few people ect... W said I had an attitude which I did not. She does that often I don't necessarily know how to respond to it.
So we were about to head and I realized I needed to mail out my car payment, usually W handles such task (finances) but she has been slipping up as of late. I said to W "I need to write out the check for car payment can you show me how to make it out for future reference?" W did not respond so I said "nevermind I just remembered that pas checks and scanned on posted on banking website I will log on there and look at a past check and use it as an example" W did not like that, she rolled her eyes and shook her head and said "I'll do it, its ok" so W did it and I thanked her, W then questioned "whats you problem?" and I said I have none, she ask that often as well.
We went to a store looked at some new bedding, we were pointing out the sets we each like after a short while W said "well it is up to you whatever you want" we ended up getting a few things for the house. I started to pay and W said she had it, I insisted but then she said "I'll pay for this you pay for the movie" and so we agreed...
we headed to the movie. IT was good, we had some laughs ad exchanged words during the movie, overall pretty good time. Movie ended we exited the theater, it was pouring rain so I told W to wait inside adn I will get the car. W waited inside I went and got car. We then headed home and had a couple convos on the way.
A lot of bitterness and her assuming something is wrong with me....
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
She's playing games with you. Don't fall for them. She knows how to push your buttons and she's doing it now because the OM isn't around as a distraction any more. You've become the bad guy again.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yesterday W agreed to go with me to a ball game today. When W returned home from work today she was her typical WAS self. She had not mentioned anything about the game but I assumed our plans were still on.
Time to head to the game W was sleeping I asked her if she was still going with and she said NO, she wanted to just sleep. This just blew my mind.
I admit I let it get to me more than it should but I was caught off guard. I then asked w a question I guess she had said yes I did not hear her so I asked "was that a yes or no" she got loud and said "I said yes, god" and I saod "god what?" She replies "you and your attitude" then she mocked me..I then said "I have no attitude I was npt able to hear you" W just remained silent and I said I was leaving and left
Yes, I may have had a little frustration In my tone but I lost focus and did not have my blinders up. finding her terrible attitude hard to deal with. Not to mention she was on a WAS high when she got home listening to music about leaving,and moving on during her drive home from work
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
It seems to me, that there's a whole swath of middle, grey ground, between the the "black" of these types of passive-aggressive exchanges, and the "white" of completely kissing this woman's ass.
I'd suggest you learn the grey. That's where you'll get your best results.
OIN, how are you going to handle children or teenagers?
I know your wife is different and they just have a way of bringing out the fury in their mates, but this is something you need to work on... you SHOULD be able to listen to her crap and not bat an eye... You need to get to a place in yourself where you can do that.. it's essential in your personal development to cultivate that talent...
Take a yoga course Learn some eastern medication Count to 10
Get some sort of habit put together that you turn to when this stuff comes up...
I know your wife is a different case, but when a spouse is wayward they will act like a child and YOU need to find a way to NOT get sucked into that and REACT like a child yourself... When your spouse goes wayward YOU need to be the ADULT... And adults have control of their emotions ...they don't simply react to what's thrown at them on instinct...Adultschoose their actions... They don't just let them happen.
Keep your chin up and your temper in check man... you're doin well...
My big concern is not filling the void and allowing her to become attached to an OM and more detach to our M.
Grey is being upbeat, but not placating her.
Grey is being confident, but not pursuing.
Grey is calling her on her rude behavior, but not being an ass about it, and saying something like "Look, you don't have to be a jerk about it. If you don't want to go, just say so -- I'm not a mind-reader. I'm gonna go; let me know if you change your mind."
It's taking a strong, leading position, respecting yourself to not put up with her crap behavior, but staying upbeat about it all.
I go back to what I first posted to you, and that is BOTH of you seem to feel like it's okay for her to treat you like crap NOW, because you used to treat HER like crap BEFORE.
It ain't healthy, she's pushing your buttons over and over because she knows you're riddled with guilt and are going to let her do it, and the dysfunction merely continues.
I know your wife is different and they just have a way of bringing out the fury in their mates, but this is something you need to work on... you SHOULD be able to listen to her crap and not bat an eye... You need to get to a place in yourself where you can do that.. it's essential in your personal development to cultivate that talent...
Since when it is a "talent" to be cultivated, to allow others to treat you like crap?
I DISAGREE. OIN needs to learn the art of CALLING PEOPLE on their crap behavior, and doing it in a strong, detached, loving way.
Button-pushing is one thing. A pattern of repeated rude, boorish and disrespectful behavior is quite another. The ONLY thing different in this situation is that OIN used to treat his wife poorly in the past; so why should that change our advice to the two of them NOW? They BOTH need to learn to demand courteous, respectful treatment from each other, and to be able to call "b.s." on each other when that line is crossed, and do it in a way that doesn't harm their relationship. Heck, if done correctly, it can STRENGTHEN their relationship.
I think we are talking about the same thing here Pup.
I agree he should say something when his wife is bitter, I just don't think being bitter back is constructive.
I do think it takes time to cultivate a talent to control oneself or as you would put it "detach" and respond constructively...
I am all for speaking up and saying something, but before you can do that you need to get control of your instinctive responses... those are killers...
Once you can control your instincts you can choose to say something constructive that yes will strengthen the relationship...
We are both talking about the same thing pup, just different parts, my focus is on controling instincts, yours is on speaking up constructively
You need to be able to do both to pull off the mature adult thing... you can't do one without the other...
yes, controlling onself and NOt saying anything isn't helpful either, but I don't think one can speak up until they have their instincts in check... or they will just do damage and get sucked in...
