I think this is my home for the next 6 months...

[beingreal]

Oh, I don't think your being blunt. Blunt works, though if that is what I need.

I'm not angry anymore with H, it's more of a just sit there and shake your head kind of thing. The man who used to be such a good father can't be bothered to spend time with them. It hurts my heart, but lately they don't seem to be noticing that they aren't seeing him as much.

They are playing together much nicer these past few weeks.

My comment about not fixing his R with the boys if he screws it up comes from my realizing that my needing to *smooth things over* and make everything alright was just another way of my controlling things. He is a big boy now, if he doesn't nurture his R with his kids, then that is his problem and he will have to deal with it.

In the meantime, I'm working on being a good mom & making sure that we get to have fun here just as much as they do with H. I'm working on me and working on letting go. I don't want to see him because I don't want to get sucked back into it.

You are so right, this is an avoidance issue right now. His last tirade showed me just how hurtful it was. I could see just how abusive our R had become, and me not fighting back and getting lost in the anger in return gave me the chance to really feel how awful we'd become.

I don't want to go back to that. I can't. None of us deserve it.

My biggest fear right now is that I'm going to figure out that I love him, but I don't want to do this anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm standing. But Grit said something on another thread that has really stuck with me...that we stand & give the MLCer the opportunity to become the people we want to have back.

I'm standing and working on me, and I have this feeling that H might never do the work & want to come back. I know I'll be okay if that happens, but right now it just hurts to know that we'll never be as important to him as he is to us.

I can't make that go away.

I just have to work through that...all of the pain and tears and anger.


Thanks for taking the time to keep up on my sitch.

It's been an interesting week.