I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[cat04]

Shel,

Detatchment, becomes easier, when we identify our buttons and begin to learn how to keep them from being pushed.

Yes, at first, it is an avoidance tactic. One that allows us to TRY to get our own shiat together. Necessary for all involved because it stops the fighting and drama. We may not always be the cause of it, but we do have to own our roles in continuing it.

Over time, it takes on a life of its own. You realize you are better without the drama. Then you start to realize that some of the things that were buttons, aren’t so bad anymore. Your reactions become different. That is because you are healing. It is sort of one of those things that sneaks up on you to a degree.

Your H, has pushed you largest button. The kids. It is the biggest button for most of us. And the hardest one to learn how to navigate. And it is the button that will make you fall more times than you can count.

You can make this about all of the things that he does or does not do with the kids. But the truth is, your H, is not being the kind of father you thought he would be to your children. That is the bottom line. He is making choices regarding them, that are not the choices that you would make or are making.

That is something that you are going to have to get used to. Deal with. Because it isn’t going to change. For a long time.

Your kids don’t need you focusing on what your H is or is not doing, they need you focusing on what you are doing with and for them. To help them through all of this.

Shel, they are forming their personalities right now. Their opinions and thoughts and core beliefs are being created as we speak. They don’t have time for you to feel sorry for yourself or them right now. They need you to be their rock, their example, their beacon of the type of human being they want to be come.

So, anger needs to be dealt with and thrown away, and clearer heads really need to prevail in this particular situation. Your H, whether you like it or not, is their father. It is not up to you what type of father he is. But you MUST not let the type of father he is being right now, affect the type of mother you are.

Ok off to work, sorry to be so blunt but it is all I have time for.

[beingreal]

Oh, I don't think your being blunt. Blunt works, though if that is what I need.

I'm not angry anymore with H, it's more of a just sit there and shake your head kind of thing. The man who used to be such a good father can't be bothered to spend time with them. It hurts my heart, but lately they don't seem to be noticing that they aren't seeing him as much.

They are playing together much nicer these past few weeks.

My comment about not fixing his R with the boys if he screws it up comes from my realizing that my needing to *smooth things over* and make everything alright was just another way of my controlling things. He is a big boy now, if he doesn't nurture his R with his kids, then that is his problem and he will have to deal with it.

In the meantime, I'm working on being a good mom & making sure that we get to have fun here just as much as they do with H. I'm working on me and working on letting go. I don't want to see him because I don't want to get sucked back into it.

You are so right, this is an avoidance issue right now. His last tirade showed me just how hurtful it was. I could see just how abusive our R had become, and me not fighting back and getting lost in the anger in return gave me the chance to really feel how awful we'd become.

I don't want to go back to that. I can't. None of us deserve it.

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to figure out that I love him, but I don't want to do this anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm standing. But Grit said something on another thread that has really stuck with me...that we stand & give the MLCer the opportunity to become the people we want to have back.

I'm standing and working on me, and I have this feeling that H might never do the work & want to come back. I know I'll be okay if that happens, but right now it just hurts to know that we'll never be as important to him as he is to us.

I can't make that go away.

I just have to work through that...all of the pain and tears and anger.


Thanks for taking the time to keep up on my sitch.

It's been an interesting week.

[Truegritter]

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to figure out that I love him, BUT I don't want to do this anymore.

There is a BUT in there girl.

And it means...

Your focused on the outcome?

If you weren't standing do you think you would be here?

Do you think you would have time to work on yourself?

Would you feel the need?

Would you desire to be this person you are becoming?

GO back and look at your thread at the beginning shellybelly

I didn't think you would stay.

You are here my dear and THAT

Is all that matters...

[cat04]

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to figure out that I love him, BUT I don't want to do this anymore.

There is a BUT in there girl.

And it means...

Your focused on the outcome?

Grit,

I have to argue this point.

Shel is afraid of what everyone who chooses to stand is afraid of. She is afraid that she is going to detatch and let go, and that will mean that she is done.

She is not focusing on the outcome, she is just finding a different outcome to fear right now.

At first, it was fear of losing the M, which is where all of her anger was coming from.

Fear of losing control of a situation, fear of not getting what she wanted. Which was/is her M back.

