I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to figure out that I love him, BUT I don't want to do this anymore.

There is a BUT in there girl.

And it means...

Your focused on the outcome?

I don't think so--I'm trying to focus on my reaction to any possible development.

If you weren't standing do you think you would be here?

I think I'd be in the middle of Chaosland. I was thinking of that earlier, had I not found this place & these books (but mainly the people here), I can't imagine the mess I'd be right now. You have no idea how many times your words resonate in my mind throughout the day.

Do you think you would have time to work on yourself?

If I weren't here, I think I'd be so caught up in the drama that I wouldn't even notice that I needed some work.

Would you feel the need?

Probably not. Who needs to change when they are absolutely not to blame for anything?? (a little humor--pre MLC board mentality, I mean)

Would you desire to be this person you are becoming?

No, I can assure you I wouldn't. I wouldn't even have known this was possible.

GO back and look at your thread at the beginning shellybelly

I didn't think you would stay.

You are here my dear and THAT

Is all that matters...

Hey man, I almost didn't stay. I considered for just a moment taking my toys & going home--bunch of bullies. lol you know what made me stay? Jack (or OP? I'm not going back to look--it's too depressing) made a statement about if something stings, then it's probably true. I thought, "Oh, bite me. Does not.......Hmm.....well....crap."

It's so hard to fly the "self righteous indignation" flag when you're, you know, wrong and stuff. lol

It was that little voice in my head that said that Mach had a point...that trying to convince people I wasn't controlling I was actually...controlling.

I love some good irony, don't you?



Listen, my friends who can see right through me, but need to know this is the truth...

I'm not focusing on the outcome, even though it seems like it. I really feel that I'm just facing the fact that this may not end the way I want it to (I'm not even sure what that way might be right now). I'm getting rid of those residual bits of expectation and fantasy that are just going to get in the way.

I'm picking it up, this dream of mine, I'm looking at it, holding it up to the light and finding that I can finally start to see the other side.

I'm thinking about this, asking myself, "What happens if H comes home? What happens if he doesn't come home? What happens if he never, ever takes a good hard look at himself and stays in this tunnel until it is far too late for either of us to save this M?"

I don't want the answer to be a surprise. Maybe it's the way I look at the world. b As a writer I have to hold up every option and look at it from every possible angle, to play out every scenario and think about the *what ifs*. In this case the *what ifs* aren't keeping me from looking at myself and finding the truth in my sitch.

It's just my way of trying to keep it real. How I feel about any given circumstance here will help me determine how I'm dealing & healing. It's helping me focus on the parts I still need to work on.

It's my way of working through it.


(((thanks grit)))