still separated, headed for D?

[newmama]

misunderstanding what detaching is about. It's not about breaking off contact; it's not about not giving a damn about what your spouse is doing. It's about not letting their actions dictate your feelings and -- more importantly -- your responses.
Detaching means stopping doing all of the things that have been driving you crazy for months. Detaching means not snooping in his email, or driving past his house to see if he is there. Detaching means not analyzing every little thing he says or does as to what his intentions are. Detaching means not trying to figure out what you can say or do to manipulate him or control his behavior.

wow I have SO NOT detached! but I knew that.

[newmama]

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200810/the-art-now-six-steps-living-in-the-moment

Thank you, Gatsby, for posting this link to the article about living in the present! I really could have used this method this morning, lol!

To avoid worrying about the future, focus on the present (savoring).

Often, we're so trapped in thoughts of the future or the past that we forget to experience, let alone enjoy, what's happening right now. We sip coffee and think, "This is not as good as what I had last week." We eat a cookie and think, "I hope I don't run out of cookies."

Instead, relish or luxuriate in whatever you're doing at the present moment—what psychologists call savoring. "This could be while you're eating a pastry, taking a shower, or basking in the sun. You could be savoring a success or savoring music," explains Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist at the University of California at Riverside and author of The How of Happiness. "Usually it involves your senses."

When subjects in a study took a few minutes each day to actively savor something they usually hurried through—eating a meal, drinking a cup of tea, walking to the bus—they began experiencing more joy, happiness, and other positive emotions, and fewer depressive symptoms, Schueller found.

Why does living in the moment make people happier—not just at the moment they're tasting molten chocolate pooling on their tongue, but lastingly? Because most negative thoughts concern the past or the future. As Mark Twain said, "I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened." The hallmark of depression and anxiety is catastrophizing—worrying about something that hasn't happened yet and might not happen at all. Worry, by its very nature, means thinking about the future—and if you hoist yourself into awareness of the present moment, worrying melts away.

The flip side of worrying is ruminating, thinking bleakly about events in the past. And again, if you press your focus into the now, rumination ceases. Savoring forces you into the present, so you can't worry about things that aren't there.

[Seeing Red]

Oh, yeah 50/50. My friend's dad just totally LEFT. Missed birthdays, said he would come to stuff and didn't, just an all-around a**hole. Which is much worse than two committed parents in 50/50!

Gatsby - this is so common it's sickening!

I have yet to meet a divorced father who left because of an affair be man enough to do the 50/50 thing. Almost all of them dump the kids on the ex-wife, go off and have their fun, then get upset that their kids want nothing to do with them when they finally decide to reappear and play dad.

You'd think at least one of them would stop to think of their kids FIRST. I think this is why men aren't allowed to give birth...

[PEI]

PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND????? YOU LUCKY WOMAN!!! Is it as gorgeous as it looks in the movies????

Yep! And it sure is ... if you can ever find a way to visit you must ... I wouldn't live anywhere else, especially raising kids! PEI images

PEI Mom, there is nothing to read to get caught up- this thread is my daily group therapy session with amazing support and comfort from my fellow DBers. My signature line explains it except it doesn't say that WH is living with OW. (well he hasn't officially changed his address but shacking up with her for sure!) We were together for almost 5 years when he left me pregnant. Still hasn't proceeded with "the paperwork."

Well, from what I've seen on here, you are doing great and are an amazing person!

Peace
PEI

[newmama]

I had a dream last night...very weird...that I was dating a man who looked like WH. We were cuddling and kissing and talking about stuff. He asked me "did you watch that show with your husband?" and "you say you love me but do you still love your husband too?" and "When are you going to leave him?" and I just would say "Don't worry! I love YOU and I will!" then changed the subject! ????

I got the feeling that I was dating this man during my separation with WH...and although it wasn't really an affair, the man knew I hadn't divorced WH yet and he didn't understand why!

Very weird- on the one hand I think it had something to do with the fact that I said to someone yesterday that I can't make my brain let me see the situation through WH's eyes--I can't step in his shoes!

On the other hand, it also kind of showed me the dangers of dating while I am not divorced and while I still have hope for my marriage! But I figured that out over the last month or so-that I don't want to date.

[BobbiJo]

After actually going on a couple dates and having another one planned, I too realized I don't want to date. At least, not yet. Some of my friends/family think I should be ready to 'move on', but we all have to go at our own pace!

I have had dreams about xH and his former OW this week. Sometimes he and I are back together, sometimes I am trying to 'beat her' at getting H, all very surreal...

[newmama]

BobbiJo--yeah, I remember how WH and I tried to encourage our SIL to start dating 6 months after her H left! I am sooo mortified now that I thought that would help her. I had no clue.

Our friends and family mean well but they seem to think that dating is the answer for us to be happy again! My aunt waited 10 years but then found a great man she has been seeing for the last 5 years!

OK found this on another forum but don't know if it applies to affairs:

One of the ways in which you express love to a spouse who has walked out on you is by being patient.

The scriptures say, "love is patient". Your marriage did not fall apart overnight and it will not be rebuilt today. Don't set time limits for yourself or your spouse. Be patient with your spouse's ambivalence.

During separation people are often pulled in two directions: On the one hand is the desire for reconciliation, on the other, there is the pain and hurt that says, 'give up'.

Patience is the first step toward love.


thanks to mort fertel.

[Babydoll]

NM, missed reading your posts... sorry I havent been here for you.

Take your time with dating... maybe you just need to date you! and dress for you! and enjoy you! When the time is right you will know. You are not the only one who is not really "detaching", i read the post above and realized, i say i am, and do it for a day or so but deep inside i am not.

But I am still trying... I would imagine it takes time and detaching is a practice.

[gatsby11]

Hey, love the positivity in your posts. (The patience post above.) It's hitting me at a good time, I suppose.

Your posts can balance me out sometimes because I tend to slide the other direction on my own. . .

[Piano]

yeah, i second G. Loved the patience post.