Shel is finding her strength and acknowledging her fears. Not simply the fear that the M won’t last, but the fear that maybe it won’t last because SHE will make that choice.

Shel, I am proud of you. This is a very hard thing to face and part of standing, is accepting that down the road, that is just as real a possibility as your H not coming home.

Keep moving in the direction you are going. Keep venting and feeling and healing.

If you do that, none of the possible outcomes will be very scary at all.


For the record, I knew you would stick around. You fought back at us way to hard to let the anger you had get the best of you.

[beingreal]

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to figure out that I love him, BUT I don't want to do this anymore.

There is a BUT in there girl.

And it means...

Your focused on the outcome?

I don't think so--I'm trying to focus on my reaction to any possible development.

If you weren't standing do you think you would be here?

I think I'd be in the middle of Chaosland. I was thinking of that earlier, had I not found this place & these books (but mainly the people here), I can't imagine the mess I'd be right now. You have no idea how many times your words resonate in my mind throughout the day.

Do you think you would have time to work on yourself?

If I weren't here, I think I'd be so caught up in the drama that I wouldn't even notice that I needed some work.

Would you feel the need?

Probably not. Who needs to change when they are absolutely not to blame for anything?? (a little humor--pre MLC board mentality, I mean)

Would you desire to be this person you are becoming?

No, I can assure you I wouldn't. I wouldn't even have known this was possible.

GO back and look at your thread at the beginning shellybelly

I didn't think you would stay.

You are here my dear and THAT

Is all that matters...

Hey man, I almost didn't stay. I considered for just a moment taking my toys & going home--bunch of bullies. lol you know what made me stay? Jack (or OP? I'm not going back to look--it's too depressing) made a statement about if something stings, then it's probably true. I thought, "Oh, bite me. Does not.......Hmm.....well....crap."

It's so hard to fly the "self righteous indignation" flag when you're, you know, wrong and stuff. lol

It was that little voice in my head that said that Mach had a point...that trying to convince people I wasn't controlling I was actually...controlling.

I love some good irony, don't you?



Listen, my friends who can see right through me, but need to know this is the truth...

I'm not focusing on the outcome, even though it seems like it. I really feel that I'm just facing the fact that this may not end the way I want it to (I'm not even sure what that way might be right now). I'm getting rid of those residual bits of expectation and fantasy that are just going to get in the way.

I'm picking it up, this dream of mine, I'm looking at it, holding it up to the light and finding that I can finally start to see the other side.

I'm thinking about this, asking myself, "What happens if H comes home? What happens if he doesn't come home? What happens if he never, ever takes a good hard look at himself and stays in this tunnel until it is far too late for either of us to save this M?"

I don't want the answer to be a surprise. Maybe it's the way I look at the world. b As a writer I have to hold up every option and look at it from every possible angle, to play out every scenario and think about the *what ifs*. In this case the *what ifs* aren't keeping me from looking at myself and finding the truth in my sitch.

It's just my way of trying to keep it real. How I feel about any given circumstance here will help me determine how I'm dealing & healing. It's helping me focus on the parts I still need to work on.

It's my way of working through it.


(((thanks grit)))

[beingreal]

Shel is finding her strength and acknowledging her fears. Not simply the fear that the M won’t last, but the fear that maybe it won’t last because SHE will make that choice.

Awww...cat. I haven't cried in days, now look at me. lol

This is exactly what I'm feeling. You just managed to say it in a lot less verbage than I did.


Thank you cat...I mean it. Thank you.

[Truegritter]

I know where you are because I have been there.

When you start this you stand because you want your M back.

You have crossed over...

It is about YOU.

This is another step.

If H came home right now would you want him?

Is it time?

Is your journey over?

Cat brought up the point I was getting at with my question

Are you focused on the outcome?

Or YOU and your journey?

As we take these steps there is FEAR and PAIN that is when we know we have to grow.

Your answers and your posts tell me shellybelly is steppin

STEPPIN forward.

[fisherman]

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to figure out that I love him, BUT I don't want to do this anymore.

There is a BUT in there girl.

And it means...

Your focused on the outcome?

I don't think so--I'm trying to focus on my reaction to any possible development.

Is this another way of saying that you're "what if-ing" the sh!t out of things?

(Yes I'm giving you a hard time.) Just be careful with all the what if's and assumptions we tend to make when it comes to them. It can and will affect your interactions with him.

There will come a time when it will all be automatic. You'll just know you, without any questions or doubts.

Be patient and keep your focus on you.

A few posts back you mentioned getting worked up when the thought of dealing with him comes to mind. Something about your hands shaking.

Tackle this. Work on relaxing and taking the pressure off of yourself. What are you so afraid of if anything? What is it that you dread so much? Why all of the pressure? I think you'll find that much of what you fear has already happened.

I Think you're doing a great job and you're moving along well. Continue to make this about you.

Take care.

[beingreal]

If H came home right now would you want him?

Is it time?

No. And no.


That last *fight* last week at my MILs was really the eye opener for me.

I got to look at it through fresh eyes, I got to see what everyone else would have seen, see it how our kids have been looking at it for the past few years.

It was ugly. It was abusive. And two months ago I would have been right there with him, fighting, name calling, swearing, playing dirty. I was just as bad (if not worse) than he was right that moment. Except I got to take a step back and see it with new eyes.

That is not who either of us was, but that's what we had become together.

And I did that. Not all of it, I know that. You can't make someone act like an a$$hat, you can't *make* anyone do anything. But I did enough to make him feel that this is the only way to be heard, and I engaged enough that this is what became our normal.

I want to stand, I want to wait it out while working on me.

But I realized something just today...yes, that's a real but from a real butt.

I've been prolonging this pain, his and mine, for years now. I wanted my M to work, and by God, I was going to hang in there until it did. By wanting so badly to make it work, I made it almost impossible for him to grow. I wouldn't let him become who he needed to be because that might have meant he was going to do it without me. I never saw it like that before, I had always thought it was the right thing to do--fight for someone you love.

"The end of wanting means the end of suffering"

I wanted our M to work, and we were going to suffer until it did.

I tried to take it and fit it into this premade mold and make it something it wasn't. I did it with the best of intentions, but I did it.


I've just now figured out what it means to let go. To let him go because I love him, because I want him to be happy. To let him become who he wants to become, even if that person is my ex-husband.

I've spent more than two years trying to make this choice for him because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it was something we both wanted. I don't think that anymore.

The only thing I do want is for him to be happy. The only way he is going to do that is to let him go. Really, truly and completely let him go.

I think to continue to *stand*--or at least my version of it up until now, is still trying to control this.

Continuing to wait for him is still refusing to acknowledge that this might be over. Might be...listen to me. Is over. Like eric says...this M is dead. I have no idea if there is another one for us in the future. I really don't know. I'm not going to keep saying I *want* there to be hope, because I'm still wanting, and still trying to control everything.

I finally get that you can leave the door open for reconciliation without hoping for one. It's open because I can't close it. That's a far cry from keeping the door open, the light on & a big, flashing neon sign that reads, "OPEN".

There is still a bridge because you haven't burned it. That doesn't mean that anyone is actually going to cross it.

I'm not going to keep looking over my shoulder to see if he is coming across the bridge. I'm looking forward, to my life, to my future, to the person I'm becoming.

I'm letting go.

[Truegritter]

By wanting so badly to make it work, I made it almost impossible for him to grow. I wouldn't let him become who he needed to be because that might have meant he was going to do it without me. I never saw it like that before, I had always thought it was the right thing to do--fight for someone you love.

What a wonderful thing to understand huh? This is a HUGE step shelbel. HUGE.

I had the same hurdle. Good for you!

I finally get that you can leave the door open for reconciliation without hoping for one. It's open because I can't close it.

You CAN close it.

It is YOUR choice.

There is still a bridge because you haven't burned it. That doesn't mean that anyone is actually going to cross it.

I'm not going to keep looking over my shoulder to see if he is coming across the bridge. I'm looking forward, to my life, to my future, to the person I'm becoming.

I'm letting go.

I have to tell you shel. I got chicken skin when I read this.

YOU got it! Perfectly expressed.

Things will be a whole lot different from this day forward...

You're in a good place.